Dancing with my soul
To most, I am cheerful smiles
You see through my fears
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I see your Spirit
Hovering behind curtains
Only I know Truth
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I’ve had it. I have said it jokingly before but now I mean it. I’m disgusted with everything and every person. There are a few exceptions like my kids (especially the one away at college) and my dog. My dog is exempt ALL of the time, my husband? Not so much. Today, he could not make a rational, DECISIVE decision and he flip-flopped like a newly caught fish. He changed his mind twelve times in under two minutes, a record. Sometimes a girl/woman/wife/mother/person just has to say “what the eff?” Here’s to you, my hero, Ferris Bueller.
I’m also feeling the teeny tiniest bit of crazy and it’s all coming out on paper, now. After the anger came out I felt scared and stuck, trapped and hopeless, also hungry. This has been going on way too long, three months too long.
Today did not start with a resounding, positive spin. We woke up to snow, yes SNOW. Heavy, dreadful, snow that started in the morning and will continue until the wee hours of tomorrow morning. It’s OCTOBER people, October. You know, the time of year where we gasp from the brilliant artistry of the naturally changing leaves, bright streaks of red, amber, different shades of green, all colors holding hands, clasping each other, on one fiery tree. It’s beautiful, well, it was beginning to get beautiful… In past years it was a slow and steady sign of seasons changing, temperatures starting to decline not a nor’easter punching us in the face coming out of nowhere.
To those who say I shouldn’t be cranky, I say “Tough.” I am cranky, I deserve to be cranky and I have every right to feel cranky.” I know there are worse things in the world and indeed I am incredibly grateful that we are not suffering from life threatening illnesses but I swear, my mind is going, going, soon to be gone. Yes, maybe tomorrow I will breathe as deeply as I possibly can and I will repeat the mantra of safety but today, I am not doing it. I don’t WANT to be calm today. I’m sorry what? Yes, I said it: No interest in being calm today.” THE FRIGGIN SNOW OF OCTOBER 29th 2011 put an end to that.
I have lasted an entire paragraph without mentioning my old, destructive and defective house but trust me I’m so there now. The little house from hell with termites, carpenter ants, rotten and decayed wood, that had electrical problems now has heating problems too. So, my genius husband (sorry hubby, it’s been a really bad day) decides (without consulting me, of course) that he would leave two portable heaters on over night, plugged in, “on low,” when nobody was home. That is all kinds of wrong; I just couldn’t take it. Thank goodness for my sister who rightfully said: “this is from the man who insists that I, as a grown woman, put on my seat belt when I sit in the back of the car?” Yes, Sis, the same person. I asked him to ask a neighbor, one of several we could ask to please unplug the fire hazards but no, he didn’t want to do that. So, now he is on his way back in the snow to turn them off himself. What IS IT about men and asking favors? I don’t get it. Smokey the Bear, on behalf of my husband, I apologize. Deeply.
Peeps, you don’t need to bother to read this post if you don’t want to because I am VENTING and sometimes venting is useful because my chest has become less painful and I am breathing evenly. Sometimes it is more than okay to say “I’m furious” instead of meditating your anger away. I’m CRANKY, I’ve lived with this stress, tension and emotional and financial ruin for three months now, cramped in one tiny hotel room. I have every right to vent and I am glad I did. So there.
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Cozy, Fun, GREAT FOOD
My restaurant would be called EATS, in big, bold black letters. It would represent the type of restaurant I want to own: Simple, tasty and delicious meals in both small size portions and large portions, even half size portions, all through the day and evening. Diners would be able to mix and match and not have to order a huge portion and then leave leftovers that could feed a family of four for a week. I don’t like being served huge mountains of food; you would get exactly what you want: a filling meal but not a mountain of food. I get turned off when I get served a pasta dish that is so large it is overwhelming, it looks unappetizing and it is wasteful. All untouched leftover food would be connected with local food banks, that would be my personal commitment.
I would have breakfast, lunch and dinner items available all the time. It would be like a diner in terms of menu items and variety but not in terms of style. I want EATS to be cozy and playful; nobody would rush you and I can guarantee you, the food would be fresh and the coffee would be strong. There would always be an ornamental item on every table, sometimes a few twigs in a small silver vase, another time yellow rubber ducklings or miniature pink bud roses, or replicas of small, smiling cows. It would be casual, fun, delicious: combination sandwiches (I’m drooling) and of course, a huge selection, of home made desserts. Desserts are important to me so there would be home-made chocolate cake with fudge icing, vanilla coconut cake (I’m a vanilla girl) apple/cherry/blueberry crisp, baklava (oh, honey!!!) and rice pudding with raisins. Carrot cake and cheese cake with various toppings would be available too. Stop in, it’s almost open….well, in my dreams, that is. Giada, Paula, Bobby, Chef Ramsey (you are too intimidating for me to call you by your first name) The Donald, Warren Buffet (what a blessing you are to the universe, Sir), Oprah, Rosie….anyone interested in INVESTING?? Please contact me. I guarantee you a great meal. On the house.
