Kellie Elmore: Free Write Friday 6-29-13

who am i?

who am i? (Photo credit: Beni Ishaque Luthor)

(things can’t let you down, unless you let them)

“It’s easier said than done, I know that. You know that, right, Son? All this psychobabble about “life’s has its ups and downs, just go with the flow?” Sure, I know that in my head, but when something creepy, or scary or even startling happens, man, that goes straight, directly to my heart and it’s a sure fire hit. There are no stops, no waiting, or hesitating, it’s a missile like an emotional heart attack. It always has a trigger, like now, people are screaming behind me are making me tense, uptight, upset. You have to understand I’m not like you and your generation, it’s hard for me to “just get over it.” I get so depressed and I just want to put my head in my hands and my body starts shaking. My stomach clenches and it’s trying to ruin my day and I feel myself getting hooked on sadness like a slippery snake, going in and out of my brain to my insides. I  try to stop it but I can’t.

I’m lost, that’s how I can describe it, I’m lost. I’m really nobody now. Sure, I’m someone’s husband, brother, father, but who am I? I’m really not sure anymore.  I used to know but now everything is cloudy. What I thought I knew for sure is shaky, what I thought I knew about you is different.I was YOU, a long time ago. Listen to me. It’s easy to push things into those dark recesses of your mind, I’ve been doing that for a long, long time. There’s safety in comfort, I know that. But, how much comfort is worth it? When does comfort become settling or even just plain old vanilla laziness? I’m the wrong one to ask. I stay safe, too safe, and I stay still. I’m not happy, not ever. Probably never have been happy.

Some people like my old friend Jon are adaptable, whatever happens he adjusts. He doesn’t worry, he doesn’t panic, he goes with whatever comes his way with his cool, jolly attitude and his big goofy smile and things always seem to fall into place. I wish I had been like him. I have NEVER been like him and probably never will be. There’s only so much you can do to change yourself, sometimes you born and labeled damaged goods. I can thank my own parents for that.

At least I tried I to face my fears and do things anyway which in itself is a big step. It’s okay to be fearful, everyone is probably afraid of something but making the attempt to overcome it, that’s like a pile of birthday presents you give to yourself, all wrapped up in silver and gold. It’s a birthday cake with your favorite filling, I choose vanilla cake, with chocolate frosting and chocolate cake with vanilla frosting, I’m not messing around here. I’ll even throw in some oatmeal raisin cookies and chocolate mint ice cream.

Life is a crap shoot. I admit, I am sometimes scared of the future, especially now that I am older. I was young once, just like you. I was young with hopeful thoughts and ideas and daydreams but I have lived a long time and Life has changed me. I hope it doesn’t change you too. Keep being positive and loving, honest and trusting. Even if you get hurt, it is worth the journey to experience that love, that excitement again. Take chances, as many as possible and don’t hesitate to try new things. If it doesn’t work out, move right on to something else. Don’t be like me, please, I beg of you, don’t be like me.

I’ll keep trying, in my own little corner of my world, but I don’t expect too much and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit of reality thrown in to the mix anyway. I am who I am, some good, some bad, just like we all are. No, I’m not giving up anytime soon, I’m still teaching you, my boy, my darling boy.”

Deep sadness - old man [3]

Deep sadness – old man [3] (Photo credit: Zuhair Ahmad)

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Dear Alice,

Hibernationnow's Blog

Hey, Alice, did you see? I wrote about another lunch, this time it had bread and cheese and red grapes which is my all time favorite lunch combination but knowing me I should have added dessert. Yes, I know I should say something like a square of dark chocolate but who am I kidding? First, it would be milk chocolate that would melt slowly, (and not just one piece, mind you)  but you know THE real answer, now don’t you? Well, I’m not going to bring THAT up again, that’s for darn sure.  I have to limit myself on sweets because once I start I can easily continue and that can get bad. I didn’t say I was going to do it but I sure would be tempted with ONE dessert. Oh, don’t even bring up my diabetes, it’s just borderline. Hush.

It’s been a nasty day here, cloud covering…

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Decluttering My Life

Clutter

Clutter (Photo credit: marlana)

First, I thought I might be a hoarder, and believe me I am in no way making a joke out of this. I read that hoarding starts with keeping sentimental things. If that’s how it starts then I am in big, big trouble. If I look around my house, though, the clutter is really just in my bedroom and my (once) big walk-in  closet. You can’t walk into it anymore. I ‘m scared, truly scared, as I look around my bedroom filled with Diet Snapple bottles and magazines, candles, plates, lavender moisturizing creams, piles of paper… I need to breathe, I  need to breathe.  Other rooms in the house “look” fine, for example: the living room but my room and my closet are humiliating and filled with junk. Boxes and boxes, laundry baskets and laundry baskets filled with everything but laundry.

