Sleeping Backwards And Other Oddities

Last night, April 7th 2010 I started the season (early, I might add) by sleeping backwards. I have been doing this since I was a child. When the weather gets warmer I turn around on my stomach and lie where my feet should be. I don’t know why or how this started, I believe it was an effort to be cooler, but since then I have done it every year of my life. I don’t see it stopping anytime soon either.

April is really early for sleeping backwards I have to admit. Usually the season starts in May or June but yesterday’s weather in the upper 80′s made it impossible for me to sleep the “normal” way. I always know when to sleep backwards, it’s just a feeling, an intuition.  Arms are flung off the bed, legs in a spider position, hair, off my face in a high pony-tail and definitely sleeping on your stomach. There is no sleeping backwards on your back, it does not exist, at least for me. There is, of course, “sleeping backwards etiquette.” Lying on your back, sleeping backwards is totally unacceptable.

My husband is not a big fan of my sleeping backwards. He has a pillow/feet issue. Not that my feet are touching his pillow but they are definitely too close for his comfort level. He has a thing about sheets (don’t scratch them, he hates the noise) don’t lie on them (with clothes or freshly showered), and don’t, EVER put your feet anywhere near his pillow. When the children were much younger they used to take their freshly bathed toes and touch his pillow anyway. (okay, sometimes they still do it) We all have our own idiosyncracies and we’re better off if we accept them,(even though we may think they are the stupidest thing we have ever heard of.) Accepting them keeps marriages together, believe me. Loading the dishwasher is another marital deal-breaker; he has a pattern, I don’t. Once I put dishes in the dishwasher he changes them ergo I have stopped putting dishes in the dishwasher and now put them in a sink. Harmony restored.

Just as I thought I was the only one to turn a pillow over so you don’t get the warm spot, who knows, other people might do this too. If so, I could probably form a “Sleeping Backwards” Facebook group. I would be the President and CEO. It’s amazing the little habits we all have that we think are ours alone. Sleep backwards if that suits your fancy, turn your pillow around to find the cool spot, arrange and rearrange the covers so that they are perfect (hint: Danny). Enjoy life, if these things make you happy, just do it, but just remember your spouse or companion will definitely have their little odd ways too. Try to accept them.

***** Join my Facebook Group: Sleeping Backwards

Pop Cop: Tiger Woods, Rehab. Really ?

I thought I could do it; I thought I could ignore the whole Tiger Woods story and not blog about it. I didn’t want to add to all the misguided attention this jerk was getting, but I just couldn’t do it.  I didn’t write until now but the blog welled up inside me, finally exploded and practically wrote itself. You would think I’d be a better person than this and could let things slide, turn the other cheek, forgive and forget, but obviously I can’t and I deeply apologize for that.

Oh, Tiger, WE THOUGHT WE KNEW YE. We knew bupkes, nothing, nada. We heard, and I swear I am NOT using the word allegedly this time, that you (hmm, time to think about nicer words to use than what I am thinking) umm, copulated your way through the United States and all International time zones constantly and for many years.  People marveled at your golfing skills and I am not here to criticize your fabulous putts, shots and driving ranges. But, when you are putting and driving your shots into ranges other than your wife’s?  I have something to say.

I think I could forgive an affair, people make mistakes;  even a one night stand  (I am TRYING to be open-minded) but what you did was purely and utterly disgusting, truly you are an old fashioned pig.  Fame. Using your money, power and status for your own selfish greed, hurting loved ones.   I don’t see the beautiful Oprah doing that or Ellen Degeneres (my new heroine).  Apparently, when celebrities abuse substances, spouses and sex,  they have an addiction problem.   Excuse my language but “addiction, my ass.” Does anyone remember the word, Cheater? Philanderer? Scumbag?  It is not a new concept but apparently it is only used for “regular” people and not “so-called-stars.”Big money and cocky star status will buy you that excuse called “addiction.”   You think you are entitled because of your celebrity status, but really,  you are not.  The women you “played with” were in it willingly, I know. But, just like there are rules in a golf game, there are rules in marriage. You fail.

I love sweet things, soft sugar cookies with green sprinkles on top, a glazed raspberry jelly doughnut, rich milk chocolate, honey-laden baklava,  maple creme cookies…  This does not, however, give me the excuse to rob various bakeries and when caught, say via a PR person “I  have a sugar addiction.” Actually, I really have to try to NOT be a sugar addict or a food addict, it isn’t easy, believe me. If  I eat one jelly doughnut one night, I give it UP the next night and I try as hard as I can. Tiger Woods didn’t try, he got caught, he had celebrity status and big money; he morphed into a sex addict.  How convenient!

You made mistakes; a boat load,  a cruise ship line full of mistakes.  You still want your stardom, celebrity status, forgiveness  and your wife and children too. So far Elin Wood has been the first woman, and I thank her deeply, not to stand by her man, at least not in the beginning. She made a statement and I applaud her.  If she forgives you and you promise to be a good boy, if I were her I would still require you to have a chip implanted in your “VEPEEPEE” to keep track of you. Seriously.

Children are important!  Kids need a family and I, for one, am all for protecting the children and the family.  Work it out if you can. But don’t ever think that people will think of you the same way, they won’t. Maybe you will be a star again, a golf star,  people can be very forgiving. This time, however, another mistake will not get you the recovering sex addict get- out- of- jail- card.  Redeem yourself if you can and to put it in easily understandable albeit crude terms:  keep it zipped, no matter what.