The Headache That Slammed My World

I sit in my bedroom, lights dimmed, having just swallowed two Bufferin. I have an aching head and while once the cicadas outside brought me a lively colorful concert, they now are taunting me with their continuous and annoying chirping. I have read many of the blogs on chronic pain, I have also written about chronic pain but I feel I am not worthy of that group, not really. Their pain is so much worse than mine, I think. I have an auto-immune disease (Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and some say Fibromyalgia too. I have inflamed joints that are stiff and betray me, my right hand seems to be curled all the time, even in sleep. It is painful to unfurl them, one at a time, like the hand of a grotesque witch, and me.

I am slower and stiffer than I used to be. Getting in and out of cars, (beds, chairs, everything) fills me with pain and stiffness; I feel old and weary. I can live with that, many of my friends on-line suffer so much more.  What I AM missing is energy. Everything in my body hurts, or my infamous line to describe to doctors and friends “it’s like having the flu without the fever.”

I see a rheumatologist and am now on my third medication for my auto-immune disease. The first one worked well but ended up giving me a non-stop cough and I was hospitalized for epiglottitis; (think raw throat pain times a million) steak knife through open wounds, the worst pain I have ever had.  The second medicine, worked great for my energy but the side effects were so bad, (intestinal in nature) that I could not leave my house for 8 weeks.

Now, I am on the third (and last) medicine, I don’t want to try another one. This is the last chance before I just let my body become chemical free and deal with what I have been dealt with. I don’t have the money for holistic remedies, massage, etc. I barely have enough money to cover doctor appointments at fifty dollars a pop. The rheumatologist doesn’t accept any insurance so I have no choice but to pay him the big, HUGE bucks; I don’t go often. I was all set to go to a holistic place that would try to treat my condition(s) naturally until I found out that the cost was seven thousand dollars. Again, seven thousand dollars and this did not include follow-up visits or medicine.

My eyes are lowered, the sound of the cicada’s have lessened.   The pounding in my head is less severe, but now there are dogs barking loudly across the stream. I thought the cicadas were bad, they were an opera compared to these angry, fighting, nasty dogs. Time passes, I play low soothing music, I drink water and I don’t know if the medicine helped or if the darkness provides a cover, a safety net for all. Hopefully soon, I will sleep.

1 thought on “The Headache That Slammed My World

  1. I hope your headache gets better!
    I, too, “feel I am not worthy of that group, not really. Their pain is so much worse than mine, I think” I don’t have fibromyalgia (which you very well might have given some of your symptoms!) or chronic fatigue syndrome, so while I deal with chronic pain and fatigue, I am in awe of others, such as yourself, who are dealing with pain and other chronic conditions. I can’t imagine the pain you had with the epiglottitis or me trying to deal with that problem.
    I hope this medication helps with your autoimmune issues! Is the headache a side effect?
    Pain is a thief, to quote from another chronic pain survivor: it robs you of energy, of spark, of life. It can make you feel old before your time, and keep you from enjoying what goes on around you.
    I admire you for what you have been dealing with emotionally, physically and financially while remaining able to blog on a regular basis, “facebook”, and keep up with stuff that’s out there on the web and in the world.
    You are worthy to be in any group you chose. I hope you are now asleep, with the pain drifting away with each outward breath, and with each inward breath, a feeling of calm, of centeredness, of peace.

    Like

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