The Sad Mom

wept

Image by the|G|™ via Flickr

I’m cold, terribly cold and I am not even outside in the twenty inches of snow we have. I’m in my bed with four comforters, a heating pad for my neck and shoulders and my feet are still freezing. I need to find those fuzzy socks that help tame the frozen beasts that are my irregular toes.

I’ve had Fibromyalgia for about five years now. In all this time I have tried many different medications and I have seen two or three Rheumatologists.  Still, no relief.  I am taking Savella and I am on the maximum dose and I swear it did work  for a while but now…..nothing. Does this happen with Fibromyalgia? I also keep getting new symptoms like my hands  and elbows and legs cramping in the middle of the night, symptoms that I was unfamiliar with but are now constant. I don’t understand this illness; perhaps nobody does.

Does Fibromyalgia encompass every symptom that has ever been heard of? Is it progressive? Why do I have more symptoms now than I did five years ago? I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which doctor to trust, if any. I also have an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis which complicates my overall condition. I’m not feeling too lucky today; I’m just feeling sad, with no hope.

I have read countless books and articles, each one of them bringing a little piece to the puzzle but none of them fitting together to make a full-fledged picture. Ask ten doctors advice, you get ten different opinions. If you are lucky to get a doctor that doesn’t roll their eyes in disbelief, you consider that a win.

I would be open to new kinds of treatment , massage? acupuncture? diet? but I am not sure where to start. Not only do I not know where to start, I can’t pay for it even if I did.  Everyone “means well” and adds their opinion:  my mother says I should “just get out of bed and exercise more” when she doesn’t realize that getting out of bed is in itself is a painful exercise. My husband thinks I should go back on auto-immune drugs but I’m the one getting all the side effects and chemicals. Nothing seems to work. Nothing.

The only people who understand me are the people I meet in Fibromyalgia/Chronic illness chat rooms. I fantasize of a cure, an Oprah A-Ha moment but know that is unrealistic. I don’t like being the mom that has to be dropped off at the door of college presentations for my son and daughter, so I can sit down. I don’t like being the mom that sleeps a lot, when I can, and groans walking up and down our staircase.

I could easily start weeping but stopping would be that much harder.

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6 thoughts on “The Sad Mom

  1. I often ask the same exact questions you do! It’s so insanely frustrating, isn’t it? Some days I realize that I won’t every have the answers and that on my good days I just have to enjoy them to the fullest so that on the bad days, I have those good thoughts that I can revert back to. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t! 😉 acupuncture is amazing, I also wish I could afford it again, insurance should cover it if it’s something that’s working for you..so unfair. They tell us that FMS isn’t progressive and all I have to say to that is BULL! Like you…I find that over time we have more symptoms and more strange things happening to us that most likely wouldn’t if we didn’t have the Fibro beast inside of us. Hang in there! I wish you a good day soon to relieve you from being a sad Mom today. xoxoxo

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  2. I wrote a long post to this blog earlier….evidently it didn’t post….which bums me out….but I will just reiterate that I can relate…cuz I feel that way…the sad mom….the sick mom…the mom whos in bed more often than not….it sux…but it doesn’t make us bad moms….and it doesn’t mean we won’t have a full life….maybe not as full as others….or as active as others…but we are here….and we will make the best of it…even on these days that we are sad….luv ya Laurie! xoxoxo

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  3. So sorry that you’re a sad mom today!
    I don’t have the answers to your questions; if I did, I’d be rich and I’d buy you a month or two at a spa!
    But, keep asking the questions; if folks can provide an answer here, another one there, perhaps you will be able to put together the pieces of your health puzzle (or find the missing piece(s)).
    Keep reaching out: there are lots of hands to hold out there.

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  4. Oh Laurie my dear. You know I understand all too well. I too love the well meaning suggestions of “Well just get out more”, “Try to get some exercise” “Keep pushing thru it”….they all act like this pain will somehow end….they do not seem to get that this is a lifetime diagnosis of pain issues. The pain will never end…I wish I could jump up out of the bed and go out jogging…I truly do. I also understand the not being able to afford proper treatment, if we had access to the best doctors, perhaps we could get even a little relief, I don’t know. But what I relate to most in this particular entry Laurie, is the hating being the sick mom. I hate that more than anything. I’m the mom that gets dropped off at the door, so I don’t have to walk far. I’m the mom that can’t take her teen daughter shopping for long without sitting down and resting…and suffering in pain the whole time so bad I can’t joke around and be the fun playful mom I am on the inside. I’m the mom that lays in bed more often than not. Yea…being “that sick mom” is the most defeating part of being ill for me. I know I will live out the rest of my life in pain….I just wish that it didn’t have to reflect on my parenting. Having Fibro, Adhesions, Endometriosis, IBS, bloodclotting disorder, degenerative disk disease/ruptured disks, osteoarthritis and currently a non healing broken foot….has definitely changed how I parent…it has limited what kind of parent I wanted to be….I’m still always there for my kids, to be sure, they can and do talk to me about any and everything, they come to me for advice, I do whatever I can for them always…but I know they worry about me, I know they are scared for me, I know they wish I was healthier so I could get out and do more physically….but right now I can’t. I haven’t given up….I daily research my illnesses, I am trying to do healthy things in my life, I do what exercises I am physically able to do, I try to keep positive that I will be able to do more physically sometime in the future. All I can say my Laurie Lou….is that I know we are good parents. I know our kids love us. I know we are doing the best we can with what we have. I know things are tough right now….but I know we are gonna make it. We are strong and we will survive this. I love your blog for sure! You’re such a talented writer! You bring comfort and support to alot of people. Keep your chin up girlie! Luv ya! xoxo
    tammy
    http://spicyt.wordpress.com

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