i want outta here

Fist by David Shankbone

Image via Wikipedia

i’m sicka my body, sicka my self, cranky as all hell for bein my age and my character and my illnesses. so sick i wanna steal someone else’s body and call it my own so i can feel myself for who i really am. know what i’m sayin? i don’t wanna be a granny, too old for who i am inside me. my body doesn’t match what i feel in my heart. i cant be happy anymore least not tonite because now my ear hurts and i dont wanna go to see my doctor cuz i am sick o doctors, doctors o every kind. i got lots of different doctors one for everything, and then some. none of them ever did me much good an i don’t care if they are hotshots. no cure, no care.

i wanta be another person in another place, or maybe me in a different time. i want ta be in hawaii like when i was 30 and in love and slim and my green eyes were dancing and my legs, arms, face, body was tan, like with healthy skin not like some tanner beds they have now. i was as brown as milk chocolate and equally sweet. i was someon way back when and i mattered.

now im just old and hurting and i ache so much all the time that it makes my mind go unhappy and a little nervous ass too. who am i now, i dont like this stranger, this whiny mess, she is not me but afraid she is me. i just dont like her anymore, not the way she is today. bring back that girl with the twinkling, brazen green eyes and the perfectly shaped lips. replace her sagging jowls with happiness and the black circles under her eyes, make them disappear too. you are old now and sick and there will never be a witness to who u were before you got these chronic illness like fibro and hashimotos thyroiditis. you know what it means. it means you hurt all over, all your muscles and all your bones and nothin makes you feel better any of the time except maybe when you sleep. sometimes when i sleep i wake up at 3am and then everything is just worse than usual because things get scarier and you feel really alone. try to sleep tho, because its your only escape from relentless pain. try.

jus remember in the mornin, you gotta start all over again, cuz there never is a tomorrow that is different than today. because sometimes life is not so fair even tho there are people that have it worse. but after awhile when u don’t get a break you think you gonna just lie this way forever and someday get smaller and smaller but you will still be lying on that bed, under blankets except the bed will stay the same but not you, no will just go on and disappear, like angry dust in the air.

4 thoughts on “i want outta here

  1. Well said. My chronic pain began when I was 23, but I feel like I was beginning some of the best years of my life (at least at that point). Then, my life changed forever. I wish we could all be relieved of the pain we endure. Blessings to you.

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  2. Wish I had a “golden age” to look back at when there wasn’t pain or one sort or another. Seems to me, something has always hurt for as long as I can remember. Now, it’s the fatigue that gets me; I used to have energy, be spontaneous, be active well into my 40s. There were pain days (monthly) and after 1998, my facial pain. But 2004 marked the beginning of a downward spiral that’s still spinning beyond my control. What hurt before hurts worse (expect for monthly cycle stuff, lol) even with meds to try and tamp it down a bit. And, the weight of exhaustion stoops my shoulders even more into the dowager hump.
    I know how you feel. If time travel were possible, we could zap ourselves back to a point where everything was possibilites, minimal pain, hopes and dreams with important, aspirations were inspirations. It’s never fair to get old before one’s time. Pain/fibro is an energy vampire.

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  3. You put into words exactly how I feel. I’m sorry you suffer so. I”m sorry I do. I’m sorry any of us must have to live each day in pain and agony without a break. It makes me so mad. My foot is throbbing so bad I want to cut it off, but nothing will fix it. I feel some days like I’m a useless lump, just waiting for death…most days. Wish we lived closer…maybe we could help each other a bit more…but it does help to know you’re there, and my other friends online who understand my pain…atleast we have that much? xoxoxo

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