The Map To Nowhere Fast

Chronic pain

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I have a weird feeling of unrest and stress, slimy blue- green and flourescent orange winding its way around my brain is how I picture it, how I feel it. No soothing colors of white and yellow and beige. Fake colors, unnatural.  I frown more than I smile and as hard as I am trying to focus on the positive it’s not easy. There is so much going on in my life that it’s hard to focus. I don’t think it’s just me though, I think it’s a lot of people.  It’s a feeling, not a good one, somewhere between the roads of anxious and depressed, stopping at weary.

There are natural disasters all over the world and I am sure we all feel, not only heartbroken for other people, but scared. There is too much sinewy stuff whirling around and no happy place to settle. What happened to my “happy place” images? Why am I only seeing the rain battering the purple flowers instead of the blooming of the flowers alone.

There is tension inside my house, we are in “the sandwich generation” that I used to read about. It isn’t fun, it’s scary. The “baby boomers” who have restless teenagers and aging parents who are alone or ill or depressed. I am that “baby boomer” now except I have the added affliction of my own “chronic pain.” Fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis do not do me any favors, I walk along slowly, painfully, I stumble through different medications and expectations. Very low expectations.

I also have narrow-angled glaucoma which is a dangerous disease or as one unfriendly opthalmologist put it “you could go blind in an instant.” Quite a bedside manner, don’t you think? Needless to say, I stopped going to him. It’s funny that I barely write about this condition, maybe it’s pure, frigid fear. Maybe there is only so much pain I can handle. My brain and eyes get hammered, with laser shocks, every few months by a doctor that I once believed was very good. I don’t think so anymore. “In twenty years of practicing, I’ve never had a patient whose eyes kept closing up like yours do.”  Every time I go to the city he lasers my eyes again, because the hole he drilled into me has closed. He does this procedure either in his office or in the hospital with no pain relief; imagine barbed wire going through your eyes and brain, quickly, twenty or thirty times in a row. The eye drop he casually puts in gives me incredibly painful headaches (migraines?) I do know that the pain I feel is barbaric, no pain medications, no anesthesia, no break. Over and over again; fast and furious.

The gray, dreary day does not help me since I feel overwrought and unfocused. I am dealing with both chronic pain, (Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis) and new back pain that feels like my back bent and broke itself during sleep like a twisted pretzel you find in any mall. I am trying to accept my life for what it is, both bad and good, often simultaneously. Change is in the air like a dog-sniffing a new scent, it’s just hard to predict when and where things will happen.

I read an article in the NY Times today about a young couple with a young daughter. Each parent has cancer. That, is a problem I say to myself, not the dreary workings of an often too-emotional, anxious and pain- filled mind. I am so sorry Nathan and Elisa. You and your baby have my prayers because perspective is the greatest gift of all. I will speak no more.

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4 thoughts on “The Map To Nowhere Fast

  1. Oh my gosh. THAT IS NOT THE TREATMENT that the opthamologists told me for narrow angle glaucoma. Have you had second opinions.
    There’s something wrong here.
    PLEASE go to a major eye center, if you haven’t already. I went to UCLA and USC which are both teaching hospitals for my second opinions — they don’t stand to gain anything ($) and gave me very thorough exams. Then the intern doctor examined me. Then the head of the clinic.
    What you are going through sounds barbaric. In this day and age I can’t believe that is the route.
    My heart goes out to you.

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    • No?????!!!!!!!!! Oh Dear G-d, I guess I will be getting the 5th opinion ASAP. You did say that they would laser your eyes though……what have I done? More importantly, what have they done to ME? I went to a guy in Manhattan too! Thank you for the information, Judith, I will check it out ASAP.

      Love, Laurie

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  2. Sometimes, we need to feel gray for awhile. To contemplate the scary, the stressing, the demanding. I don’t envy you being a member of the sandwich: not a position that folks really understand or imagine until they are in the situation.
    Like Mo, I hope you soon feel the sunshine again, and have warm, spring breezes scented with earth, flowers, and hope.

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  3. Sorry you are having such a gray day. Your eye problems sound horrific, and that doctor too. I hope your skies brighten up in the next few days and you are back to your optimistic humorous self.
    xomo

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