Playing Archery In The Dark, Buck Naked

Cover pain

Cover pain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Just kidding. I’m about to emote and perhaps complain and I thought it was a catchy title which somehow worked it’s way inside my brain out of nowhere. It’s the evening of the fourth of the July and I am feeling lonely and uncomfortable. The high point of my day is hearing the thunderstorms outside. It’s hot, about 80 percent humidity and I feel like an old woman with my joints (not THOSE kind of joints) swollen and my muscles tense and painful.

I know my fellow Fibromyalgia mates feel the same way but it doesn’t make me feel better. Everything hurts, I can barely stand up without extreme effort. I am in pain both physically and emotionally.

I think I hate holidays more than I ever have. I used to love them when the children were young and when my dad was alive and when my sister and I used to get along better. Now? They are just a painful reminder of all that I don’t have. Holidays seem to bring the worst out of everybody, senses over stimulated, emotions seem raw.

I have a sister who seems like she is just a few miles from estranged, we talk once in a while but we can never agree or love each other for who we are. It’s a shame, I know, but our history is not in our favor. We try to keep it together for our mother. It works both ways. It just reaffirms everything we are not.

I miss our dad who has been dead for a very long time. He loved this holiday, he would swing a fake pointer and pretend to be the orchestra conductor; the Macy’s Fireworks would light up his bedroom concert hall. I couldn’t even watch it on television this year, it made me too sad.

Time moves on, I can accept not liking certain holidays. I know that both my children are leaving for college in the fall. I know I am not young anymore and that my chin droops from where I have lost weight.

I am grateful for what I do have: a loving husband, two great kids, a crazy puppy, my mom and plenty of friends that I trust and rely on. One can’t have everything. A friend suggested I copy this to remember:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

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