Like We Used To

mother and son

Image by 'PixelPlacebo' via Flickr

It’s a different page in the book, the old chapter ended abruptly. Now, there’s a new chapter that really doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest. But, since I have no choice but to continue reading, whether I want to or not, I will learn something in the end. I’m not sure if I will like the ending or if I will hate it but it is not an ending that I get to write. Not anymore. It’s no longer my story. I’m so low on energy today with the temperature and the humidity so high it hurts to breathe and I am feeling daggers of chest pain. Tears are sliding down my cheeks but I don’t bother to wipe them away; it’s all out of my control. I wish I could hide away somewhere, or go on vacation alone and relearn who I am.

It would be nice to be able to talk to my eighteen and a half-year old son with the same ease, joy, warmth and humor that we used to have. Now, he is readying himself for camp and college and independence; I understand that but still, sometimes what he does or says sting. I am sure he will come back, at least that’s what other parents of older children have told me. I’m his mother, I will wait. New words entered our vocabulary last year, things like beer pong and prom, girlfriend, college, admissions and honor programs. Maybe there is still a little kid inside him also trying to deal with changes too. Maybe he doesn’t know how he’s acting or how different he seems. It’s a little rocky in the beginning when things change so dramatically but eventually we all learn to adjust to everything. The ability to adjust is what keeps people alive; we have no other option but to adapt.

I have pains in my chest; I feel weak and sad and  fragile and everything in my body hurts from Fibromyalgia and my heart hurts too. My body, is stiff and unyielding. I’m tired of being tired and I feel everything and nothing. Today, nothing trumps everything. There were many things that used to make me happy. More importantly, I used to make myself feel happy but I don’t anymore. Does the true essence of my self still exist if I can’t feel it?

7 thoughts on “Like We Used To

  1. My Friend and Twin, I so understand your pain about your son. Mine are 25 and 23, and they are both living at home again. For awhile you come to believe they don’t need you, but then you realize that you were the first one they called with good news…or bad news. My oldest was my Mama’s boy for the longest time. He became a firefighter and thought he was too cool to talk to his Mom about work. Then he realized that I worked for the police for 25+ years, and nothing he could tell me would shock me or gross me out. When my college man came home after five years, he thought he was all independant too. But, he comes up to my room and talks about his new job, how to handle the people, and plays his guitar for me asking my opinion on certain parts. Believe me, your son is going through a typical “going to college phase”. When he gets homesick you will be the first one he calls. I have been praying for my future daughters-in-laws for years now. Even though I don’t know who they will be, I pray that the right ones comes, and will treat my Sons good….and LOVE their Mother In Law!!
    Try not to feel so bad. Boys need their Moms more than they think. You aren’t losing him…he’ll be back with his stinky socks before you know it


  2. Oh Laurie. I so feel this pain. My son is 23 and we’ve always been soo very close…he was def a mommys boy growing up…but something changed a few years ago….and now something is broke…and I can’t figure out why or what to do. It’s scary having your kids grow up….leave you…at times making you feel forgotten. My dtr is 17 and we are still amazingly close and I will just die if she too drifts away from me emotionally someday. My whole life has been based on being a good mom…what happens to me after that word isn’t as important? My grandmother says that as long as a mom has instilled a deep bond of family into her children, that no matter how far the child may drift off … they will always come back to the family. Motherhood is so rewarding, yet so painful. We can do this Laurie…we can handle empty nest syndrome, fibro pain, all physical and emotional pain….we can handle it because we are strong. Beautiful picture on this blog Laurie…I love it. Today especially, the pic of a little boy tugs at my heart.


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