My husband was “officially” laid off today. It’s not a new thing but once it’s definite, it hurts more. The road from Full-Time to Part-Time doesn’t nearly affect you as much as going from Part-Time to NO TIME. No Time. This definitely gives me a stomach ache but I’m TRYING to keep it in perspective. Not easy. We have two kids in High School, a mortgage, the usual–not more interesting than thousands and thousands of other people. I’ve always felt for all the other people, now I feel with them. Not much to make you smile. My sense of humor is nowhere to be found.
Oh, and my mother wrote me an incredibly NASTY e-mail about how “she didn’t appreciate the tone in my e-mail, all in caps). For those who are new to this: see the Mouse drama.
In all honesty, I think I’ve been a much better daughter to her than she’s been a mother to me. (Am I even allowed to think this?) It’s true though but at the moment I can’t bear to dig into the past, we’ll leave that for another time.
I’m trying to be encouraging (realistic though) about my husband’s job for his sake. The worst for me was seeing the defeat in his eyes when the news became official this morning. The 50’s- what golden years? Many people I know have cancer or other horrible illnesses, people (me included) are anxious, sad, nervous and afraid. How could we not be? There are horrible people in this world doing horrendous things. I sat in total disbelief as I watched the tragedy unfold in Teas yesterday. I don’t understand. I will never understand certain things.
What I do know is Mothering. I am a good mother to my children, not only do I love them, I ADORE and LIKE THEM too. Goals in life? Mine was always to be a mother. It took me 2 and a half years of painful infertility treatments to become pregnant with my first child, my son. I appreciated every moment I was pregnant, I was joyful, and when my daughter came along I was equally as thrilled. I am not Pollyanna. Sure, I get frustrated with my two teenagers. Isn’t that part of the teenage doctrine? When I was a teenager I was taking care of my own parents and sister. Now, laid up in bed with my torn ligament, my own mother doesn’t even bring over chicken soup, or an American cheese sandwich, or flowers. She always taught us not to ask people if they are hungry, but to bring things out and give to them. Apparently, a lesson learned by me but not carried out by her. I have a difficult relationship with my mother; it was my dad who always understood me. It’s been 8 years and not a day goes by that I don’t think about him or grieve for him. Time heals all? No, not really. TIme takes away the intensity. That deep, open, raw wound does get better with time but it never goes away. Never. I’ll write more later. Hopefully the Halloween candy is not in the house anymore, because that could be dangerous. Life goes on and we with it, but it’s not always fun, it”s often sad and complicated. I have that feeling in my stomach where I know I could cry easily, sob, maybe. But, I will wait until my husband is on the train. I don’t want to add to his burden. He is such a sweet guy. As the teenagers say: this bites. They are so right.