PAIN 11/11/11

pain
Pain
...Hurt...

I AM convinced that menopause was the catalyst for my getting a thyroid disorder, actually an auto-immune thyroid disorder called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Fibromyalgia which crept in….no, more like, crashed into my body right after menopause and never left. It also changed me from a happy person to a somewhat content person. I am more anxious, I have more fear. If PMS was a wading pool, menopause for me, was like a tsunami.

I had been to doctor after doctor, half of them not having a clue what was wrong with me (including my beloved internist who walked out of the examining room in frustration and left me crying inside, alone.) There was a rheumatologist who said I had “scoliosis” and that my auto-immune disease of the thyroid would leave me “wide open for other auto-immune diseases.” Thanks, really helpful and informative not to mention it scared me half to death. I had another rheumatologist who put me on cymbalta and when it did not help said she could do no more and a maniac rheumatologist who put me on various, toxic medicines that are generally given ONLY to transplant patients so that they don’t reject a new organ. He also let me stay on one particularly noxious medicine that gave me gastrointestinal problems so badly I couldn’t leave my bathroom for a month. When I called him after a month and told him what was happening, he said just “give it another month.” A month later, weak and dehydrated I had an office appointment and he said “my bad, that was my mistake.” YOU THINK?

It’s hard to remember “Before” menopause since I am convinced that menopause and fibromyalgia both robbed me of my memory. What was I saying? Why did I come up here? What did I want to remember? Frankly, its terrifying. I can remember verbatim the words spoken in my husband’s and my first fight but what I did yesterday? Not easy at all. It also robbed me of all the energy I ever had, poured it out of my body with an invisible pump and threw it in a large body of water far away from here. It could be fueling the energy of a little known country for all that I know…..

I consider myself a sick woman now, not a healthy one. My Fibromyalgia flare-ups have been so long and pronounced it’s like they are my new constant. I don’t remember when I didn’t ache in agony. Movement of every kind makes me groan out loud. I’m not asking for sympathy or even help, I am hoping for understanding. Please, just remember, I HURT all the time, whether you believe in this chronic pain disease or not. It is my unhappy life, not yours; do not judge. I don’t complain to you, so please don’t offer suggestions. If I want your opinion, truly, I will ask for it. You have NO idea what I go through so don’t even think about saying “you know how I feel.” Trust me, you don’t.

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5 thoughts on “PAIN 11/11/11

  1. Oh baby doll… I truly understand the implosion feeling. Just know that we are all here for you …. No matter what!! You have had a horrendous time lately and then put menopause into the mix!!

    Hugs my dear friend….
    Or just a shoulder to cry on….

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  2. Everyone’s pain and life are different. I don’t know how you feel, but as Phylor said, I do understand about pain. How people don’t understand, and how you can feel like you don’t know who you are anymore.
    I do wish I could make it go away…so very much.

    I too send you a {{{hug}}}, but do understand if you hurt to much to accept it. I hope some days are better than others.

    (Sometimes I’m asked if the pain is better, and sometimes I’ll say yes…because it in right at that moment, what they don’t understand is that it’s always there, sometimes it’s just more bearable than others.)

    {{{BIG HUG}}}
    if you can tolerate it.
    wendy

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  3. Can’t say I know how you feel — that’s uniquely your hell, — but I do understand about pain, and how it sucks the joy, light, and whimsey out of everything.
    No offers, no suggestions — just a (((((hug))) and you don’t have to accept the hug if you don’t feel like it.

    Like

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