EARLY COLLEGE: A PARODY

Even though the SAT or ACT is preferred in dif...

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Dear College Board,

We are parents of a Junior and a Senior in High School. We know all about ” early decision” where students can find out their application status earlier than other students. We also know it is a binding contract and should be taken very seriously. There is also “early action” which is non-binding but still affords the potential student with information about their status from certain colleges with a rolling admissions process. We know it can be a very stressful and tense time waiting for the dreaded AND most eagerly anticipated, April 1st 2011 deadline.  Herewith, I am planning a proposal for yet another placement strategy that is called ” Early College.”

“Early College” are for those seniors in High School that are READY to be in college even though it is still the first quarter of their senior year. “Early College” is meant to help parents deal with their children’s “senioritis”: obnoxious behavior, arguments and their child’s apparent “superior- knowledge -in -everything.” Since these children seem to be SO advanced,  with their astounding wisdom and arrogance it seems fitting that they should have a temporary place to live at a college, any college, before they get officially accepted. Students  would be required to take the following courses: No Beer 101, No Weed, 101, No Lying 101 thru 501 (advanced placement offered after a failed a polygraph test), I Like My Friends Better 101, 301, and 501 and Trying The Patience Of Parents (can be repeated if necessary.)

Parents of the world have been suffering through this transitory stage since the inception of college as we know it today.  It is generally a process that starts in the Junior year of High School which includes, but is not limited to, the following:  1) driving permit, 2) PSAT, 3) tutoring for the SAT, 4) paying for the PSAT and SAT ) 5) paying for driver’s education course 6) paying for additional drivers on our insurance etc. We listen with an open heart to gripes about the PSAT, ACT, SAT, SAT 2’s, and those teachers that “hate” our children. We pay for additional tutoring with a smile and a hefty check and we shuttle those with a learner’s permit to and from: malls, movies, friend’s houses, malls, and malls. I am proposing a Junior program as well for those Juniors in HS that are not quite ready to take the big step away from home. It’s called the “Parent Appreciation Program & Smiling” program or PAPS as we call it. This program is for an entire week where students will have to sit through (or be sat on) courses such as the following: Eye Rolling, Superior Attitude, Cursing, and Selfish Behavior.  In these classes, teachers will parrot student behaviors and show students what it is like for parents every single day and night. They should learn how it feels and recite the following every ten minutes: “treat others as you would like to be treated.” That is, in our program, our mantra.

Thank you for your attention and consideration. We know that the aforementioned programs will bring a brief respite for parents and some important information for the Juniors and Seniors in all High Schools. Please let us know what we can do to expedite this program. I mean that seriously, please.

Yours truly,

Parents of High School Students Incorporated

5 thoughts on “EARLY COLLEGE: A PARODY

  1. Wonderful concept. I am sure you can create a grass roots movement akin to “Yes We Can” … maybe call it, “Off You Go”? I chuckled throughout my reading of this post. 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  2. My parents would probably have appreciated me taking the above courses! Since I was supposed to pay for my own tution based on money made from working, the funding proposals would have been helpful to ME. Of course, my first year at an instution of higher learning came with a price tag under $800. which now would only cover the suggested clothing allowance for college visitation suggested above.
    Parents, everywhere, would appreciate your proposal. You might consider publishing it elsewhere as well.

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  3. Love it! Only, where was this back in ’03 when my daughter was a junior in HS? I believe you missed one area: a “Special Non-Tuition, All-Other Expenses” Grant program.

    This would be a special fund to be an addendum to the “Transitory Stage, Parts 1-6”, above. This would provide monies available to pay for the following, non-inclusive, list of EXtra expenses. These would include, but would not be limited to 1) travel expenses to visit school campus(es) 2) The new wardrobe needed for said visits (this may pertain to girls only) 3) Non-refundable Application fees to the no less than Five (5) colleges, recommended by school counselors for your student(s) to apply 4) Senior pictures 5) Cap and Gown 6) Senior Prom expenses 7) etc., etc., etc.

    Enjoy the moments. That Senior Year goes by in the blink of an eye!

    Thanks for the memories,
    CJ

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