If I declutter my house, will my head and heart be clearer too?

Lately, I have misplaced things too. My keys, my sunglasses, my plane ticket,  lipstick, my book, my jacket. Also, recently I have been very stressed out, emotionally. This is MORE than my nemesis Fibro Fog from Fibromyalagia. I misplace one thing after another, panicking and starting the cycle over again. There has to be a connection here I’m trying to slow myself down, so far it isn’t working. It’s not amusing when I “lose” something, my daughter helps me find it, ( I always find things,) I misplace things rapidly. I need to slow down.

I can’t deal with anything when I am feeling so overwhelmed. I need to start cleaning and organizing now, actually yesterday. I feel the stress in my stomach. I always feel stress first in my stomach, is that just me or does it happen to everyone? The tender points in my neck and shoulders are all raw, tap me lightly on a tender point and I will let out a blood-curdling scream. Last week the edge of my husband’s sleeve brushed against me and my scream was so awful and so loud that it scared both of us. Damn disease.

Next morning: I can breathe a little easier today, I really did work myself into a panic but once I started organizing my room and recycling a lot of papers and magazines I felt better. There’s still a lot on my mind, I don’t feel settled yet, but even if I make a tiny bit of progress it will make me fell more in control. Of everything. I will need to work things out, in my head and in my heart. I will do all that while I am cleaning, because cleaning will give me more control, I just feel that. I can’t be wrong. Can I?

Yellow Magic Madness # 20 Meet My Hero

I have to say I was quite impressed and amused to see this photo! Meet “My Yellow Friend.”

Yellow beard, hair, eye brows, shirt, you are the spirit of all things yellow and happy. Thank you, kind Sir.

Yellow Beard

Yellow Beard (Photo credit: Viewminder)

Dear Alice,

Creamy Coconut Cake

Creamy Coconut Cake (Photo credit: 3liz4)

Hey, Alice, did you see? I wrote about another lunch, this time it had bread and cheese and red grapes which is my all time favorite lunch combination but knowing me I should have added dessert. Yes, I know I should say something like a square of dark chocolate but who am I kidding? First, it would be milk chocolate that would melt slowly, (and not just one piece, mind you)  but you know THE real answer, now don’t you? Well, I’m not going to bring THAT up again, that’s for darn sure.  I have to limit myself on sweets because once I start I can easily continue and that can get bad. I didn’t say I was going to do it but I sure would be tempted with ONE dessert. Oh, don’t even bring up my diabetes, it’s just borderline. Hush.

It’s been a nasty day here, cloud covering, humidity, thick as if holding the rain inside as a hostage, we want it to open up and pour so we can get some relief but there is no relief coming. Not today and not for several more days.  I can’t stand the freezing cold and I am miserable in the extreme heat, basically, I get about two to three weeks a year when I am comfortable but my old bones hurt anyway. Stiff and sore, swollen. I can barely walk now without using that darn walker too. What a pretty sight I am!

It does seem unfair that life is wasted on young people and of course, we were the same way, weren’t we? We knew everything and our lives were just beginning. What happened? Where did the years go?  My it was their first day of nursery school just a minute ago and now they are both all grown up. It goes by too quick doesn’t it Alice?

I just had my after dinner snack and I can hear you laughing.  I had a huge bowl of cereal,  four different cereals mixed together. Someone bought skim milk instead of one percent and frankly that milk looks gray-green to me. It really does taste the same but I find the color just disgusting. I did add some of that half and half and that sure made it more tasty. Like old times when we drank hot coffee with mostly cream and sugar in it pretending we were so grown-up.

Do you remember all the good food we used to eat at your house when we were little? You had the best food of all our friends.  That cake, the coconut cake your mom would make, oh my, that was the most delicious thing I ever ate in my life. Every time I’d go to a restaurant if they had coconut cake I would order it but none compared to your mom’s home-made cake. I begged you to get that recipe for me, but you never did.  I still hold a grudge for that, yes I do and I always will. Yes, always.

