Carry On Tuesday – Time To Say Good-Bye

Broken Heart symbol

Broken Heart symbol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Those of you who subscribe to Carry On Tuesday know we don’t pick the prompt, but I would be personally devastated if this WAS the last prompt. The prompt also comes at a very appropriate and hard time for me which makes me feel like my heart is breaking, smashing into little crystal shards that can’t be put back together.  My flesh is being torn apart yet my soul is comfortable and relaxed, knowing I can’t take any more. This break has been coming for a very long time, I know it has, and my feeble attempts before were useless, flimsy, like the shreds that are left on my overused red, silk robe. “I’m sorry” I whisper to my sister silently but I can’t live this way a moment longer. I know you don’t understand me, I know you feel like I act like the victim all the time but, in my heart, I have been the victim. The fact that you can’t see that shows how far apart we really are.

I know I have hurt you too and I am sorry but I feel that my abusive barbs are reactions to your lack of emotions and actions. Can’t you see that? Actually, you probably can’t. I never, in a million years, thought I could be part of a family that was broken, broken with glass shards that gouge and make us both bleed. It can’t go on like this; I know it’s time to say good-bye.

I needed you so many times, when we were teenagers and adults and you adamantly just said “no.” Why? Because you didn’t feel like it or you didn’t want to, it didn’t fit in your schedule, it was always just about you. It was cute when you were little, our parents joking about your mirror that said “It’s all about ME!” but growing up it grew less funny and more hurtful.

I know you hate it when I write about you in my blog so trust me to say this will be the last blog post. I won’t mention you again in a negative way at all. There is a tiny part of me that prays for a miraculous reconciliation but deep down I know that people don’t change. I need to accept my status as an “only child” and again use my friends as my family. I do apologize for telling you out loud that “I wouldn’t pick you as a friend” although it was true, it was hurtful. I need nurturing people in my life, people I can trust to be there for me when I need them; people I can depend on: this was never your strong suit. Not when the window washer abused me when I was a child and I tried to wake you up or when I was mugged and asked you to walk me home, both times you didn’t want to be bothered. That is not okay with me, how could it be?

When I had a lump removed from my breast in my early twenties you did come up to help me with the bandages but only after Mom and Dad forced you to come, they told me. While you came to my college graduation you didn’t ride in the car with Mom or Dad, you insisted on flying so that when they called my name up to the podium, cum laude, you were on your way back to the airport to leave.

When I was in the Emergency Room countless times with Mom or Dad, alone, I called you ONCE because I was very worried. I asked you to come FOR ME, you only lived half an hour away and it was early evening. You said “no” because you didn’t want to: that’s not a good enough reason for me. You question if I hate you? Yes, part of me does.

I still love you as my sister, but it’s not love that is strong enough to keep us together to have a relationship. It’s an obligatory love because you are part of a family we used to have. Just because it is time for me to say good-bye does not make it any easier at all. If there was a way to work on this relationship, I would but you won’t. You are too filled with your own hatred and anger and defense mechanisms you can’t see yourself as others do. I have always loved you, I probably always will. This love hurts way too much for us to be connected. I wish you love, good health and peace; I just can’t be part of it anymore; not the way it has existed for me for all these years. No. That’s not to say that I don’t think this is incredibly, horrifically, sad. I do.

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10 thoughts on “Carry On Tuesday – Time To Say Good-Bye

  1. I just reread this post for the first time in over two years. What has changed? Nothing. We still fight, we can go for a couple of weeks not talking and then there is a need, a want to still be connected. Almost a primal connection as sisters who share our past. We don’t see each other often at all but keep up with each other by text or phone.I have accepted that I cannot change her and vice versa but we will never meet in the middle.We are polar opposites, with a slippery thread of love holding us together.

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  2. Here on earth — we cannot pick our family … there is a bond, but not always a supportive or healthy one. If one believes in “contracts to fulfill before arriving here on Earth” then there are lessons within the relationship. Perhaps the contract has been fulfilled and can be stamped “done” or “paid in full”. Whatever, the reason, opinion or notion — it is hard to make this step with immediate family. Many blessings with you during this time ~~ becca

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  3. I’ve not gotten to this stage with my sister yet, but part of me worries that it might happen, and that scares me. So I do feel for you, Laurie. My heartfelt wishes with you at this time, and I hope you find solace soon.

