Hope, Lost

fibromyalgia awareness

fibromyalgia awareness (Photo credit: veganjoy)

I am feeling funky today. Not funky ha ha, funky bad, I get those days from time to time. Fibromyalgia and chronic pain are to blame. There are days when I have a really good attitude about my chronic pain disease, Fibromyalgia and I say things to myself like “it’s not life-threatening” to keep me sane and balanced and aware, even grateful. Then there are nights like tonight where my face crinkles in uneasy frowns and my smile has disappeared as if I have two very different personalities. This “me” is not happy, and this “me” is angry, pissed off and ready to rumble.

Tonight is a night when many of my Fibromyalgia on-line friends/sisters in solidarity, are on-line, I read their blogs, they read mine.  There seems to be a lull in energy for all of us, a low in satisfaction, an overall feeling of just wanting to give up and an off the wall chart on pain levels. We have had enough, all of us. Yes, we know we have the illness, yes we will never get rid of it, yes it hurts and clouds our minds so much that our children look at us as if we have dementia. It’s called Fibro Fog.

I’ve never been overly concerned with my age, 55, but I am disappointed and disgusted in my physical limitations. Between low blood pressure, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and Fibromyalgia, I don’t have a lot of energy. Other times, I have balance issues, always I have pain. At some point in the day or night, pain wakes me up in the cramping of my arms, in the battlefield of my legs. My husband passes by me and by accident his soft, cotton shirt touches one of my tender points and I scream out in pain. He didn’t do anything wrong but just the touch of the fabric was excruciatingly painful. It’s not fair and yes, I am whining tonight.

I’m tired and cranky and cranky some more. Oh, p.s. IT’S NOT IN OUR HEADS!

My jaw hurts from TMJ, my stomach hurts from IBS, my hair falls out and I can’t get a good night’s sleep which is imperative to my health. I can’t win, we can’t win. I feel  impatient and eventually I will settle down but now I just want to be angry at how my body has failed me. You know it’s true.

No, I don’t want platitudes, I just want to vent and say that I know it could be much worse but for now, it isn’t exactly like a walk in the park. I have a puppy, she needs to be walked, she needs to run but I can’t run with her. I take her on short walks when I can and sometimes I just throw her a toy, from my lying down position on the couch. It isn’t much but it is something. Still, I feel like a bad puppy mommy.

I had to have a brain/spine MRI because my imbalance was so severe that I fell flat on my face and knees outside with nothing to trip me. I’m seeing my Rheumatologist but I KNOW he doesn’t have the answer. He believes me, he cares, he tries but I know he can only do so much. Part of me wants to throw away the medicine I am taking (Savella) and see how bad it is without it. On the other hand, I’m scared to do that, I’m a little better than I was originally. Just not good enough.

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10 thoughts on “Hope, Lost

  1. Pingback: Should We Take A Moment To Mourn Together? | Hibernationnow's Blog

  2. One reason many are affected badly at the samee time is because of weather, Laurie. It really is true that pressure changes when fronts come thru affects not only joint pain but also migraines and headaches and general aches. We have had quite the Summer for weather, with many storm systems, and Issac may have not been much when he made it to Virginia, but he sure made me miserable for 4 days.
    Oh, FYI, the storms don’t have to be upon you to affect you – they can still be 100 miles away. And even weather fronts that push out wet weather and bring in the sun cause disruption, and can cause increased pain.

    Random thought. Do you have leaky gut syndrome? I’m suspecting you do and we need to look at your diet…

    *hugs*
    Ash

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  3. Vent when ever you like. You’ve listened to mine enough. So many people are having such a hard time recently. 4 people I know of had a bad attack the same night I did. How strange is that? A good friend of mine with Meniere’s had a drop attack and broke her collar bone and shoulder. She’s ready to give up.

    My point. You are not alone. I don’t know if the stars are not aligned or what, but it seems like things have been shitty lately. (see….potty mouth, and I’m trying to get better)
    love and hugs
    w

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  4. I know. Me too….. it’s been so humid and I have felt so bad. You are not a bad puppy mommy. The best thing about them is that they love you no matter what. I know how much this sucks and I wish we all lived closer. Just know I’m with you in spirit my friend.

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