Haiku Heights – Sponge

Kiss

Image by Jeremy Vandel via Flickr

Sun Drenched

Image by Digimist via Flickr

I stretch for the sun

Soaking up the last remnants

Of light before dark

***********************************************************

Enter in my heart

Soft, seductive song at play

Let me remember

***********************************************************

What Makes Me Nervous

Biting one's lip can be a physical manifestati...

Image via Wikipedia

Jasmine tea

Image via Wikipedia

nervous

I go through periods of time when I could say “what doesn’t make me nervous?” Luckily those episodes don’t happen too often. I was also a nervous child, fearful and anxious. I was born premature and spent six weeks in the hospital without my parents; sometimes I wonder if that was a factor in my anxiety. I know sleep deprivation is definitely a reason that adds to my anxiety and unease so I try to get a good night’s sleep. During these brief albeit intense phases I: obsess about health and safety issues for myself, my family, my dog, basically those I love. I worry about mammograms for myself and every family member and friend that I love. Sometimes I worry about heart disease because my father had some heart problems. As you can see, when I worry, I worry about health issues and life threatening diseases.

I have Fibromyalgia and an auto-immune disease of my thyroid but I don’t worry about what I have, I worry about what I could get in the future. I do tend to worry in advance “What if this happens?…” A very old friend once gave me her advice: “Don’t meet trouble half-way.” Alas, sometimes I can’t stop it. I will ruminate about a certain subject. For that, there is medication that my doctor prescribed, used cautiously and only when I am in a very bad state; I am not at all ashamed of that, many people have this disorder and I don’t think you need to suffer in silence the way I did. The medication doesn’t knock me out at all, it just takes away the rough edges, like a camera blurry and fuzzy. The medication acts like a focusing mechanism, making things not as traumatic as they seemed, the sense of urgency gone. I am once again, in focus. It takes the edge off and I can feel my breathing change when it begins to work.

Sometimes, at the very start of feeling anxious, doing deep breathing exercises helps. I say I want to meditate but I have said that for years and haven’t done it yet; I’m not sure why. In addition and as often as possible, I list, in my mind, all that I am grateful for in this world. That, with a warm cup of jasmine tea, kissing and holding my dog, listening to music I love and singing out loud are other things that help me.

Powered by Plinky

My End of Day Routine

Flashdance

Image via Wikipedia

I haven’t worked full-time in a long, long time but the first thing I would do, without variation, is to change my clothes. Off came the Laura Ashley  flowery dress with the shiny, black pumps or the sky-colored blue suit; on came jeans, a loose shirt, and clogs. Never being the real corporate type, the clothes I had to wear to work were my corporate persona. My real persona danced around my studio apartment to music, like “Flashdance” when I got home. I may not have looked like Jennifer Beals but I felt like I was her in my comfortable clothing, singing out loud to music, arms swinging, heels hopping. The inexplicable feeling of freedom as your entire body sighs in relief and the automatic happiness that a young, independent woman feels in her own space. Enchanting.

Powered by Plinky

Living in Other Countries

A 4 x 1 segment panorama of the Toledo Skyline...

Image via Wikipedia

Invite Us, Please.

If the opportunity presented itself to my husband and I we would definitely go. Where? England, Italy, Spain, The Netherlands….etc. we are really open. I always thought it would be wonderful to live in another country for a year. Maybe two….

Powered by Plinky

Why Lindsey Lohan Isn’t In Jail NOW….

My files (found the original; it's not much be...

Image via Wikipedia

This mugshot is found from http://www.perezhil...

Image via Wikipedia

The explanation? Double standards.

I should not even be wasting my time to post another article about Lindsey Lohan, but, I can’t help myself. She has such a sense of ENTITLEMENT and no wonder, everyone seems to handle her with kid gloves. Judge? Lawyers? LA County? I’m sorry, (heavy sarcasm) she missed the first day of her volunteer commitment in the morgue. Oh, she was just late , well of course, let’s give her another chance. NO. They should have thrown her Versace backside into the slammer right then and there. Done. Over. No more chances.

Give us, the real population, a break. She is a washed-up child star who is begging for attention by her behavior. Fail a drug test? Maybe she ate a bagel with poppy seeds by mistake. Oops. If you or I, or any member of the general public had failed probation once we would be in deep doody. Lindsey? Nah, let’s give her one more chance….and another one…why? Because she is/was a celebrity.

If she wasn’t a “celebrity” would she have gotten all these second, third, twenty chances? NO, if a regular person, with a real job had screwed up this many times, they would have been in lock down years ago. Did you know she ordered cupcakes and burgers to the staff and volunteers at the morgue as an apology for being late yesterday? Yes she did and OH NO SHE DIDN’T! Apparently the cupcakes were not accepted (not sure about the burgers.)

Does this not show everyone (hello Judge?) that she still doesn’t get it?

With all the times she failed probation, drank when she shouldn’t have, failed sobriety tests. California? What?  You didn’t learn from the OJ Simpson trial?  Apparently not. It seems like all you have to be in California, is a celebrity, preferably a rich one.

Let her keep on getting away with things, and then start planning her funeral.

Travel Lessons Learned the Hard Way

Airline Food

Wear clogs, not sneakers (in case you have to go through security) dress in layers (airplanes are usually too hot or cold) travel as lightly as you can (I have NOT learned this YET but I am working on it) and most importantly, ALWAYS BRING A LOT OF FOOD. We used to bring elaborate home-made sandwiches and snacks, beverages and dessert to keep us happy but that rule changed too. I usually am a snob about airline food especially after I got food poisoning after a meal in the sky. So, Adapt: Buy food after security, a lot of it and of course, buy chocolate. A lot of chocolate. Take Dramamine and keep it in a very handy location. Just sayin……..

