Good-Bye 2010; I Won’t Miss You.

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Image by sweethardt via Flickr

I know it’s New Year’s Eve and I’m supposed to have some quirky, funny wrap up of the year we have almost left but I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. I can’t wrap up this last depressing year into a neatly wrapped Christmas present tied with a big, red sparkling bow. This last year has been horrible and I can’t wait to see it leave us alone and go away. I don’t care about the Times Square ball dropping and the countdown. Nothing says partying to me more than having two cups of non-alcoholic eggnog, a few Ghiradelli dark chocolate brownies, slipping into my monkey night-shirt and deeply sleeping through the transition of one year to the next.

I admit that I was never much of a party girl for New Year’s Eve before but I do have a legitimate reason not to feel festive these days. My dad died on New Year’s Eve ten years ago. I can’t remember what I had for lunch today but I can’t forget that my mom called me on the phone ten years ago at 10:20pm and told me bluntly “it’s over.” At first I really didn’t understand what she meant. I can’t forget the look of my eight -year- old son screaming “NOOOOO” and  the innocent look in my six-year-old daughter’s bright blue eyes. I remember my husband storming into the room as I started wailing and rocking back and forth, for a very long time, sobbing and holding on to myself and to him. The next thing I remember I was in the fetal position on the bed, moaning.

Mornings after that were the worst for me. I hated waking up each morning, knowing that something was terribly wrong and needing a minute to remember what it was. That in-between state of dreaming and awake was like cruel punishment.  I had a husband, two young children and a puppy that needed me, that saved me and I needed them even more.

In the last few weeks I have felt the best in my life and the worst. My heart has been open and trusting and giving and it has been crushed, cruelly like a sharp ice pick  through young, vulnerable skin. I can see the blood dripping on the beautiful untouched, glittering snow but I can’t believe it. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake these days.

I’ve grown-up quite a bit this year and I have made amazing progress about boundaries with my extended family. I am no longer the public defender, I have stepped down from that role. I will only comment on what happens between me and another person and everyone else is on their own. For me, this is huge.

Once in a while you take a step forward and then you stumble backwards, sometimes falling straight down to the black ice and breaking bones, sometimes lucky enough to catch an extended, sturdy, warm hand and walk away. It’s all we can ask for. Hope, Trust, Friendship, Love and Health. This is my wish for you.

4 thoughts on “Good-Bye 2010; I Won’t Miss You.

  1. Pingback: keep it simple: one word, one wish, one dream, one resolution « Phylor's Blog

  2. Another great entry. I’m so sorry about your dad. I can’t imagine the grief that just never goes away. I know he is looking down and very proud of his daughter. Her strength. Her empathy. Her giving heart. Her talent for writing and helping others. Let’s just try real hard to make 2011 a year of changing. Lets try to be positive. Let’s try to heal old wounds. Let’s try to look forward to each day, to not allow pain and illness to be who we are. I’m here for you big Sis….we can do this! 😉 xoxo
    Tammy
    http://spicyt.wordpress.com

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  3. Here’s to a better year for you and your family. Sorry that’s 2010 has been such h*ll!; here’s to having the new decade = a clean slate, a fresh start, new beginnings for everyone; a newness that brings smiles, not frowns.
    PS: you could have waived the liquer bottle over the eggnog since it was new year’s eve. LOL

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