Not For Me
Disney Jeu D’atout Ducale- Bambi
I HATE scary movies or basically anything scary at all. I don’t watch scary movies and I certainly don’t pay money to be terrified and pee my pants. There’s nothing thrilling about it for me. I feel the same way about roller coasters although I have been coerced to try them. Not anymore. The only thrill I get from going on a roller coaster or potentially watching a scary movie is when it is over and I can jump out of my seat and get the heck out of there. The only scary movie I can count (and depressing too) is Bambi. I don’t think that it’s child-appropriate. Poor Bambi’s mother, I can still hear the gun shot blast in my head. Give me Mary Poppins any day!!
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It’s two days before my son’s 19th birthday and for the first year ever, he’s not with me, his mom and his family. It’s his first year of college and he is having an incredible time; I couldn’t be happier. But, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss him today and that the thought of him made me cry with selfish sadness. I feel sentimental about my boy, now a fine young man, and I have to get used to the fact that he will be spending his birthdays partying with his friends for many years to come. I know his family is still important but we are in the background now and one day in the future he will celebrate his birthday with his own family.
He is perfectly fine spending his birthday away from his family, it’s just me feeling a little blue. Can you blame me? Wasn’t it just yesterday that I shopped for Thomas the Tank Engine? Or even the horrible fighting games for X Box 360 that we reluctantly bought him when he was older?
I know he still remembers his favorite surprise “Batman” party when he was four when his cousin and his aunt flew up for the party; that was an event he will always remember. Our daughter, his little sister, was terrified of “Batman” and clung to our mother’s helper, Erin, for dear life. He went from “Batman” to beer in a hurry, it seems. I guess I haven’t completely caught up.
Of course I sent him a birthday box last week with sweet treats and a card with a check but I just feel something is missing. That something is him. Right about now I would have been wrapping packages and scurrying to find the special cards that I bought and saved. We would put his presents on the “birthday table” and wait for him to wake up and find them. The whole family would always crowd around the birthday girl or boy, mom and dad. It was always a lot like Christmas every year. Birthdays are really big in our house. Huge.
So on Thursday, I will be wishing my first-born a happy birthday over the phone; I’m scared to “skype” with him because I think I will cry. No matter what, even if I say one word, he will know my infamous “shaky voice” and I don’t want to share that with him on his birthday, his special day. That’s just the type of kid he is, he picks up other people’s feelings in a second, picks up on the same emotional radar that I have. I love you for being a great kid and a wonderful young man. I’m happy and proud to call you my son.
Happy Birthday
Love Always, Mom
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Even when I need a time out from my teenagers or husband or just some alone time, I take the car keys, hop into my car and go. However, there’s no real mystery involved. Everyone in my family knows that if I need to get away, I will end up at Target. I have no true hiding place, they assume that I will be there and they are absolutely right. What is it about Target that makes me feel so good?
I can disappear in many different aisles, I can look at every toothpaste and deodorant that one can buy and there are hundreds of choices. I can look for inexpensive clothing or books, art supplies or Halloween candy. I can pretend I have a five-year old and look at stuffed animals even though I am always tempted to buy one for myself. I can buy trash magazines or just read them while I am waiting on-line. I can even have a cup of Starbucks coffee. Who could ask for more than that? In our Target store there is a Starbucks mini-store; I’m not convinced that the coffee is just as strong as the original Starbucks but it is reassuring to me that it’s there and available. At Starbucks I can also get my latest passion which is the Pumpkin Spice (skim) Latte, limited edition of course.
When I walk through the aisles I see things that I can’t imagine I have lived without before. The new Swifter combo package? A must have. Shampoo and conditioner as a value pack? We all need to wash our hair and it MUST be less costly if they are packaged together! I buy birthday cards in advance and usually misplace them right before a birthday card is needed so I go back and buy some more.
I disappear in the arts and craft section buying pens and sketch notepads. I love pens and flashlights and Raisinettes. There are some things you need to keep with you in case of an emergency. Rasinettes are my safety item.
While I may not be able to hide from my family, it’s still fun to be away and close enough just in case they need me.
Image by Pierre-Olivier via Flickr
I am currently reading The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach. Love it.
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“We Are So Done”
Taken straight out of Grey’s Anatomy from Meredith Grey herself: “Seriously?” Unfortunately I can’t stop using it. “That is true.” “Word.” Also, “Are you kidding me?” “Nah” ” “It’s just not happening” and finally: “It is what it is.” “Lol” “TTFN” (Ta Ta For Now!)
