Waiting In A Too Still Moment

Thunderstorm - NOAA

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There are a lot of things going on but except for the doctor’s appointment I had today, with a breast surgeon ( I’m fine) I am waiting for things to happen.  My dog looks unwell, tired and scared, she is not eating. Is it the upcoming thunderstorms she feels approaching or…..is she too old?  She won’t come up the stairs, that is very unusual. I changed my own doctor’s appointment next week because I noticed my dog’s exam with her veterinarian is scheduled for the same day. I will go with her; I have always gone with her, every year for nine years. She needs me and I need her. She is nine and sometimes I look at her and want to quietly weep. My pup. I’ve had you since I rescued you at six weeks old.

I am waiting for test reports to come back, not for myself; the phone is quiet, not shrieking, loud and  jarring as it usually is.  It is never this quiet here.  I feel a pause in the universe and inside myself.  There are no sounds in the house except my fingers clicking on this old keyboard. I am concentrating on the stillness and it feels surreal.

Will it feel like this when both my kids go off to college? My son, is going to college in September; my daughter, my baby, next year. Prom is the day after tomorrow and I am still in disbelief  that time has passed so quickly. Even though I have seen the handsome tuxedo and the grin on my son’s face I can’t believe it is here. I am afraid I will cry when I see the sparkling young couples posing together for their prom pictures. I will bring sunglasses and not let it show although my son only has to take one passing glance at me and he will know. I will NOT let him see.

I could pick up the phone but I don’t want to ruin this eery quiet with unnecessary noise. The silence and solitude, I fear, is meant for a reason. I am breathing deeply. I sip from a small, green Pellegrino bottle, it seems to be the only color in the entire room. I never liked to drink water before but I enjoy this. Maybe it’s because we drank bubbly mineral water, every day, when we were in  Spain.  Our Spain vacation with my husband, for ten days, now seems like a dream I had; it is getting cloudy in detail, in texture, in color, in my memory.

I would like to keep everyone safe and healthy but I have no control. I am  gathering up courage in order for me to help others. I am trying to come from a centered place. I am controlling anxiety by breathing but it is beginning to be hard to swallow. My dog, my son, test results, weather, change is coming quickly, but it isn’t here yet.

It is getting cloudy now, maybe the thunderstorms will come and relieve the awful, suffocating heat. The thunderstorms are supposed to make the weather cooler; I know that but my dog doesn’t. I will keep her near me, my arm around her fur and wait for the storms to come crashing down like glass shattered by a young boy’s errant baseball. Everything can change in a moment, I want to be ready.

2 thoughts on “Waiting In A Too Still Moment

  1. You are such a talented writer Laurie Lou….Whatever you write it’s always inspiring in some way to me…I know its hard to have our beloved pets age……our children grow up……waiting on medical tests………anticipating the next storm….that stillness before hand….I have never taken the time to appreciate….I hope now I will. Just came from my 17 y/o dts boyfriends highschool graduation tonite…made me think back to mine, oh sooo long ago…I thought I had the world by the tail as they say, boy was I wrong! lol….but, I have my 2 amazing kids, a supportive husband, adorable pets and a roof over my head—albeit a flooded moldy one at the moment—lol, but I’m grateful for what I have, including my online friends like you Laurie Lou and Phylor and Julie and so many others.

    Tammy

    Like

  2. I hope your dog is okay. I have an older dog, my son’s really, but he is my grand doggie who lives with me and is ten now. He lies around most of the time. It makes me sad. I don’t want him to get old, but he already is.

    This post is full of love. Love for your dog and children. Love for the company and the silence. It is beautiful.

    Maybe you could write in a diary about all you remember of your trip.

    Have a blessed day,
    hugs and doggy kisses.

    Like

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