Food, Baby, Food

English: Veggie burger eating competition, Slo...

English: Veggie burger eating competition, Slovakia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

July 2, 2012

Sometimes You Just Have To Eat

Today, I felt hot and sticky because of the high temperature and humidity and all I wanted to eat were lush strawberries and sweet, orange cantaloupe. When I opted for a veggie burger for dinner I felt absolutely virtuous. Later on, at night, when it was cooler I was so hungry that my hands were trembling just looking at the assortment of items I had assembled to have on it: half of an avocado, two thinly sliced tomatoes, Swiss cheese on the *multi-grain soft, thin bread.

I didn’t plan for was the freshly grilled smell of my husband and son’s barbecued cheeseburgers sitting inches away from my veggie burger. I’m not a vegetarian but I don’t eat red meat that often…but I did then. I had a third of my husband’s burger, I admit it was heavenly.

I ate a healthy piece of dark chocolate. I didn’t stop there. I went straight to snack mode which is always cereal: shredded wheat and brain mixed with “Honey Smacks” as they are now called. I did add fresh raspberries which was a delightful mixture of taste sensations, the red, juicy, tart raspberry along with the sweet “Honey Smacks” and milk. Yum.

After that, pretzels adorned with cream cheese.  Mea Culpa. Was I done? Not by a long shot. I wasn’t feeling guilty though, hungry. I KNEW what I was doing and I was choosing to do it. No regrets.

I gleefully opened the freezer door to find some much-needed  ice cream (and not frozen yogurt.)   I ate a small bowl of cookie dough ice cream with whipped cream. I enjoyed every bite.

I kept going.  It’s was so nice and quiet in the house at midnight, my husband, daughter and dog sleeping, my son out with his friends. It had been such a long time since I had a little time all to myself and I desperately needed that. I just didn’t need the refrigerator to be attached to the event….but it was.

After eating the ice cream in my bedroom, I went downstairs to the kitchen to be orderly and place my ice cream dish in the sink and I was assaulted by four chocolate hazelnut cookies, (this is a big fat lie, it was just an excuse to go to the kitchen again)and eat a piece of milk chocolate, and two marshmallow cookies with a thin layer of raspberry jam. Once upstairs I noticed chocolate hazelnut cream on my breast. How did THAT happen?

I KNOW I didn’t have enough to eat during the day and I was paying for it now. But, you know what? I didn’t care. I was happy to indulge for once. I knew that I would NOT do this again and I would watch very CAREFULLY what I ate the next day and I did.

The point is that I didn’t beat myself up about my binge. I enjoyed it. Every once in a while it’s good to let go for a few hours if you are not going to feel guilty and ashamed. I should have eaten more that day even though it was so hot. Did I have great remorse? No. Did I go back to healthful eating the next day? Yes. If YOU CAN stop and know you can, it’s fine to go off your “healthy living diet” every now and then. Enjoy.
*Arnold Multi-Grain Sandwich Thins ( I love them!)

Emotional Eating With Ben and Jerry

eat it!

Image by Darwin Bell via Flickr

After a very small dinner tonight I ate Ben and Jerry’s half-baked ice cream, with whipped cream. After that I had one purple bunny peep, cheddar Sun chips, a piece of raisin bread and I’m still on the hunt. If  the stores would be open now I would grab my license and run out the door to search for the new M & M’s with coconut that I saw in the stores a week and a half ago. That was my mistake. I should have bought them then, eaten them and have gotten them out of my system. Instead, during a time of stress and emotional eating, I’m raiding the fridge and searching in the cupboards.

When it’s this kind of emotional hunger, I don’t get full. I eat and eat and look for comfort and in the act of eating mindlessly, I, for a few moments push my stress and anxiety and worries away. But, it doesn’t last. I’m full but I’m not; I’m sure there is another victim out there that I can kidnap. If I had jelly belliesI would be happy. That is what I want to eat now, one after the other, slowly, not biting them completely because I do not want to disturb my TMJ, that nasty, sharp-pained nuisance. I’m not supposed to eat the Jelly Bellies but I truly don’t care, I want them anyway preferably now.

I’m not hungry, I tell myself, and physically that’s perfectly true. I am hungry emotionally having had  two days of pure, unadulterated anxiety and sadness and heartbreak and stress, illness and loved ones and more stress.  I hold my hand over my bulging stomach and know I shouldn’t eat more and know that I will. The only decision is what to eat and when to stop.

After searching my son’s room, with his help, he only had empty Starbursts wrappers. No good. His girlfriend offered to do a “jelly belly run” for me which further endeared her to my heart. After tearing the kitchen apart I found a great substitute, cut up pineapple chunks: fruity, juicy, chewy, not jelly beans but the same idea. I ate those thinking I was in the clear. Until I found the Yodels……

I’m not ashamed to write this, this is no hidden blog post, this is for people like me, that once in a while binge eat, grin, and regret it the next day. No matter what a Psychologist would say, I think it’s okay as long as I go back to eating healthfully tomorrow. So there. Yes gain, no shame.

Eat that Weight Watchers.