    Leo.

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  4. Sometimes the best thing to do is to say goodbye. If a relationship is all give on your part and nothing given back in return, it’s tiring. It seems as if you’ve tried to be as patient as you could for many years but, some people are just selfish. I also have said goodbye recently to someone I loved and cared for a great deal but, I knew in all the years I’ve known her I was being used. Sooner or later the hurt overwhelms everything else that we feel until it hurts more than the love you feel. I think you’re right to do this, no matter how much it hurts because there comes a point when you have to love yourself enough to say ‘No more’ Maybe this will be the truth your sister needs to try to change her ways.

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  5. I’m so sorry things are and have been so bad for your relationship with your sister Laurie. It must be so devastating for you. But for your own health, mental as well as physical, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. Sometimes no matter how much we want it or how hard we try, we just cannot have healthy relationships with people in our family. Being blood doesn’t necessarily make a relationhip loving and healthy or strong. I hope your heart heals, and I am sure in time it will. I’ve learned no to expect too much out of people, as it usually mean a big let down at some point…I never had a sister, but i always wanted one, I have a younger brother and he and I have had our major issues over the years,not speaking for about 8 years at one point. We are both in bad health now, and I have tried to put the past behind me. We are civil and I love him as my brother, but the close bond isn’t there, never really was. You have alot of “sisters’ out here in cyber world Laurie, who love you and are proud to know you. Hang in there.
    ooxxoo
    T

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  6. I too had to sever my relationship with my sister….my therapist once read a bunch of emails she wrote me and said, “This woman has issues, and they are not yours!” We decided then that I needed to walk away. I was 7 years later before we started speaking again, now we are civil. We send little emails, but very superficial. I will not let her in again, to tear me apart. Her daughter, my niece, will not speak to me….no reason. She does blame me for being bipolar, like I gave it to her…ummm, I’m not the one who passed on those genes girl, you need to learn how that works. She has 2 children I’ve never seen.
    We used to be so very close. Once I told her she was doing things I could not condone. (sneaking out, doing drugs….ect…) That I was worried, and she needed to know how I felt. I’d never betray her trust in telling me, but I thought she needed help. She’s barely spoken to me since then.
    My father….we’ve never been close.

    the only person in my family who held it all together was my mother…but she died. 19 years ago. Our family has been broken ever since.

    I finally had to accept I could only offer the olive branch so many times, but it takes the other person to accept it before you can work on things. My family doesn’t work on things…they bury them. So things are never resolved…they simply aren’t talked about.
    I think the only reason my sister talks to me now is because my father is almost 80 and she may need help with him…..it won’t be from me. I will not help that man. I cared for my mother…alone. I will not help the man who tortured me growing up. Never. I’m civil, but that’s all.

    It took a long time for me to accept all of this, and not want more. I wanted more for so long, and when my sister started talking to me again, I thought I’d have more….to tell the truth, I wish we still weren’t talking…it was easier. I wish I didn’t have to have anything to do with any of them.

    it was very hard for a long time, I kept expecting things to miraculously be different…it won’t be.

    Oh if I called my sister and told her I needed her, she’d come, not because she wanted to but because she’s a martyr. OH, look what I did for this person and that person. She has to come to the rescue even if she isn’t wanted. NO…I’ve gone through the roughest years of my life without her help, I don’t need her now.

    good luck.
    saying good bye to a family member is very, very hard. Extended family often doesn’t understand. But it can be one of the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

    w

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  7. Laurie,

    I am sorry to say that I relate to your post more intimately than I wish.

    No matter what I did, I could never make my sister love me. It took me almost 50 years to stop trying to make up for the offense being born.

    And here’s the sad truth: she’s the one who said “don’t ever call again.” I would not have said that. But I am a happier and healthier person for it.

    I also never thought my family could become so permanently broken. It’s been – wow – three years now. My heart is still healing.

    I miss having a sister, but the sister I miss never really existed. I’ll always love my sister, but from a safe distance. I wish her happiness and peace. These things have not come easily for her.

    All I ask you (Laurie, not my sister) is that you give yourself time and space to let your broken heart heal. This is a profound loss, but as you know, it is essential to your own healing and wellbeing.

    Hugs,
    Jane

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