i’ve hunkered down, too tired, overwhelmed to care about anything, just want to lie down quietly and recover. recover just from the world of medicine and tests and bad vibrations all around me and doctors who make me cry and don’t even acknowledge it because they frankly don’t care, it’s not their job. i thought the younger doctors had been taught differently but no, not yet. sad statement for people in the medical world, in my medical world. i’m tired, so tired that my arms can barely reach the keyboards and my fingers click the keyboard automatically.
i still live in fear of the balance test i had two days ago, alone in this capsule-like, completely dark, dark what? it wasn’t a room or a cubicle it was literally like a big capsule whose black door slid open until you were seated belted in and then everything was completely black. you could hear a woman’s voice telling you what to do, to focus on the red lines or the black keys or the white keys as i was tilted and spun like the nightmare of a scary amusement park that i shy away from. this was one living nightmare and mere will to figure out this problem and self control made me complete that test, it lasted at least over an hour and then it spun me quickly and i had to hold my stomach in order not to get sick. that was just the first part.
there was one lucid thought that popped into my brain that said being imbalalnced and using a pink cane is better than what i was being subjected too but i couldn’t stop and start the test, it had to be done all at once. so after the darkened, claustrophobic capsule i was led by the arm to another room where i could lie down with heavy glasses on my face and again, the room was pitch black. again i had to follow red dots, first slowly than quickly and talk to the tester to keep my brain active and say things like a boys name that starts with v is victor, a boys name that starts with b is bob, a boy’s name that starts with g is glen…you get the idea. more darkness, a different position, i had to fall back, the trust game and i did not trust have learned not to trust any physican but again, i was stuck so here i was in the darkened room having to quickly twist my neck, first left and then right, feeling my muscles tense and then flop on my back trusting nobody but not having a choice.
my only strength coming from the fact that i need to find out where my imbalance is coming from, so i can get rid of the cane and feel more confident and i am sure they will suggest occupational or physical therapy after they get the results of the cat scan or mri or whatever they are scanning my brain, once again, and i will be tempted not to go to the place, which immediately as you arrive, smells like an old hospital smell which turns me off, and flips my stomach over immediately.
i can’t go on like this.