A Bullet Through Two Hearts

I can almost feel the bullet wound, its intense fire, its lingering pain; orange flames dancing like maniacs with a backdrop of blackness.  Like a ballet of thunder, darkness and electricity gliding on the stage with utter synchronicity, like two dogs fighting or birds flying.  Even though I wasn’t hurt physically it feels like I have been.

When someone tells you what they really, really want? Listen.

My mother encouraged me to go away with my family for the holidays. The fact that I even asked her, shocks most people. That’s what happens when one tries to be courteous and polite. She assured me, again and again that I deserved to go and be with my family after we suffered through two horrible years of sickness, marital discord and unemployment, some of which still exist.

We went away for a few days and had a great time and came back home;  she changed her mind. What?  Disagreements, misunderstandings and fights ensued.  I did not make a mistake to go away with my family; we needed this time together. I just behaved differently than I used to behave and did what I wanted to do for my family.

So, instead of forgetting the past and starting anew, albeit differently, my mother sits at home and, most probably, fumes at me and has been, hurt, sad, angry and disgusted.  We both feel the same way about each other. But, I will not let that stop my life from going on, but for pride’s sake, she is hurting herself.  I won’t forget the things she said to me, but I can forgive and move on. Life is too short to be bitter or resentful. If it’s not working this way, try another. Silence is said to be golden, but it isn’t. More likely, it eats away at you  and makes things worse.

I’ve learned the following things. Don’t say yes if you are not sure. Don’t push your family away because you want them closer. Saying mean things to hurt people on purpose is inexcusable but happens. Forgiveness and compassion are two sentiments that really count.

I continue my days which are usually fine, but at night, before I go to sleep, I feel something unsettling in my stomach, twinges that are like nagging little reminders that something is not quite right.  I know that there are two people who love each other but cannot find their way back to a common ground.

Let things go from your heart, don’t keep grudges and reiterate and retell all your feelings and mistakes. People who love each other will hurt each other sometimes. Stop thinking of all the negative things and embrace compassion and forgiveness.

It will be then and only then, that your heart will begin to heal.

2 thoughts on “A Bullet Through Two Hearts

  1. Just want to say your article is striking. The clarity in your post is simply striking and i can take for granted you are an expert on this subject. Well with your permission allow me to grab your rss feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the ac complished work. Excuse my poor English. English is not my mother tongue.

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  2. With family, it is hard sometimes to separate the emotional from the practical. We will take treatment from family members we would not take from friends, co-workers, acquaintances, etc. And, just as our non-family relationships may grow, develop, mature, or disapate, disperse, or wither, so too, do family relationships.
    This factiod isn’t easy to incorpate into our lives. I know. I have an “other” mother due to stroke(s) and dementia. Often, I have to be the parent, and mom is the unruly teen or subborn five year old. This role reversal/shift isn’t easy. But, I have a responsibility because she is family. Someone else I migh walk away from, but family creates a different dynamic.
    My sister-in-law says and lives, “Family first, last, and always.” She has more patience, I think, than I do. To quote from another blog “Patience is not a virtue, its a learned skill” Taken from “The Pond” posted Jan. 15 2010 at http://www.beaknfeather.wordpress.com I’m still in my learning curve.
    Good luck with your Mom. Hope your heart heals soon!
    Phylor

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