These Things, These Days

Tide Pool 003

Tide Pool 003 (Photo credit: Sunburned Surveyor)

A penny flipped mid-air,  the sound of dripping water from an old rusty pipe, white pistachio ice cream in an orange, ceramic bowl. Many, many things will happen during the day, most won’t leave an impression, but some will, things you may have not even have noticed consciously. What have you remembered in the corners of your mind?  The pop of very dark, red blood on my ankle after I cut myself, fixing the sink without asking for my husband’s help and my subsequent satisfaction, the texture and exquisite taste of lemon cheesecake swirling on my tongue.

Still not feeling happy but not feeling as depressed, it may take a while. Being on this plateau is fine with me, I am not complaining. I am trying to place the world in different compartments.  There are parts of myself I do not like, I need to own these. I am less patient than I used to be, I am unkind when pushed straight up against a brick wall, lately, I get angry more easily, sadder too; I am most definitely, flawed.

Relationships, each one, are so hard. Our age must be a part of it. We are the aging boomers.Is it our age? . Not so much peace, love and rock n’ roll anymore. Who has the time, the money, the stress free life? There are no relationship that are easy, they all need work and nurturing.  Just what is the right ratio? You only know when you have bumped up against it. Things hurt me more than most but that is something I can’t change, people have called me an Empath Intuitive, for what that is worth. I need to know more about this. Anyone?

I try to let things roll off my back but they get stuck. I am too sensitive, yes I know. I’m sorry. When people show coldness it feels like stabbing to me. Whoever said “karma is a bitch” first is so deadly right but that is how we learn, isn’t it? The lessons we need to learn usually come from within us.

I feel my mood slipping away, as if I were once again, caught in a tide pool of waves crashing around me. For all the majestic beauty of the ocean it can also be terrifying, disturbing and very dark. When I was a teenager I wandered away for a very long time, stayed away for hours, longer than I ever had, hoping that someone would miss me. Many hours later, I came back  waiting for the howls of relief that I had returned and the shrieks of “where have you been, young lady?” but no one had even noticed that I had gone.

Where is my energy, (not just because I have Fibromyalgia but even before the diagnosis?  Where was my fight, my determination, my drive? I feel like I’m a 33 record in a 45 playing world. (ask your parents!)

My red-brown dog, Lexi, lies against my legs, her show of affection, I still miss my first dog, Callie. You don’t forget love. You can’t, it’s impossible, If only it was that easy. Love lies in your memory and your heart, it reminds you of what you have done wrong and what you have done right. It shows us all that we are fallible and vulnerable. Live your life, but stop and tell the important people you love that YOU LOVE them. Now, before it’s too late while riding the ups and downs of life. I’ve always hated roller coasters. In life, we have no choice but to hold on tight.

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5 thoughts on “These Things, These Days

  1. I am right here with you, riding the roller coaster, too. Mine is because of withdrawal, because of PAWS, but knowing why doesn’t really matter… it’s still a wild ride, grief and depression, anger and fear, a few rare moments of clarity and something like happinessn before being washed over by another wave of PAWS, and the feeling of the hour.
    I started writing a blog post about the emotional firestorm of this days ago, but the days have slipped by in a haze, and it sits there, an unfinished draft. It is called “Walking Through the Fire,” because I realized some weeks ago that this was not a process I could hide from… I can only embrace it, every burning, stinging, moment of it, and walk through it and out the other side. I want the passion back in my life. It’s been missing a long time, and if this is what it takes to get it back, then let the fire burn!

    Anyway, sorry I am rambling on. It’s been a rough day with another adrenal issue popping up. I’m getting better at managing these, though!

    Know I’m thinking of you, that you are Loved, that I understand the intuitive/empath thing and can help, once I get my head screwed on straight. For now, take a listen to this – Kansas is still touring, and IMHO, sounds better than they did back in the day! Nice version, backed by orchestra – has gotten me through some very dark nights of the soul recently…

    *gentle hugs*
    Ash

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  2. Being of the same vintage as you I completely relate to your post. I too have always hated roller coasters and loved the music and lyrics of Jackson Browne. Thanks for sharing. Love Jenna

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