My First Experience with Death

Heaven

Grief Lasts A Lifetime

When I was very young my best friend Claudine and I sat on the floor of my bedroom and played with my two turtles. Apparently I injured the turtle ACCIDENTALLY. I didn’t know it at the time because my father played doctor and I remember the turtle’s frail neck had been wrapped with white bandages. He smelled like the red, antiseptic medicine that my mom used on my skinned knees. I don’t remember being particularly upset over the sudden demise of the turtle but I do remember that my dad, who of course knew it was dead, pretended to nurse him back to health, for me.
That same loving man, my father, died ten years ago. He died New Year’s Eve 2001 an hour before my parents’ wedding anniversary on January 1st. I remember that horrible night in excruciating detail, I was sitting on my bed and the phone rang and it was my mother. “It’s over, it’s done” she said and I sobbed for what seemed forever and grieved for a very long time. I still miss my dad, I will always miss him. Sometimes I do get messages or signs from him and I believe in that. How do you recover from someone’s death? You don’t. Not ever. There will be a new world for you and it will be divided into before the death and after. You are now a member of a new club for adult children who have lost a parent and it’s not a club you ever wanted to join. You have no choice. Intense pain and grief get less frequent with time but there will always be moments, at least for me, when the pain feels fresh and raw. I was in Targets six weeks ago and I automatically turned into the Father’s Day card section. I remember I stood still and openly gasped. I had to hold on to my cart to steady myself. Only then did I stop and remember I had no one to send it to. I didn’t have a dad who was alive anymore in the physical world. Tears filled my eyes and I left the store quickly; my eyes were so blurry it was hard to see.

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2 thoughts on “My First Experience with Death

  1. I am in a weepy mood to begin with….and then I read this. Damn you Twin!

    I did not have a good relationship with my Father, none of kids did as we got older. I did not weep when he died. I told my Mother that I was sorry that her life had not been what she wished for as a young girl. There was no wake, no funeral and he was buried with 19 hours of his death. That’s what he said he wanted. No one would have gone to a service anyway.

    I had a close sisterly-like friendship with my Mom. I know I will never get over her dying. She does send me little signs almost every day.

    I’m glad you have good memories of your Dad….I wish I did.

    Funny thing…when I went for a reading a while ago, he was the one that did all the talking. I thought it was hilarious.

    Your twin

    Like

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