Going Crazy Fast

Crazy Gia
I want to drop, like a rag doll, on the wet-soaked grass, kick my arms and legs, up and down and scream. Holler. Curse. I want to have a tantrum worthy of an overtired three-year old child that has had too much sugar and not enough sleep and way too many unanswered demands. No inhibitions and no one, not even “The Nanny” could try to calm me down because I can’t be talked down today, no, not today.

Things are closing in on me and I’m having a meltdown and I feel like I’m going crazy. It started as soon as I woke up way too early this morning. My seventeen year old daughter slept her day off from school while I walked the dog, purchased my cherished coffee from Starbucks and tried to absorb Vitamin D, my head pointed towards the sun on an old, run down wooden bench. The world seemed tilted left, all too much to one side, off-balance, like a triangle gone awry, unsteady.

There are those days, now far too common, when the whole day and night feel off. This evening I had a scare, in front of my dog, when she was scratching herself viciously and I felt a lump in her fur and then I couldn’t find it again. How could I not find it again? I kept looking but I didn’t feel it or see it and she looked at me with those melting, trusting brown eyes. I was ashamed I couldn’t find it again and worried so I cried a little, gave her a cookie, nuzzled her neck and she was happy. I felt only a bit better but still not quite right. I’m worried about her so I will calm down and take her to the vet next week so he can calmly examine her.

My feelings scared me tonight.  I brought home a piece of shiny, honey drenched baklava from the diner so I can drown my sorrows in sweet syrup. Believe me, yes, I will resort to that low or that high, depending on the way you look at things. I will spare no expense to body or mind to make myself feel better tonight and to promise myself a better tomorrow. I know it doesn’t always work. It didn’t help at all, there are too many issues going on at once.

I have been stuck in this one room with the whole family for three months now and the walls are closing in on me. Our house is not ready to move back in yet but closer than before; maybe all the tension is starting to release now, now that it looks like the house may actually get fixed in real time.  Maybe I am starting to breath now instead of holding it in and the anger is starting t0 come out.

I want to sleep all the time, because right after my dreadful birthday in October the clock moves straight to here, the horrible time period: my deceased father’s birthday on the 13th 0f November straight through to Thanksgiving and Christmas, Chanukah and New Year’s Eve, the night he died and then New Year’s Day, my parent’s wedding anniversary. I kick it up a notch and remember January 5th, my grandmother’s birthday (my father’s mother) and the day we buried my father. Come January 6th, deep in the winter months I can start to breathe, that is until next year. But, as an insightful person and psychiatrist once said: ” I guess every November stinks for you.”

Genius.

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9 thoughts on “Going Crazy Fast

  1. Laurie,
    I think you’ve done spectacularly well in light of the circumstances you have been in. If the walls weren’t closing in on you and you weren’t feeling what you are feeling then I would think something is drastically wrong with you.
    What you are experiencing is APPROPRIATE to your circumstances. Nothing less, nothing more.
    My ONLY suggestion is to make sure you’ve got really good notes so that a year from now you can write a humorous book about the craziness of all this.
    Right now it’s not funny. It’s painful.
    xxxxxxx,
    J.

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  2. Gosh Laurie. I wish to God I could do or say anything to take the pain and frustration away from you. I can just imagine how stir crazy you must be. If I was rich, I would come get ya and we could get Lorraine and Mo and Wendy and whoever else needed a “girls getaway!” Someplace with plenty of sunhine for the vitamin D and a Starbucks on every corner for your caffeine fix…and a bakery for our sweet-tooths.

    It’s been a roughyear fo so many. Hell, life’s just plain rough all the time for some of us. Today I forced myself out of my house. Got in the van and drove to my grandparents little lakehouse and cleaned out the fridge for the season. Something I’ve been needing to do since none of us have been up there (other than my grandpa mowing) since the last week of August.

    I also stopped at the Dollar Store and bought some grocery items, God I musta looked a sight…I hadn’t brushed my hair, no makeup, wearing the ugliest mom jeans on the planet and my baggy hoodie that says CRAZY DOG LADY and proud of it!!! It Bright Neon Green…lol.

    But ya know….I enjoyed the day…I enjoyed the drive…the sunshine, the beautiful leaves that are left, the cows on their farms, horses…even a deer that was on the side of the road…he looked like he was waiting patiently for me to pass so he could cross…lol.

    But I put my Pat Benetar CD in and I jammed the whole 40 minutes home like a teenager again! I belted out “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” more than once! Yep, it hurt my damn hernia to sing…but I didn’t care…I’m gonna be hurting whether I’m crying, laughing, singing or yelling…may as well be doin a duet with Pat.

    I’m back in my usual spot tonite…brought the dogs their dollar store bones and they are chewing like insane savages, while I watch Little House on The Prarie…sippin my Gatorade…

    I am also still dealing with bronchitis…but I think that loud, off tune singing I did loosened things up…lol

    I know things are bleak right now Big Sis…but it won’t stay this way…your house will get done, it will feel like a mansion after all these months crammed in that hotel room! And January will be here and gone before we know it…I’ve noticed that time goes faster these days…

    But just know your friends are here….we may not be in person, but we are here…and I know you will get thru this awful time…and I know Callie is fine also…sometimes dogs have little lipomas as they get older, and they are nothing to worry about, they are like fatty cysts…is that maybe what you felt? Anyway, no need to worry, let the vet check her out and go from there.

    Sorry this got so long…lol, part of it will end up in my own blog tonite…oh well.

    Hang on Laurie Lou!
    T

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  3. Oh my dear, you have so much going on. I can understand the off balance all too well. (having mini vertigo every day since last Wednesday..ugh)

    I wish I could swoop i and take you away from all that for a while at least. You need a vacation!

    The date of my mother’s death does not get to me as much as the her birthday. New Year’s Day. Always, no matter where I was, in a bar, at home, once at a bon fire and had to drive 5 miles to get to a phone…I always…ALWAYS called my mother as close to midnight as possible to wish her a happy birthday. (my aunt and I would race to see who could get through on the phone the fastest) Yes, no cell phones or call waiting then!
    It’s been 19 years, and still, every year on her birthday, I die just a little bit.

    I feel for you my friend.
    I hope things with you house move very quickly from here on out and you will be so busy and happy with the move back in that the clock will run faster through this fateful time.

    (perhaps you should take a clue from your teen, and just sleep a day away.)

    love,
    wendy

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  4. You have to love those insightful comments. Your November is my July….
    I guess the only way to look at it is that we were lucky to have them. Also, let’s hope that real time clock on your house moves REAL quick!!

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