To Have Loved and Lost

I wanna hold your hand

Image by Josep Ma. Rosell via Flickr

Is There Any Question?

 
YES, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I remember asking my mother the same type of question when I was a teenager as we were walking from the hot, steamy parking lot to the beach’s entrance. I was 14 and I will never forget her answer. I asked “but what if something bad happens to the person you love?” She replied calmly: “You can’t be scared of everything. Some bad things will happen, but you have to take the chance. You don’t want to be alone forever.” She was right. Years later I went on to date my then boyfriend, now husband of 22 years. We have many wonderful memories together, we have two teenage children that we adore. I live in fear that something will happen to him or the children, the same fear that I feel for all the people I love. I worry, too, about my darling 8 and a half-year old dog.

There will be pain in our lives, devastation, loss. It comes with the territory. My father died almost 9 years ago. Do I miss him? Yes. Have I forgotten him? No. Is it still painful? Definitely. What I try to do now is focus on the good times we shared and the amazing love we had for each other. It takes time for pain to dissipate and really, it never goes away completely. As we all know, life is not safe. We all need to be grateful and appreciate what we have, every day, every moment if possible. Health is the most important thing we have, not money or fame or status. Love. True, unconditional love. It can be scary, it does mean you are taking a chance, it also means you need to trust. Sometimes, you just have to shut your eyes tight, take a chance, hold on tight to your loved one’s hands and jump.

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The One Who Got Away

Scared

When I read “the one who got away” I automatically thought of a person, but there was no person that got away from me, except for me. What got away from me for many, many years were chances left untouched because of my inner fear and insecurity. There was a job in Production that I thought I coudn’t handle, the Psy.d in Psychology I was too lazy for; fear stopped me from doing all sorts of things over the years; for that I have no one to blame except myself. Adventure, Risks, Chances did not wait for me to grow up and decide. In the blink of an eye they left, fleeing because I was a loser and they left quickly in disgust. Now, many years later I can separate the fear from function and sometimes talk myself into overcoming the fear. Too late, however and way too little.

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