What happens when you have those kind of days when everything seems wrong, unfair and it is just plain relentless? It’s like a nightmare when someone is tugging on your arm and you feel the pain but they don’t let up, your arm falls off instead and you scream in raw pain. When people you thought you loved keep taunting you and making you fall deeper into a hole that buries you? When you are completely misunderstood? It gets to the point that the thought of suicide feels like a vacation.
I’m not counting pills or getting out the razor blades nor am I planning to jump from the top of a big skyscraper but suicide fantasies are real; they are a means for escaping pain, too much pain. Last night I indulged in one of them. My life, lately, has been a mess. Too many changes, too much stress, too much anger and it all got to me. Dysfunctional family members ganging up on me, needlessly, almost for sport, not taking the time to think about how that would feel to them. Other members of the family leaving me out, my physical limitations making it hard for me to walk as fast, they march on ahead, leaving me to walk in back of them, physically hurting and psychologically silencing me from their conversation.They are oblivious to my emotional and physical pain, what an incredible disappointment to me and exceedingly hurtful, physically and mentally. My Fibromyalgia and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis are not new illnesses, I’ve had them for over five and a half years now, this should not come as a surprise. My husband’s comment to me when I brought it up to him was “I forgot, I didn’t notice.” I can’t forget and neither can all of my friends who have these crippling illnesses.
I call my old best friend and she understands, she knows without hearing more than a barely audible whisper of her name that something is terribly wrong. I know what she is thinking but it is not a death or an illness though it feels like that to me; I feel like I am dying slowly inside, emotionally. My friend and I don’t see each other often at all but we are there for each other when we need one another. I can count on her for anything, she can do the same. It’s nice to know, in this complicated world, there is someone from the past who knows you and your history so well that they understand without explaining. “She is my person” as they say in “Grey’s Anatomy;” she is my Christina to my Meredith. I will also NEVER let a “professional” doctor treat me in such an unprofessional way where it hurts me, never. This caused a lot of psychological damage as well. My initial judgments are sound.
Maybe sometime soon I will want to see the sun streaming in through the windows and will take solace in the few flowers that remain, the fading yellow tulips that my daughter gave me for Mother’s Day, the bottle of sugar- free black cherry seltzer water from CVS which reminds me vaguely of almonds. I won’t mind the bite marks on my hands and feet because I will appreciate the dog that I saved when I adopted her from the animal shelter, all curled up in the fetal position, peacefully sleeping, probably drugged. She’s a wild thing now, all energy, safe, happy, loved and a bit out of control.
Tomorrow is Sunday and I hope I will have the energy to get out of bed to take a shower and get dressed, if not happy to be alive than at least grateful. Maybe there will be a small slice of sunlight crossing my body and that will make me happy. My stomach, still clenched in knots, is ever so slowly beginning to relax. The doubts I had about myself, my judgment about people, my strongest quality will come back without question because after all, tomorrow is another, brand new day and I welcome it.
I close my eyes in peace, welcoming sleep and serenity, looking forward to possibilities and not thinking of death or gloom or tragedy. I need to sync my soul back into my body to align myself with the brightness and good, sanity and happiness. I will go downstairs now and play with my puppy that I have avoided for two days; I will give her a treat, I will stroke her silky fur and even if she tries to bite me, I will hand her a bone instead and grin.
p.s. A special THANK YOU to Keith from Carry On Tuesday for just Keeping On….I so appreciate it!
I relate, Laurie. I’ve gone so deep in the dumps at times, I’ve been tempted to make fantasy into reality. And I don’t know how she does it, but my best friend calls at that exact time, sensing something is awry. I pray you have better tomorrows than today, my friend. Take care.
I know those feelings. It can get so very dark when you’re stuck in the shadows. Friends, real and virtual, shine the light and help you find your way out. Wishing you some happiness. Hugs.
if not happy to be alive than at least grateful…true that…and i hope that bit of sun finds you today…and you continue to stitch that soul back to the body…smiles…bren gave some good wisdom in her comment there…
Having Systemic Lupus myself, I can understand everything you’re saying here. People seem to only be able to empathise about an illness if they can actually ‘see’ the effects of it. I mean, if we have a big bandage on our body, they see it and say, “Oh, what did you do you poor thing’ But, any illness that can’t be seen, they forget that you have one. I’m glad you have a friend who ‘knows’ and that you can talk with about how you feel. It helps just knowing there is one other person who understands the pain, the stress, the feelings.
Glad you shared here and, please know, there are others exactly like this too. You are not alone š and yes, tomorrow is another day.
thank you so much!
Warm wishes, Laurie https://hibernationnow.wordpress.com
It is wonderful to have a friend like that. A great write on the prompt. Wishing you many tomorrows of peace, loving and cherishing yourself.
Arent animals amazing .We have 3 rescued cats and 2 new rescued dogs that actually introduced us to a local no kill shelter that we now pick up donations for.The first Smudge is so full of life and enjoys every second of it,my husband calls him a natural antidepressant and Gizmo is my lapdog,starved and ignored he has issues poor thing ….just like me lol.But at the end of the day he lays on me and lets out a huge sigh of happiness as he trusts me with his tummy:)
I really, trully hope that for you, tomorrow really is another day, one with sunshine, flowers, fairies, pixie dust, smiles, and talks with your friend.
I am not an expert on depression. I can only wish you well. Dwell on the good…God…your writing…your puppy.
When I click on your lion at COT…it doesn’t take me to your blog…had to go through the back door…thanks for keeping unlocked…and oh…I helped myself to cup of coffee as I walked through the kitchen