I Already Said I’m Imbalanced So Shut Up

English: The Clown and the tightrope walker, Painter:Herbert Schondelmaier (my own painting) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just bought a cane. A dull pink one straight from the pharmacy. If it really helps my balance issue I will special order a  cane that will have turquoise and a tiny bit of shiny silver and beautifully polished wood. I don’t give a damn how much it costs because I consider this a medical expense not to mention a psychological one.

I know my balance problems have declined in the last three weeks. I am tripping over my feet and I don’t know why. Yes, we all know i have Fibromyalgia but while imbalance is a symptom, it’s gotten worse. The fact that I can’t walk a straight line cold stone sober scares me too. I have some testing to do in the next few weeks. I don’t expect miracles, trust me.

Just as I don’t mind the small amount of gray in my hair, I don’t really mind having a cane to lean on but in general, I have days when I am sick of being sick. Sick, frustrated, easily exhausted and annoyed. This illness is stealing my life away, more now than ever. On a good day I can do one errand, possibly two. I hate it, I hate it,  damn you. I am allowing myself to get angry at my life  today, like a five-year old having a temper tantrum, this is mine.

I try not to play the Before and After game but I’m going for it now. I deserve to play that game, damn it. I had a lot of energy, I had two small children,  twenty-one months apart.  I guess I’m grateful I had energy when I most NEEDED IT.

My body literally shut down at the age of fifty.  It started with menopause then my thyroid went out of whack, after that  my life turned into a living hell. I had aches and pains all over, I felt like i had the flu but without the fever. I couldn’t move, all I did was sleep, every part of my body was screaming in pain. My internist ignored me, she literally turned her back to me and walked out of the examining room while I was crying and said “There’s nothing more I can do for you.” Bitch.

I acquired an autoimmune disease of the thyroid called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and  Fibromyalgia which is now considered by some to be an auto-immune disease or a nerve disease.  Fibromyalgia is the name of a wide spectrum of symptoms: IBS, Chronic Pain, Imbalance,  Sleep Disorders, NO ENERGY, no balance and basically, no Life.  True, it is not life threatening but it at the very least, it destroys the quality of my life. “Life disabling”, that is what it what I would call it because it will never go away,  it is a disability for life. I can’t apply for jobs even though I know I need the money. I applied for a job a couple of months ago, they knew I had Fibromyalgia and didn’t even invite me in for an interview, legal or illegal? I did allow them to look at my blog…

Life is not fair and mostly I just suck it up but today, I need to let it out. All of my friends with this same dreadful, clinging, chronic illness will understand, but will you?

Here’s some advice to the outside world, those lucky people who haven’t even heard of this strange illness:

Don’t ask us if it’s real or in our heads? Be willing to let us explain and really hear us. Please do not let us hear you say “you just need more exercise.” And don’t say “But you don’t look sick.” Ever.

I’m coming out of the closet. I’m coming out of the closet with my new pink cane, Now, you can’t say my illness is invisible anymore, right? Will that make my life easier and better? Not a chance.

PS WHY AREN’T WE ALLOWED TO GET DISABILITY?

Photo credits listed.

Too much walking (Photo credit: betta design)