What Makes Me Cry

old dog

Imagining myself in the future with my old dog, in the veterinarian’s office. My dog is older than she is now and very sick. She can’t be cured and paying thousands and thousands of dollars for treatments that will just prolong her pain and make her suffer is not what I want for her. It’s been hard enough to look at her these last few months and hear her whimper in pain, I cannot see my beloved dog suffer. I made a promise to her. They are ready to put her down, that’s the easiest, kindest way of saying it, I know. The vet and his assistant said I could wait outside, that it would be easier for me but I know in my heart I can’t do that. I adopted this puppy when she was six weeks old and she looked into my eyes then, wide eyes with expectation and she crawled on my lap, snuggled and never left. I promised her I would never leave her; how can I leave her now when she needs me the most? I’m sobbing but I go inside the office and I go around to her head and look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her and how much joy she has brought into my life. “My girl, my sweet girl” I whisper between my tears, ” I love you so much.” The vet looks at me and asks me if it’s okay to inject the needle into the IV. Part of me wants to scream “no!” but I have no choice, it’s time. I don’t want my dog to suffer anymore; we have been suffering together for a while now. I nod my head and it only takes moments before she inhales deeply and then is silent, her body still, frozen. I break down and sob hysterically and they let me have a moment alone with her. I’ve never loved an animal like I have loved this dog. She was my girl, my baby and I feel lost without her. I made a promise that I would not let her suffer and while I know logically that I did the right thing, my heart has been shattered and I feel overwhelming sadness and pain. I’ve truly lost my best friend, and it’s killing me.

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5 thoughts on “What Makes Me Cry

    • I sobbed all the way through writing it. I sobbed when I thought about it. Go finish reading it, then you will get a badge for courage. I know, it’s horrible to think about but I have to. She’s ten. Dan is away and my reward for writing this was this morning I woke up and Callie was lying next to me on the pillow, but same shape as a person, she looked like a bear. I just had to laugh. Lesson: enjoy what we have now. Love, your therapist.

        Warm wishes, Laurie https://hibernationnow.wordpress.com

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  1. Beautifully written, but gut wrenching to read my Big Sis. I know all too well how that will feel. I had to go thru it with my baby Dexter in 2008 and I thought I’d never recover, and I still haven’t. That was one of the worst days of my life, my hubby and our 2 kids went in with Dex…I held him, looking into his eyes, we all had hands on him…but I held his little head between my hands, nose to nose, saying “it’s okay baby…its ok…mommy luvs u”….until he was out. We were all sobbing uncontrollably walking out of there, none of us cared who was looking as we stood in the parkinglot holding each other. It was the right thing to do, but oh so hard. I have my babys ashes, a stone with his name and a windchime with his name and life span. His pic is next to my bed and in my lvingroom. I say hi to him each day. We have three other dogs…who I love dearly and I do not want to relive this experience, but know that I will. Us dog lovers…we have to have that furry bundle of love with us…even if it means torture in years to come. Try to enjoy all your times with your furry baby…many loving memories to hold you in the later years…luv ya Big Sis! xoxo
    Tammy

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