Old Pain Anew

Pregnancy and blood

Image by ec-jpr via Flickr

Many moons ago

They told me that I probably would never conceive babies.

I was lost inside myself with pain and grief, tears dripped down me like a steady rainfall.

I suffered emotionally and physically, drugs, blood drawn, nightly injections plunged

in to my thigh from my husband.

The pain took over me, possessed me with the sole, solitary routine of sadness and grief.

They told me I couldn’t have babies, that I was barren.

I listened to them every bright sunny day until every dark dismal night for two and a half years.

Those stupid fool nurses and doctors who clucked their heads at my chances were wrong.

When I got pregnant it was the happiest time in my life, I burst with blossoms.

I loved being a glowing pregnant woman sharing a secret with her unborn child

my hand rubbing my tummy lightly in soft circles.

My children were born twenty-one months apart, now 17 and almost 19.

I gave birth to each of them, a blessing, a gift, two presents from G-d.

The years pass too quickly, like a frenzied movie at the wrong speed.

I miss the emotional softness from young children

kisses soft as goose down, sloppy hugs, wet kisses and shiny faces like lit pumpkins.

My son is leaving for college in three weeks

I  realized this pain is very familiar, it is the feeling of loss.

It hurts but I am older now however,

the past, as I know it, is gone forever.

Time moves at a rapid pace robbing us of memories.

They are leaving me, and not turning back to wave good-bye,

I know that they will return but it is a new stage, a turned chapter, a new course.

It is a big change and one that we all may love but tonight, in this instant,

I feel barren, all over again.

5 thoughts on “Old Pain Anew

  1. I’ll tell you……..children leaving is tough. Danielle and Mattie (my daughter and son-in-law) have their own lives and mine seems very empty. I have to get a life and it’s tough to find out what I need to do. You do feel barren but I’m hoping it will pass quickly!


  2. I know when my now 23 year old son left for Marine bootcamp when he was 18 I held it together til he walked out the door…where I knew I wouldn’t see him even once for 3 long, torturous months…once he was out, I fell to the floor sobbing…I mean gut wrenching sobs! It felt as if he had just died! I couldn’t stop the tears and wails of sadness for hours. Finally I did. I was sick with grief the whole time he was gone…I lived for every letter. Now he’s 23, has a home of his own, is very capable and independent. My daughter is a senior this year…but she has some learning problems, and won’t be leaving for a college…with hope and hard work she will graduate with her class this year, then her goal is to go to cosmetology school. So she won’t be leaving me anytime soon, I dont think. She’s not ready to be completely independent yet. When she finally is, I will probably feel sad and empty for awhile…but then I will grow used to it, as we all learn to. Then will be thrilled with grandchildren when the time is right! Parenting is hard…but wonderful…but agonizing…but joyful.

    By the way Laurie…that picture for this blog? Looks like my profile today! Big ole pregnant belly look…lol. Oh and Mo…I’m gonna look for that book! Thanks!


  3. We need to have coffee! I must remind you of what a wonderful job you have done with your children. Not all children leave the nest. Those who do, do so because they have been instilled with confidence and self belief. You must consider Tim’s decision to go away to school as a success story. You must continually remind him of how
    proud you are that he has reached this time in his life where he is ready to face new challenges slightly far from home. Do you know the children’s story book The Kissing Hand? Please get a copy and give it to Tim before he leaves for school. When my Allie left for college last year, I wrote my heartfelt words in this book and cried as I did so. She loved the gift, brought it with her when she left, and alwsys had a kissing hand when she was lonely. Let me know what you think. Maureen


  4. Sorry you’re feeling sad. Can’t say as I know how you feel in terms of kids leaving home, but I understand sadness. I’m sure all the mothers who read this will know better what to say!
    Just think, you’ll have little ones again when you have grandchildren! There will be the tinyness, the newness, the gurgles and the smiles. Thinking of those images might help.


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