Days Like These

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The trees outside my window are straggly not strong; there is not a speck of sunshine showing through a blanket of thick white clouds. The sky is black and white, with no room for color anywhere. I lie in my bed, listening to music through head phones, for music therapy, and try to get myself out of this funk. So far it isn’t working.

I see the image of my deceased dad sitting in his red checkered robe at the old kitchen table, eating breakfast and I want to reach out to him; today I need nurturing, a soft hand to hold, a comforting voice telling me it’s all going to be okay. Today I miss my dad more than usual. I also miss my pretend Aunt Lore who understood me like a kitten knowing comfort. She was a fellow Libra who knew me and my personality and who understood how I thought and reacted. I could talk to her about anything. She too is gone.

My legs and arms and heart feel heavy. I don’t want to move my head around because that too, throbs. My dog keeps me company, sleeping next to me on the bed. I have no interest in conversations or activities, my stomach aches, my head throbs and I feel like I will feel like this forever. I am in a funk. I am taking things too seriously and I’m having trouble differentiating my physical pain and my emotional pain. I’m just trying to let everything rest and relax. There is a bathtub with jacuzzi jets that has my name on it for later on. Hopefully the force of the water will melt my bad feelings away.

There is no color in my life today, no spring blossoms, no flash of red or yellow or lime green. There is only the stark contrast of black to white or is it just blending together to become gray?  The world outside confirms my feelings. Everything hurts, we all have those days, I tell my friends that. I try to encourage them, now I need to work on myself.

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