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‘MAKE YOURSELF SOME FUN’
I need more fun in my life, scratch that, I need FUN in my life and I really don’t have too much. Of course it’s unusual to live and be stuck in a hotel room with your husband, teenage daughter and shelter dog for eight weeks but that could not be helped. (Well it probably could have but that’s a whole other topic and I’m not going there.) No way, no how. Done.
So it is up to me to find some fun or make some on my own. You can’t count on others and while I feel pretty pleased with myself most of the time I am not a fun maker. I’m working on it:
Today, I finally bought some sketch paper and pens and will probably have a doodle fest. I plan to take my notebook with me (and sorry iPhone users) while I have the phone and it is amazing, I just don’t leave it on. It will be great to always have a pad of paper and an array of pens to play with.
What else?
We don’t have a bathtub where we are staying just a handicapped accessible bathroom with shower for my poor husband’s busted Achilles tendon…but as soon as we are able to move back home, I’m buying some bubbles, going to listen to some music and sing out loud, happily. Oh, to take a bath again! Fun.
I’m going to start seeing more movies on my own because movies make me very happy and I like going to a movie by myself on a Sunday afternoon when you don’t have to pay for parking.
Next week one of my best friends and I will have lunch together, we missed this week because her kids are home from college, and I can’t wait to hear her stories! We always laugh together and I treasure her friendship.
I am going to buy some pomegranate seeds tomorrow and treat myself to a frozen yogurt, unflavored, sweet and tart at the same time, like a frozen version of a delicious Indian drink, a lassi. I’m drooling with anticipation. I’m going to make a donation to the ASPCA because I haven’t been able to give money for a very long time but it bothers me and even giving a little means a lot. My animal-loving daughter and I will be donating together.
The last thing I plan to do is to find some pretty pink cotton candy and delight in its texture melting on my tongue leaving sugar sprinkles that make me giggle with happiness. I can’t wait.
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Last week they wrote about what they have never done…this week write a list of 22 things you HAVE done. (inspired by Sellabit Mom) From Mama’s Losin’ It:
1) I saved the lives of baby bunnies by rescuing them from underneath the grass, brought them to the vet and they LIVED! I’m a bunny whisperer.
2) I have two great children (teenagers) whom I love, like and respect. (This is not to say they don’t drive me crazy sometimes)
3) I adopted a puppy from a shelter and it was one of the best decisions of my life; she’s nine years old now and her name is Callie.
4) I’ve been married to a great guy for the last 23 years. *Note: we DON’T live in Hollywood.
5) I’ve traveled to Holland, Spain, Aruba, Greece, Israel, Portugal…etc.
6) I didn’t get mad or annoyed at my husband at all when he was pick pocketed in Barcelona, Spain because he forgot to put his wallet in the “safe” pocket.
7) I finished a twenty-two mile (walking) marathon and earned money for charity, Walk For Hunger.
8) I’ve read many, many books and love reading. I support my library and was a Border’s addict. Damn, I hate that you are gone.
9) I threw up in first or second grade right before a play, didn’t tell anyone, cleaned myself up and went out on stage. “The show must go on.”
10) I gave my sister a 39th SURPRISE birthday party and let me tell you, she WAS surprised! (she wore a Mickey Mouse T-shirt to my house.)
11) I forced my father, 18 years ago to let me take him to the Emergency Room on Father’s Day; it turned out he needed a quadruple by-pass operation and he lived for many years afterwards, I, quite possibly, saved his life.
12) When my son was 4, I surprised him with a Batman birthday party, with “Batman” himself appearing. Best party EVER.
13) I worked at a major motion film company and we got to see free movies.
14) I murdered a goldfish by overfeeding him and I still feel guilty, Frank, I’m so sorry. RIP
15) I made memory books for my son, daughter, niece and nephew when they were 13 years old, using old photographs and collage and I made one for my father-in-law for his 80th birthday. A lot of work; a lot of love. Great outcome; love doing it.
16) I swiped a small tube of Elmer’s Glue when I was 6, mom marched me back into the store to apologize and pay. Ouch.
17) I saw Diana Ross in the elevator.
18) I bake the best banana raisin/chocolate chip bread in the universe. Ask anyone.
19) I once pooped my pants (as a grown-up) when I was very, very sick. I’m sure my children will be so proud.
20) I covered a shift as a favor to a friend and I met John Travolta, he smiled at me, it was about 30 years ago (do you think he still remembers me?! I guess not.)
21) I put grape jelly on pizza (and yes, eat it)
22) I have played the song “Someone Like You” by Adele at least 100 times.
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