It was bad enough that you had the cancer and died on me when we had our plans to live next door to each other in the retirement home, sitting in our rocking chairs, side by side, that was bad enough, that was real bad, Allie. But the only favor I ever ask from you and you never gave me that recipe, for that coconut cake that I loved so dearly. Why Alice, why did you have to die and leave me here alone.

rocking chair

rocking chair (Photo credit: grimescene)

“North West?” Just Hear Me Groan… (Pop Cop)

Well, now I’ve heard it all, yup, that’s right. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their brand new baby girl: wait for it: NORTH. Her name is

144264091

144264091 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)

NORTH WEST. Let me guess, if little North West gets married she can only get married to a guy or a gal  (Yay) whose last name is AIRLINES, ba da ding!  Out of all names possible this is the one that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West came up with. Seriously?  I think the nickname that they picked “Nori” is adorable. Why not just NAME the kid “Nori” and make life simpler for everyone, including your daughter. You know, of course, that North is going to change her name, for sure, once she is of legal age and who can blame her? I swear, I hope she picks something old-fashioned just to annoy her parents, how about Ruth or Elizabeth, Bertha or Helen.

Is anyone else getting sick of these so-called “sell-ebreties” naming their kids all these weird ass kinds of names for attention to be “unique aka weird.”I think Apple was the first piece of fruit to be named and we thought that was outrageous back then. Oh Gwynnie, you old trend setter, you.

Besides, maybe it’s just me but I don’t consider Kim Kardashian a celebrity. Meryl Streep, yes, Kim Kardashian, so not.That’s like comparing Honey BooBoo to Shirley Temple, the child star of my youth. The whole family should leave television and work for a box chain store, maybe Wal-Mart or K-mart without the benefit of hair and make-up, wearing sneakers, not stilettos and roomy uniforms not dresses that are 6 sizes too small for them.

My goodness, Mom Kardashian,I mean Jenner, whatever, go home and start counting your face/body lifts or work for the poor, do something good for the world, hide and do volunteer work. Now you are going to have your own television show? Gosh I am so shocked! (Not) Here’s one viewer that will not tune in. But, then again, I’ve never watched one episode of any Kardashian show. It makes me want to gag. Rumor has it that North West will make an appearance on your show, WOW, what a ratings booster. Want to make a bet it’s going to be on Day One?!

The only Kardashian I think I like is the married Kardashian (I googled-her name, Khloe) who is trying to have a baby (allegedly) and I feel bad for her if it is true. I too, went through infertility for two and a half years and it’s excruciatingly painful both physically and emotionally. Especially when you have two sisters who have children already. Trust me, I know. In the middle of my infertility struggles, my sister had me lie down next to her and go over names she liked for her second child. It was so NOT cool. I just remember trying to keep my act together until we left and then bursting into tears when I saw my mom. She understood.

Well, Nori, you have a cute little nickname, please use it as often as possible. When you start school, nursery school, pre-school make sure they call you Nori. I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself, but all those SAT forms, driver’s ed forms, etc. when they want the LAST NAME FIRST: West, FIRST NAME: NORTH. Wow, just wow. Good luck, sweetheart.

p.s. if you happen to have a sibling…will it be South or East? We’re taking bets already. but, we may not have to worry about that quite yet. It’s Hollywood. Things change…rapidly.

Compass

Compass (Photo credit: Shevralay)

Plinky Prompt: Describe Your Perfect Rainy Day

Bentley Tea Cup

Bentley Tea Cup (Photo credit: snap713)

  • Safe inside, toasty warm, while water pitter-patters on the roof… describe your perfect, rainy afternoon. See all answers
  • Thinking in the rain
  • Actually, my perfect rainy afternoon would be living in a climate where it doesn’t rain BUT, I will be good and play along:

    A cup of jasmine tea, sitting on a window bench, looking outside, my dog sleeping peacefully near me so I can hear her breathing, daydreaming, a fire in the fireplace, writing an entry into my blog, no stress in my life, matching my breathing with the pattern of the rain, no thoughts, mindful meditation. Relaxation.

    English: A snail on a rainy window

    English: A snail on a rainy window (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Plinky Prompt: A Pill or Food?

