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It was just a split second but while I was driving, I totally wanted to pull a “Thelma and Louise.” Not out of excitement or adventure but out of despair. It really only takes that long to off yourself and the passenger beside you. The conscious part of me was saying “no” but the other part of me was just saying “what the hell?” I wanted to end the misery in my life and let go but I didn’t.
I am at an all time low so anything after this should theoretically get better. But, there is no guarantee; we could keep going down to a depth we had no idea existed. It still wasn’t an excuse to swing wide on a dark highway at night, put my foot down, accelerate and disappear. That’s not the way to go, to give up, to not fight the good fight to be alive when so many others are dying. You deserve to have a life, a happy one.
During that long stretch on the black highway I keep my brights on to keep going. Continuing to drive was automatic, I followed the white lines of the curves ahead slowly and steadily. When two cars came in front of me I was grateful. I never liked driving at night, I have no choice now. I don’t have a choice in a lot of things but that is still much better than some. After arriving back to where we are staying temporarily, I pulled my dog close to me and nuzzled into her neck. Her black and white paws, with tan freckles, reached my shoulders and she hugged me, she knew.
I washed some blueberries that I bought at the store today, fresh blueberries, with the varying shades of bluebirds. Other than fruit cups in fake silver bowls in diners, I hadn’t had fresh fruit in a long time. I put them on the middle of the bed, on the white blanket, and liked the contrast. I fed a few to my dog who chewed them with utter joy.
I followed the noise to loud music and saw there was a wedding. I saw the bride, dressed in white with silver trim posing for pictures with her sisters and mother. I wasn’t jealous since I had been a bride too many years ago but I was definitely envious. She was young and this was the start of her life; she looked so happy and everyone around her was giggling and shrieking in high pitch voices. Seeing a bride, my parents used to tell me, “brings good luck” so I lingered and watched from behind a corner.
Everyone is allowed a dark day once in a while. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t experience them. We all need to cling to the hope that tomorrow or the next day WILL be better. Suicide is not the answer. Hold on, hold on tight, cling to your own precious life. On this National Suicide Day, take it from me. DON’T DO IT. If you need help, call somebody, anybody, the Suicide Prevention Center or a really good friend and pray for strength to hold on. Promise me, you will hold on tight.
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