Home Is…

Wood damage by C. herculeanus

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Home? What Home?

Home means nothing to me now; it hasn’t meant anything for the last SEVEN weeks and it won’t feel like anything for at least four – six more weeks. A simple kitchen renovation (that we saved up for) became a nightmare financially, physically and emotionally. Our contractor found  hidden damage and rotten wood…IN …EVERY….ROOM. Nothing was spared from carpenter ants and termites; rotting wood took the place of our souls in that house. We live in a one room small hotel now, three of us and our dog. In some ways, this feels more like my home to me now that my actual tiny house in the suburbs.

Once our old house is rebuilt I still won’t feel at home, I know. Because of all the renovations and rebuilding, there is dust and wood shavings and dirt everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Even after an industrial cleaner comes in to rid the place of toxic chemicals, it won’t feel like home because nothing is where it is supposed to be. We have mountains of boxes and plastic crates piled mile high and every scrap of writing paper, toothpaste and shampoo, olive oil and jars of tomato sauce, books, shoes, cutlery…..everything you can imagine is put away….somewhere. I don’t have the joy of moving back in because moving back in leads to three more months of cleaning, putting things away and organizing.

I went into our house today and realized something; the only thing that is worse than not living in your house IS visiting your OLD one, with black tar paper all over it, windows being realigned, dust, dirt and SAWDUST everywhere. Nothing is familiar, nothing feels like or smells like home. I have no home; I really just want to cry.

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12 thoughts on “Home Is…

  1. ((( big hugs to you ))). When you get in just remember “baby steps” do accomplish alot! I’ve tried to pace myself now that I’m doing a little better. Have you ever read the Fly Lady’s book? I want to send to you. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I see if any of my “flybaby” friends want to work together (we call them “challenges”). We announce what we want to work on, set our timers for 15 minutes & say readysetgo! The goal is NOT perfection, its just being productive & focused for 15 minutes. Then meet up and share what we accomplised (focus on the TADA, not the “to do”), cheer each other on & chat for 15 then go again. When you are flared one or 2 challenge is enough. If you want we can meet at regular time to do a few and catch up. It makes cleaning/chores/decluttering fun and you WILL see progress!- love you


  2. PS: Tammy: sorry that you’re health and medical bills are such a wreck. Hope that things turn around for you and the bills stop piling up! I know the feeling of debt as a worry hanging over you. If I win the lottery, I want to start a foundation that will give or loan (without interest) money to folks in your situation.


    • oops…meant to say thank u phylor! starting a foundation like that would be an amazing thing for someone to do! i would love to be able to do that someday…there are so many in my boat…broke, ill…no money or valuables…no way to make money due to illness, no rich relatives…yet making too much to get government help…so the medical bills just keep piling up…soon to fall like an avalanch I guess…I can’t think on it too long, or i get too dang depressed. If I was rich, you can bet I would be helping those less fortunate for sure…that would be amazing. xo


  3. when the construction site becomes a house again (will take a while, no doubt, to feel like a home), maybe I could come out and give you a hand. I can sleep on the couch, and as long as I have a cup of good strong coffee in the morning, I can be quite pleasant.
    As long as public transit could get me there, maybe I can be of some help.


    • I too would try to find a way to come out and help you get your stuff put back in order! A bunch of us chronics can have a slumber party and get you situated in your new “diggs”…..lol. I wish we could win a lottery and share it amongst all of us…we could pay our bills and then take a vacation all together! Sit around in the sun sipping yummy drinks and whine about our various aches and pains! hahaha…hafta laugh don’t we? laugh and dream…otherwise, what’s the point? xoxo


  4. No wonder you have been in pain!
    That’s a huge thing to be going through!

    Remember to take care of you during this struggle.

    I feel certain, you will make where you are home, And your house will feel like home again.

    I know this had to be a huge financial under taking that you didn’t plan for.

    Good luck
    from your new best friend. : )


  5. There are no words to describe how sorry I am for what you’re family is having to go thru over this house mess Laurie. It is just awful. I know when we lost our dream home when Jim lost his job and I was very ill and we had no idea where we would live, I was just devastated, then we ended up here, renting his childhood home…which has never felt like home to me…even after we “bought” this old place and have lived here a couple years, it still doesn’t feel like home.

    I also remember when my uncles house almost burned down…about half of it was ruined and they had to live in a motel for three months while it was fixed, they wouldn’t say so, but I knew it was really rough for them.

    It seems as though for some of us, life is just one challenge after another…one test of some sort after another. I just opened up what will be the start of an onlslaught of new medical bills today…it’s ugly. We already owe like ten thousand on the credit card…mostly old medical bills…now I will be adding atleast that much on top of it. And for nothing. That week in the hosptial did nothing for me…yet I now must pay with what? My soul? Cuz we have no money. I have nothing anymore. Atleast thats what my mind tells me somedays…and then I remember, I do have one thing…my family and friends. As long as I have them I can get thru anything I hope.

    You will make it thru this crisis Laurie. I know you will. It sucks and its not fair and you have all the rights to scream at the skies. Hang on though. It will get better, I know it will.


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