To Reach A Hidden Heart

heart

I’m a mom, a fifty-four year old, plump (not so pleasantly),  kind, giving person but I laugh too loud. Sometimes because I have only fifty percent hearing in my left ear, I also don’t always hear things perfectly. I wear old mom jeans, sneakers instead of  gold strappy sandals, or even unlaced Keds, because my feet hurt and ache constantly. I have plantar fasciatis and just walking in any shoes is uncomfortable.  I have Fibromyalgia, Hashimoto’s Thyroididtis and numerous other ailments. I’m old.

I don’t wear flirty skirts because (see above) it would just look plain silly. I can’t wear tight shirts (well, I could) but the stomach bulges would hang over my jeans. I used to have pierced ears but I think they closed so I don’t wear much jewelry anymore. Most importantly, I don’t wear make up from Sephora or MAC or Bobbi Brown. When I wear lipstick, which I do almost every day, I consider that enough. Should I be ashamed of these things, proud or just accept them? I’m okay with it but I have an almost seventeen year old daughter who most probably wishes, I was a cooler mom. A much cooler mom.

It’s not as if I stay in the kitchen and make home-made oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies because I don’t. I spend money at the supermarket and look at every single product, especially new ones.I bake brownies from a box (Ghiradelli) and the only thing I bake from scratch is an amazingly moist banana-raisin -chip loaf. My son adores it and appreciates it, my daughter won’t even try it because she hates any type of raisin and anything resembling a mushy banana. The only banana flavor she eats is mixed with strawberry in a pink container that has artificial  flavorings called yogurt. Sometimes, if my husband makes a smoothie (with ice and ice cream) she will drink it; when I make a smoothie it isn’t cold enough.

More importantly I wear my emotions like I would a soft new white scarf. Actually, you can see how I feel miles away. The worst offense, I’m mushy. My daughter is not. She keeps her feelings inside of her so even when I attempt to tone down my mushiness and delicately try to give her a compliment, she turns inwards. I wear my heart on my sleeve, you can see my emotions a mile or two away, my daughter keeps her feelings way deep inside her. I’m trying to connect with that but I’m not having much success. I know she loves me, I do know that and of course, I love her more than anything (read this kids: I love you both equally.)

When my daughter was very young, I was her world. She needed a lot of comforting and she could find that only in my arms, her tear-streaked face blanketing my neck like a worn-out washcloth. Now, she’s an amazing young woman, sure of herself, has a lot of friends, talks to me about them but her feelings are buried down deep. She is like my husband before my constant influence on him for the last 24 years. I want my daughter to know how much I love her, how proud I am of her, how I know she is incredibly intelligent and kind but I’m not sure I’m getting through. Yesterday, we spent the day together and I delicately told her how happy I was to spend time with her each week. I got this as a response: “ok.”

I feel frustrated but I guess my job as a mom is to make sure she knows I love her and that I will always be here to listen if she wants to talk. If I turn down my emotions any more I will be mute. The only thing I can do is wait and see what happens and accept her for who she is. I am happy that she talks to me about her friends, I am thrilled she is affectionate with her friends; I hope they can reach inside her wall and feel her beauty, her heart and her strength. I hope someday I will have the same privilege too.

5 thoughts on “To Reach A Hidden Heart

  1. Laurie,

    I think old mom jeans & lace-less sneakers are way cooler than strappy sandals.

    My daughter is just entering this stage – she’s 11 – I am still blessed with the occasional time when she’s just herself, just my girl, but more often, the process of growing up keeps me at arm’s length. But she’ll come back…I was the same with my Mom. She was so smart with it and never took it personally. I hope I am able to endure these years with the same grace & perseverance.

    I’ll always remember how yummy it was, snuggling an unhappy little kid who has melted into my arms, looking for comfort. I can still see that baby’s face sometimes when the tween is sleeping, just barely. But usually she looks like the young woman she is growing in to.

    -Jane

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  2. As I read your post, I felt like much of it could’ve been written by my own mother about me when I was a teenager. My mom and I didn’t really start becoming close again until I sometime in college (I think in my early 20s). I’m 26 now, and we’re very close friends. I’m so thankful for my mom, and I’m so glad that she endured the teenage years and continued to make sure I knew she would always love and be there for me.

    I still keep my emotions inside. My sister used to always say that I have a wall up and very few get inside. She also calls me an oyster… hard on the outside, but a beautiful pearl inside.

    You sound like such a wonderfully loving mother. Keep sharing your love and support with your children. Blessings.

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  3. Of course she loves and adores you! You’re a good mom. A great mom! There are some teens who don’t show their “mommy love” too much during those years they are finding out who they are and becoming independent…all normal…and usually between mothers and daughters for some reason…lol

    You are awesome letting her know you are always there and available for her when she is ready. In the mean time enjoy the moments she lets you have! lol…It’s really hard this world of parenting, isn’t it? I thought once I got them to youngadulthood the worry would be less…but alas, this is not the case….I’m still worrying, just about other things….

    You are an amazing woman and your kids are very proud of you, even if they don’t say so. We don’t hafta be cool to be good moms…we don’t need to dress like a Vogue model or wear over priced makeup….I know my kids have seen me at my very un coolest and they may laugh…but they still love me…just as yours do you!

    You have such a kind and giving heart….and Im sure you passed that on to your kids and they will carry on with that tradition thru out their lives I’m sure…so, just for being a wonderful caring person, you have made a special difference in the world because you have raised children with that same loving soul and they will continue to give it to the world and to their own future children!

    Love your blogs Laurie Lou….Tonight was a really bad night for me physically and emotionally…the pain was just sick…but I passed some time reading your awesome writing and could take my mind off it a bit….so you are giving when you don’t even know it!

    Luv ya Big Sis!
    Tammy

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  4. Laurie, Things will change. You will someday again be her best friend, her confidante and the smartest woman on earth. When she is older she will realize what you mean to her…right now she is too young to know. We become almost an embarrasment to our children at that age. No worries, you will be back up on that pedestal before you know it. Take my word for it!
    mo

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