“I wanted to know that he would be okay if I died. I wanted to not be a grenade, to not be a malevolent force in the lives of people I loved.”Since we all knew I had incurable cancer there was no shock involved. I knew he loved me and I loved him back, that just wasn’t the point. When you have cancer and you were young, you stop talking about how many years you have left or what I’m going to miss because it is just so totally irrelavent. It’s life, literally, day by day.You’ve thought it through so much and it takes up so much space in your brain that at some point you need to quit thinking and just go on with every minute. Even if just means you’re going to brush your teeth or throw up in the sick,or return a fucking book to the library, it has to be present tense.
It’s harder on my parents, I can’t help that and I’m trying to prepare them for me leaving them behind but honestly I didn’t ask for this and they didn’t want me to have this, I KNOW THAT. I WISH I didn’t have it but I do so we can’t make anyone of us feel better. It sucks, it just sucks and it probably will for a while. All I care about is the pain, I don’t want any pain, I just want to float away as soon as the pain starts and my doctor and my parents have promised me that I could have that. They better stick to to their promise because I will be one cranky, nasty bitch with cancer eating at my bones and no pain meds. I’m talking heavy meds like morphine or whatever they have that is stronger.I don’t care if I see angels or Disney character floating above me, if it means no pain, I’ll take it.
I want to be able to eat jelly doughnuts if I can, and a friend of mine just told me that they have Almond Joy ice cream which I must have before I kick the bucket so I need to send someone out there to find it fast. I want milkshakes every day, each day a different flavor. I mean if I only have a few weeks to live, I want to enjoy it. If I stop enjoying it than I want them to put me out, turn me off like my nightstand bed lamp. Just click.