Powered by Plinky

Top Albums I Listened to While Growing Up

We Listen To The Same Music Now…

Sexy Boys

I started listening to my older sister’s music: The Mama’s and the Papa’s and Chad and Jeremy (does anyone else remember them?) When I was in high school I listened to John Denver, James Taylor, Simon and Garfunkel, Carole King, Carly Simon and Cat Stevens. I still listen to all of them with the exception of Chad and Jeremy, but I am going to listen to them now, because whatever was old can still be new. Enjoy.

Powered by Plinky

Dedicated to my sister, Emma

Losing Touch with Old Friends

Friends

Image by carlosluz via Flickr

To Me, A Friend Is A Friend.

I am the type of person that WANTS TO KEEP in touch with old friends but I have been hurt by others who think geography and proximity are the only reasons to maintain a friendship. I had a “friend” named “Becky” when our children were two years old and best friends. Our family decided to move to be closer to my aging parents and our good friendship withered away, no, actually it slammed shut. When I asked her what happened, because we had been so close, she told me face to face that the reason she didn’t keep in touch with me was “You know, out of sight, out of mind.” I was crushed at the time, but this was fifteen years ago.

I also remember my three year old daughter wanting to talk to your daughter and when I called for her you told me that “Little Ruthie” as we called her, was watching television and did not want to come to the phone. Wow. If that had been my daughter I would have taught her not to be rude and to come to the phone and say hello and then go back to television watching. It’s called manners. Like mother, like daughter??!! You can hurt me all you want, I can take it even though I don’t like it….but hurt my child? Unforgivable.

I have realized since then that many people are like that and I have even prepared myself for it. I wish I was one of those people who could drop a friend at the mere mention of a move, it hurts less to be like that. But, no, I am still the one trying to keep up a friendship, even if you don’t speak often, for the friendship that was; I think there is merit in that. As I get older though, my expectations have been greatly lowered and while it is not my style, I do understand that many people act this way. I’m just trying not to be one of them.

Powered by Plinky

Home Is…

Wood damage by C. herculeanus

Image via Wikipedia

Home? What Home?

Home means nothing to me now; it hasn’t meant anything for the last SEVEN weeks and it won’t feel like anything for at least four – six more weeks. A simple kitchen renovation (that we saved up for) became a nightmare financially, physically and emotionally. Our contractor found  hidden damage and rotten wood…IN …EVERY….ROOM. Nothing was spared from carpenter ants and termites; rotting wood took the place of our souls in that house. We live in a one room small hotel now, three of us and our dog. In some ways, this feels more like my home to me now that my actual tiny house in the suburbs.

Once our old house is rebuilt I still won’t feel at home, I know. Because of all the renovations and rebuilding, there is dust and wood shavings and dirt everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Even after an industrial cleaner comes in to rid the place of toxic chemicals, it won’t feel like home because nothing is where it is supposed to be. We have mountains of boxes and plastic crates piled mile high and every scrap of writing paper, toothpaste and shampoo, olive oil and jars of tomato sauce, books, shoes, cutlery…..everything you can imagine is put away….somewhere. I don’t have the joy of moving back in because moving back in leads to three more months of cleaning, putting things away and organizing.

I went into our house today and realized something; the only thing that is worse than not living in your house IS visiting your OLD one, with black tar paper all over it, windows being realigned, dust, dirt and SAWDUST everywhere. Nothing is familiar, nothing feels like or smells like home. I have no home; I really just want to cry.

Powered by Plinky

The Separation Between Pain And Pain

snake

Pain woke me up from a deep sleep, as if someone was crossly shaking me awake. It started in the middle of the night, doesn’t it always? I felt sharp, stabbing pain that started behind my ears and shot down to my jaw line like bursts of fireworks you want to watch but not feel. I  moaned out loud; the pain was unbearably familiar but I hadn’t had it in a long time. Labor pains, during childbirth, at least give you a couple of moments rest in between contractions and a beautiful new baby as an award but this did not. I would try to sleep for a minute or two and be awakened by searing pain, inside my head, like a steak being branded on an open fire. TMJ had come back with a vengeance.

I have noticed that my Fibromyalgia symptoms, soreness of legs, feet, joints, muscles, pain everywhere on my body, have been at an all time high. I wonder if it has anything to do with the weather changing since it started so suddenly, or all the stress building up in the last three months or is it just random torture? Maybe it’s all of them, together. I can take medicine for the pain but we all know it just doesn’t help. Nothing does.

I know it doesn’t seem to make sense but I don’t have the energy to take a train to see my Rheumatologist, I’m sorry, I’m just too tired. Patients with other type of  illnesses may not be able to relate to this but chronic pain patients understand. They understand all too well about Fibromyalgia Flare-Ups. “What’s a Flare-UP” you ask? Ah, obviously you don’t have Fibromyalgia and I am jealous of you now. I understand though, it happens all the time. I would not be a good Fibromyalgia Ambassador right now because I tell the truth. Physical and emotional pain are closely connected, they join together like two vapid snakes curled around each other. You can’t have one without the other. Pain is here to stay, it never goes away for long, it comes back like the univited guest that crashes a party with drunken rowdiness. Pain is here to stay; wrap your mind around that.