Lost And Found

Tulips from Keukenhof Gardens, Lisle, Holland.

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t been writing at all and I don’t know why. It’s always a bad sign if I don’t write. Now, I need to question myself, in public, about what’s going on. The past week has been filled with pain, intensely painful legs out of nowhere with nothing to help dissipate the pain. Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, even Tramadol which I have been taking twice a day. Of course, I thought, I jinxed myself when I wrote that I was “lucky”that my pain was less intense than some.  Past tense. Now I have a new pain that I didn’t think was possible and I don’t know where it came from or why it still exists. That new pain jolted me to a new reality and I hate it.

I’m bothered that my sister is my sister and not a friend I would pick and that the best friend I had picked has completely lost herself,  in her marriage and her children and has not resurfaced for years. The stress in the house has become unbearable at times, with my husband unemployed and a Junior and Senior in High School. They have essays to write, exams to study for, colleges to apply to, jobs, appointments, homework, studying. We all feel the stress around us, inside us, despite of us. My children and husband are what keep me going; I not only love these three people, I adore them. They make me laugh, they make me smile and when I was about to cry today, they knew it long before I did.

Yesterday I laughed so hard I had a stomach ache, my kids put up a fake unicorn tapestry to prank their father for going to the Cloisters. After dinner with our friend Janis from California we all ate chocolate, one with a spice called cholula. We laughed and gasped through the pain and I downed two glasses of Arnold Palmer lite iced tea and lemonade afterwards. I went to bed smiling, the laughter being a delightful and unexpected present.

The holidays are almost upon us and I start thinking of my dad, who passed away 8 or 9 years ago. Why is it that I can never remember the year he died? Not being good with numbers has nothing to do with it, it’s a mental and emotional block that I can’t seem to get over. My father was the buffer in the family, the diplomat, the peace-maker. Without him the rest of the family is a triangle of raw emotions.  I was the one who lost the person who understood me the most and who thought identically like me. There is a gaping hole in our family and as everyone who has lost someone they loved knows, there is nothing to heal that pain. It’s like a festering, open wound and once in a while someone tosses in a cup of salt every now and again. There is before and there is after. Your whole world changes forever.

My birthday is coming up and as much as I used to love my birthday this year it feels like a dull ache. I don’t care that I am another year older, I was never concerned with age. Whether I am 53 or 54 doesn’t mean much to me at all. I don’t hide my age and I don’t erase my wrinkled forehead. These fine lines come from experience, both good and bad, they are here to stay. Earlier today I was thinking of my “bucket list”.  The first thing that came to mind was a tour of the tulip season in Holland and snorkeling in  some Caribbean Island so I could escape the long, cold, snowy winters.

Life is short, I am trying to make it fun. Every day is a gift and I should appreciate it but sometimes I get swept away by all the negativity and I need to pull myself up and out of that empty hole in the musty, brown earth, inch by painstaking inch. I think I have found my voice again so after I dig myself out, I will be facing the sun.

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2 thoughts on “Lost And Found

  1. Well, at least you had some laughs AND chocolate! lol
    When someone we love dies, a piece of ourselves die with them. Time can heal the edges of the emptiness, but nothing can really fill that hole, that space once occupied. For you, your father played an important and crucial role in your life, so his “hole” is large, and sometimes it seems like not even the edges have healed.
    I can’t comment on how sisterhood should work, never having a sister myself, but family members don’t always live up the standards we or society places upon them. I’m sure there are other sisters out there who wish they were closer to/better friends with their sibling. And, I know it hurts when someone seems to turn their back and become so wrapped up in their family life, they forget to leave room for others. Someday your friend might wake up and realize just how important friendship is and you will be able to bridge the gap that now exists. Reconnections do happen: have you tried closing the gap recently?
    I think writing (when you aren’t doing it for employment) is something that some folks can just do. For other people, blog entries need to have some emotional impact, or come out of a particular feeling. Write when you feel like it: your plinky.com stuff is great!
    So, as I’ve said before, hang in there. You’ve got lots of friends in the cyberverse, even if your sister and former best friend aren’t playing that role in your life right now.
    PS: tell hubby, the unicorn tapestries are one of my two favo(u)rite things at the Cloisters (besides the gardens, of course), the other is the Belle Heurs de duc de berry (not quite right spelling and title here) which was recently on display at the Met.

    Like

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