Worrying, Lamb Souvlaki And Pollyanna

Pollyanna (1960 film)

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I’ve had way too many changes in my life in a short period of time and I feel unsettled. Anxiety attacks have crept up on me like the sting of bees approaching quickly, out of nowhere.  I feel anxious, on and off, and I am not too proud to admit it. A lot of people have feelings of anxiety, that’s why there’s medication and breathing, writing and music, and today, cleaning and keeping busy. Usually there are friends to talk to but my dear friend is in England having a great vacation and others don’t really make the effort or are just too busy with their own lives. My worry and I are together, we’re holding hands.

My mom has been sick and I am worried about her; her anxiety is fueling mine. My mother who was always seemed so strong and energetic seems  more vulnerable now, she’s had a horrible year and she’s scared, we both are. I’m “meeting worry half -way” as my old friend, ex-nun, lesbian and former boss used to say. That’s not doing anyone any good. I am scared for my mom and for me,  I think she is too.  My sister is usually the Pollyanna type in the family so I just wrote her and asked how she felt, maybe she can comfort me. I know she is not a worrier, and even though she is extremely positive about these sorts of medical situations I’m not sure it will rub off on me though I hope it does.

I have a wonderful husband, two great kids, a lovable, sweet dog; I have a home to live in and food on the table. So, why am I so unhappy? Better yet, why am I feeling so anxious lately?  I know I am worried about my mom but things have also been changing quickly.  My son graduated High School and is at his second home in Connecticut being a Counselor at his old sleep away camp. I’m told he’s very happy, we haven’t heard from him. I wonder if it will be the same way when he starts college in September but I am not ready to go there mentally yet.

When did fun flee from my life, like people racing out of the water at the mere hint of a shark sighting? What is happening? Last night was different and I was thrilled.  My husband and I went to an old, small, family -owned Greek restaurant, I ate Avgolemono soup (Greek chicken, rice and lemon soup) and pita bread, he ate lamb souvlaki, big, fat, french fries and a salad. Afterwards, we saw the new Woody Allen movie and ran into friends. Throughout the movie I did not worry, I was entertained and charmed by Midnight In Paris. Welcome back, Woody Allen.

Xanax is a prescription medicine that just takes the edge off of being worried, it doesn’t fix things, it smooths the sharp edges like green and blue sea glass. My feet ache, I think I have a broken bone in my left foot, it is hard to walk up stairs, it is hard to walk, it is hard to breathe. There is no way I can hobble around in the city, as planned, I will postpone it until after the X-ray next week and the results of my mother’s tests. More importantly,  I will  “talk” to my deceased father, sending messages and prayers into the dark sky like shiny, silver helium balloons. I hope you are right Pollyanna, I really, truly do.

4 thoughts on “Worrying, Lamb Souvlaki And Pollyanna

  1. I’m sorry that you are struggling with anxiety, I have had that off and on for years and it sucks. I am sorry too about your mom, and your foot pain, and missing your son.

    I love Greek food. I’m glad that and the movie were able to be distractions for you from all that’s going on. take care.


  2. @ Laurie: As I was reading your blog entry, I became aware of some movement in the weeping cherry tree outside the window. The tree bloomed absolutely gorgeously last year. This year, the blosooms were meager and soon off the tree; it really didn’t look healthy. The person I called about the bugs I found in the back lawn, let a note that the cherry was dying due to a caterpillar infestation. (I haven’t seen any of them yet).
    The movement in the tree was a pair of cedar waxwings — one of my favo(u)rite birds. I wonder if they were attracted by the bugs? (I know they eat berries).
    What I’m trying to get at, in my rambling way, is that while the caterpillars are harming the tree, they may also have been why I had the birds visit. So, sometimes, something good can come of something “not good.”
    Being away at camp, a familiar setting, is a different experience than being away from home AND at university. Tim’s lack of communication now doesn’t necessarily mean the same for when he’s in school.
    The unknown can sometimes be more scarier, more worryable than the known. Perhaps once your mom’s tests are done, a diagnosis is made, you will feel less anxious about it.
    Sorry to hear about your foot. Are you taking anything for osteoporosis? Have you had a bone density scan? (My apologies if I’ve asked before) My wrist fractured the way it did because I have osteoporisis.
    You have many online friends; keep reaching out to them. Anxiety is understandable given all you have going on, and all the changes to come.
    And, you could get a prescription for stronger xanax; or try a xanax cocktail — 2 parts cocktail, 1 part xanax.
    Hang in there.
    @ Tammy: sorry to read that things are so hard for you and your family right now. I really wish there was some way to heal the wounds, and take away the pain. Wishing you a winning lottery ticket, too.


  3. Sorry you are having anxiety and worry issues. Im also sorry Im not around more online, but my own life is spiraling into hell also, my health continues to get worse, can’t eat, the pain is unreal, we are so broke I cant make our house payment this month, our credit card is maxed out…the list is freakin endless, but I wont bore you with the details. You have enough on your plate.

    I have had a son leave home, go into military and buy a home of his own…so I understand that issue also, and I have my 17 y.o daughter who is a senior this year….cant bring myself to think of her leaving home.

    My grandparents and parents are all becoming ill and less able to do many things.

    I know all about anxiety and worry too…I take the xanax..doesnt help me much at all, probably too low of a dose. I worry about everything and everyone every minute of every day….

    This week I’ve had a sore throat where I can’t swallow or talk…or else I would try to give you a call and be your shoulder to lean on, maybe next week I hope. Goin to doc tomorrow for antibiotic, cuz this throat has been swollen for a week now.

    So, Laurie Lou….I understand. I also understand feeling alone. I spend 90% of my time alone, and I have very few people I talk to, other than my daughter and my sons fiance…I try not to worry people. I guess this is just the circle of life…we raise our kids, take care of our parents and grandparents, deal with our own illness and just keep making the best of things.

    Im certainly no pollyanna…the opposite for sure…I expect the worst…that way Im not dissappointed. I know thats bad and there are those who will claim that thinking negative causes negative stuff, but Ive tried the thinking positive crap and its never worked for me…I can pretend to be positive, for other peoples sakes, but I have never had any reason to be positive…my childhood was abusive, teens and young adulthood a struggle, now in my mid 40s Im stuck with too many illnesses to keep track of and pennyless.

    I really care about my online friends for sure, most days I try to jump on here to see how all of you are doing, somedays I just don’t have the energy to try to put together a very good comment and I;m sorry for that…I dont mean to just leave everyone alone…but sometimes I have absolutely nothing good to say, so I say nothing…bleh.

    Hang in there, you will get used to your household changing, maybe pick up a new hobby…a sedentary one even. Try not to worry…but I know thats silly…we are born worriers. Take it easy on that foot…you know how my broken foot has been…still not healed and october will be a dang year!

    Feel free to message me anytime Laurie. Im here, even when Im quiet, if I know you or anyone else needs me, I can suck it up and be there for sure.



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