  • If you could get all the nutrition you needed in a day with a pill —no worrying about what to eat, no food preparation — would you do it?See all answers 
  • Red pill / blue pill
  • HA HA, let me hold on to this kitchen table before I fall to the floor laughing hysterically. The answer to this absurd question of “if I could get all the nutrition I needed in a day with a pill instead of food” is to me, laughable. I’m a foodie or at least a foodie wannabe. I love thinking about food, seeing food, tasting food, eating food, talking about food…I just lack the ability to make the real food. Going out to eat is a guilty pleasure, dessert is my weakness. Give me French bread, cheese, red grapes, I’m happy. Or last night’s dinner was: scrambled eggs, with two kinds of cheese and avocado, a slice of Zaro’s multi-grain bread, delicious. It doesn’t have to be fancy, it just has to fit what I am craving. Next stop: I’m searching for gazpacho in all the right places. I’m too lazy to make it (I don’t have a food processor) and I want to taste all the different kinds that the shops make in the neighborhood…starting tomorrow. Hear that Joe? I’m coming in for that free sample.
    A pill instead of food? Nonsense, that’s no fun at all. Besides, what about dessert? My most favorite part? My sweet tooth would not be satisfied by anything pill shaped. Not even a sugar cube would do.

  • Gazpacho (Spanish liquid tomato salad).

    Gazpacho (Spanish liquid tomato salad). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Free Write Friday, Kellie Elmore (Winter to Summer)

Get a Life.

Get a Life. (Photo credit: the.barb)

Nurturing A Dying Plant

Nick and Kailey, 23,  live together in a dark basement apartment, in Cambridge, MA.  They met in graduate school and dated for several years. Now, they both worked from home, in technology. Kailey’s parents refers to them as “moles.” “They act as if they were in hiding, as if they were in the witness protection program,” she complains to her husband.Nick was absolutely happy living this way however, Kailey has her doubts, she missed seeing other people and having parties but she loved Nick and knew this was important to him.

The long, tough winter in Cambridge had made Kailey so weary, so depressed because even though their apartment was in the basement she missed the light that came in through their one window. She missed seeing other people, her old friends but Nick wanted her to himself and she knew that proved how much he loved her. She felt safe and happy and deeply loved.

One day in June when she heard birds chirping outside their window, and sniffed the changing air Kailey started to feel happier. She was excited and couldn’t wait to go outside yet Nick had no interest. Finally after much begging and pleading he did go with her but he didn’t seem pleased. They walked up the four steps to the outside where their eyes blinked and they used their hands to shade them from the brightness. Kailey squealed with delight and Nick just wanted to go back inside where he felt most comfortable among his computers.

Once outside, tree buds pink with anticipation were blooming, grass was sturdy and deep green, standing upright saluting the sun, people were no longer wearing their puffy down jackets. Instead they were wearing their Harvard sweatshirts, rowing on the Charles River in perfect synchronicity. Kailey looked around at the life around her, people smiling, holding cups of iced coffee in their hands, throwing frisbees across the greens and laughing with pleasure. Kailey smiled openlyas soon as she was outside, her cheeks getting pink, exposed to fresh air and the sun. She was laughing out loud at all the activity and after a while a group of kids playing frisbee asked Kailey and Nick if they wanted to join  their game. Kailey joined their game begging Nick to join but, as usual, he refused adamantly.

“Kailey, he shouted a short time later, it’s time to go home” and for the first time, in a long time, she didn’t follow him immediately. Her new friends begged her to stay awhile longer and she did. “I’ll be back later” she told Nick and turned back to her new friends, laughing, breathless and happy. She had been with Nick for a very long time. She didn’t see them getting married soon, there was something missing and she had always known that. Nick loved living in the dark world, it was there he felt most comfortable but Kailey didn’t. Once she saw the sunshine, her senses became alive, she couldn’t imagine going back to the place she had lived with Nick.  She sat herself down on the grass and started thinking about her life. Did she really still love Nick or was Nick her safety net? Was she happy living the same life that Nick lived? No, she knew that.  She felt like an old, thirsty plant that was dying, needing water and sunlight, nurturing.

It was time, she thought, time to tell Nick something she had known for a long time but had been too scared to think about much less mention it. Their relationship was more of convenience than anything else. Nick was comfortable in his own world of technology, alone with his computers, not needing people or nature around him. Kailey was different, playing frisbee wtih new friends in the sunlight, laughing and having fun had exposed her to a world that she used to live in, a world where things were light, sunny, happier and free. She sat alone for quite some time, thinking, reluctant to get up. Finally, she headed back to the house, up the hill, her head down. Her world had changed, now she needed to tell Nick that she was not complete just living in the dark. She wanted more, more for herself, more fun in her life, more brightness. She was going to try to say goodbye to darkness, and head slowly to the light.