Dear Bear,

Photographed by Daniel Case 2006-01-20.

Photographed by Daniel Case 2006-01-20. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I love your spirit, Bear, and I don’t even know you. I feel stuck, like I’ve been treading water for way too long a time, I know I won’t drown but I honestly have never been this tired or this doubtful before. Ever.

You have spirit, dear blog friend, and I admire that immensely. Right now I don’t have anything or feel anything except for hunger on occasion. I try to read but I don’t get past the first line. Music, which always soothes me, distracts me, and I turn it off immediately. I am lying on my bed with my computer and my dog snuggling at my feet, I could stay like this and not go out at all. I make myself go out because I think that it’s healthier for me.

I’ve always said “I’ve never been a depressive person” anxious I could cop to, but I was never really depressed. What the hell am I now? I’ve done all the right things, seen a doctor, talked things out but I just can’t figure this one out. I know it started when my husband was depressed first and I couldn’t handle that, I became depressed by osmosis. Being with a man, whose main quality was an even, happy, disposition, start going downhill, freaked me out. It was hard to see him suffer, to lose interest in things, to sleep a lot, to hate his commute, to not pay attention to me. The most he paid attention to was his stupid and annoying cell phone where he could be distracted easily with e-mails, “Words With Friends” or other games.

This was not the man I married, almost 25 years ago. We’re working it out. Approaching our twenty-fifth anniversary, maybe that’s what’s bothering me too. We don’t know what to do, where to go, we are not fighting about it all, we just don’t seem to care enough now plus the weather where we would want to go would be hurricane season, no thank you. Our relationship started changing before my daughter and I went on our Florida trip when he was being cheap and mean-spirited, again being passive-aggressive, I didn’t recognize that man. As time went on we tricked ourselves into thinking it was fixed but apparently it is still broken; I am still broken.

I could blame some of it on the stifling weather we have had for three weeks in a row, my Fibromyalgia and my auto-immune disease (Hashimoto Thyroiditis) but I have had them for years and I was a lot happier before. I’m not sure what to do. I was found by my old best friend, a woman who I was friends with when I was seven yet I feel like I lost my best friend. Is it my husband or my real best girlfriend in Long Island, who doesn’t stay in touch? Probably both. I’ve stopped trying, I don’t even want to try, which is really sad. Do I even have the strength to say good-bye to her? I can’t say.

Bear-Woman, you are young and strong and I envy that and I am proud of you. You have time to sit down in the sun and wait it out. Whatever you are going through, I know you will make it through just fine, I have no doubt. I picture you on a mountain top somewhere, living with Nature, with a soaring eagle nearby and you in hiking boots on her way to the top. I don’t have the drive to do much of anything, but I feel good in knowing that you do.

Best of luck in your search, I have no doubt that happiness will find you, there is no need for you to even look.

Your friend,

Hibernationnow.wordpress.com

all photos are property of the photographer.

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6 thoughts on “Dear Bear,

  1. Dear Laurie and Bear Woman,

    I know life can be challenging. I know too, Bear will get you through! Ash is right. We are here for you, and although we seem to each be going through such tough times, I keep the hope that we will get out time together. We will talk and laugh, and that will help us. Women need friends, just like men do. We need each other, like we had in our best childhood friends. Mine doesn’t communicate with me anymore, and that is sad to me. Sometimes, I dream about her. Or, little things remind me of her. Yesterday, I was walking and when I looked down at my feet (I can’t recall why I did that), they reminded me of hers. Strange how memories are implanted deeply in our minds, like the Spirit of Bear is deep in your heart.

    Wishing you better days to come my friend and spirit sister! I love you.

    Hugs and Dogkisses,
    Your friend,
    Michelle (LGB)

    Like

  2. Dear Laurie,

    Yes, the Bear has quite the spirit, courage, and determination, and she will get thru this, as she has gotten thru so much else that life has thrown at her, much of it unfairly. She will climb her mountain to the top, and find exaltation in the view, and exhileration in discovering just how high and how far she can climb. She is quite the woman, and I am very proud of her, too.

    I like to think that we are, all of us, iron of varying qualities, and this experience of Life is a forge, where we will be plunged into the fire, made malleable, beaten and hammered down, quenched in cool water, and then, inevitably, plunged back into the fire again, as we are shaped by Life. Some of us will become fine blades, and a well made sword is a thing of beauty and grace, but some of us will not be suitable for that, and may become a plow, a spade, a spoon. Some of us will break early, and be melted down, to be re-forged. But some, some of us will become the finest of swords, beauty and grace under the most difficult conditions.

    But there is no way to get there without first walking thru the fire, being shaped by the events of our life, and coming out stronger on the other side.

    You, my soul-sister, and I, and the Bear Woman, we are all walking thru the fire right now. But we will all get thru this period in our lives, and I am here for you, as much as I can be. Today is better than yesterday, and I hope it will be for you, too. One day at a time, that is the only way I know to do it. Sometimes, one moment, one breath, at a time, when the pain of the fire is so very great.

    Know that I Love you, dear Laurie, and that I have faith you, too, will make it thru this fire, and be happy again.

    Like

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