My favorite color: Yellow.
I have to look inside for the color yellow to make me smile, like this bouncy seahorse, sure to entertain.
How can you not smile and laugh when you look at this charming creature?
My favorite color: Yellow.
I have to look inside for the color yellow to make me smile, like this bouncy seahorse, sure to entertain.
How can you not smile and laugh when you look at this charming creature?
Translucent drops glow
Sunshine laughs, rain kissed
strands of grass, blessed, pray.
Rainbow specks, water
glisten on yellow tulips
Somewhere horses play.
I admit, you were a very bad puppy when you were young but I’m sorry I called you Lucifer and the “Puppy From Hell.” You really acted like the devil incarnate but I should have kept those feelings to myself. I thought you would never change from that biting, horrific puppy you were, EVER. My friends told me you would grow up but I honestly didn’t believe them; you were nasty and mean and had that defiant puppy look in your eyes, that “dare me” look. I remember screaming out loud in agony when your dagger like teeth would bite and hold on to my flesh. I had red, swollen welts and scratches all over my arms and legs. We all did.
My mother would be on the phone and I would shriek in pain and would have to hang up and call her back because I had to physically detach your teeth from my wrist. I swear you were out to kill me. My mother, protective as always, was completely direct and told me to “give you back.” “Return her, right now” she said, “before you get more attached.”
I couldn’t do it. I just did not have the heart to return you to the shelter, it’s not who I am. But honestly, you were a living hell. We had trainers come, one after the other, some of the best in the United States, all of them shook their heads and said “she’s a willful thing, isn’t she?” We already knew that. You had dragged me into a dirty pond when you were six months old, I hadn’t realized your strength. I didn’t give up the leash because I had no idea where you would go, so you pulled me in after you. I have a photo of you and me, me and my white, muddy pants coming home with you, puppy, looking quite pleased.
You went into our garbage cans, and ate used tissues and ballpoint pens, leaving ink stains everywhere. You were always wild, once you got yourself stuck in a fence and I thought for sure your head would be decapitated but your “sister” figured out a way to dig you out. Thank her, I was useless. You always ran away, we could never find you, though you always loved food and would return for a nice, big, juicy treat. “Breaking Bad” was the name of a popular television show, “Being Bad” was your personal motto.
Then, from one day to another, I couldn’t even pin point the time, you changed. All of a sudden, you calmed down and were always near me. If I was sick, you would jump on the bed and lie with me, part of you always touching me. With a chronic pain illness, Fibromyalgia, I’m in bed a lot and you are at my side, always. In the living room you would always climb on the couch and settle down right next to the person sitting there. After that you settled down and gave sweet kisses and charmed everyone. You love people. You even offered your paw, like Lassie.
But when a stranger passes or someone knocks on the door, BEWARE! You growl, bark, show your teeth, protect us. A car door can slam and you are on the job. But, now, you are one big love, one sweet endearing, mush and I appreciate you every minute. I guess we both needed to learn to be more patient.
Now, you are in my lap and I’m giving you pieces of chicken, it’s just you and me. I love you, Lexi but you know that and I know you love me too.
everything i could never tell you
I’m sorry, baby girl, I was barely a teen then, I didn’t know there was a name for what your mama had. I just knew she closed herself in her bedroom, turned the lights off and had me babysit you every afternoon. She hid under the covers because she was really sad and all you could hear from her bedroom was her sobbing. I kept the television on to try to protect you from the sounds.
You know, back then, it didn’t even have a name, just crazy. Your mama was chronically depressed and it is like every other illness but years ago it was shameful. Thank God, now, people know more and there are medications and no shame involved.
When I would walk up one flight of dusty, gray stairs, your smile would brighten your entire face like sunshine and your cheeks would turn rosy pink as soon as you saw me. Your mama would scream sometimes, but she couldn’t control herself. Oh, I know you pity yourself but I’m sure it was not easy for her, she was very sad every minute of every day. Yes, it WAS hard for you but you are a grown-up now, can you now think about what it was like for her?
What I remember most, for some funny reason, is that she used to make two pale chicken legs in the toaster oven. Oil or butter turning into bubbles on those nasty looking legs. You must have eaten them after I left but I kept thinking “where was the rice and the salad?” Was there bread and butter to eat? I could picture you and your mama eating one sickly yellow chicken leg each and you drinking your glass of milk.
Your mom never let you have candy so with my babysitting money I would hold your hand and take you into the candy store and let you pick out a chocolate bar and tell you it was our secret. I didn’t care about lying to your mom, she wouldn’t even have noticed. I just wanted you to have a little happiness in your life, I wanted you to be able to be a kid for a short time, anyway. Your eyes would glisten like stars on a dark night, with happiness and excitement, you were lit up like electricity in a lamp.
I met you for lunch once when we were both adults, I didn’t know you anymore. You hated your parents, you hated everything, nothing but hate and coldness inside you. This was way before your older sister became sick too and I adored her as well. I know you were wonderful to her, you did everything for her and everyone knew that, there was the goodness in you.That sweet little girl came back to be her sister’s angel, but when she died, it died too.
We didn’t know about the funeral, no one told us. As soon as we found out we raced to your mom’s apartment where your cold, icy, blue eyes looked through us. I wanted to hug you, but you didn’t let anyone close enough to even say we were sorry. Why? You were blaming us for something we had no control over but you were the queen of control, right?
You built a wall around you of law books and court rooms and tennis-playing friends. I hope you are happy now. But, I wanted to say something that I never could say before: I missed my sweet baby for a long time. The little girl you were, the innocent, happy child that would race to sit on my lap.What happened to her? My one question is “do you even remember her, that sweet sunny child, you were?” Because if not, that would be a damn shame. A damn shame.
Is Plinky dead? I have tried to get prompts but I haven’t gotten any. When I try to use the search I get the oldest ones first and there is no way to see the new ones. I’m wondering… I asked the “support group” a question a few weeks back about using images that were recently advertised ( I was shocked but thrilled) and ( I won’t mention any names) their reply was the weakest, most uncaring, and unresponsive answer I have ever read in my life. Basically it said, “Yeah, we said it but it’s not true, that’s the way it is, we aren’t trying to fix it and no effort is being made to fix it in the future, kind of like, ever.” That was my interpretation. This is the real answer in part “I’m afraid Plinky is not being actively developed — we don’t have any plans to make improvements other than fixing critical bugs to keep the service running. I know that is not the answer that you had wanted, though it is the transparent one. ” Actually, I prefer my answer. What exactly did this mean?
I started getting suspicious at that point. Since then, no prompts. I’m just saying it would have been nice to get the obituary. Did I miss it? Did anyone else get it? Gosh, was I the only one who didn’t get it? I’m not saying I can’t live without the prompts but they were fun (although not when they were repeating them for the fourth time in a short time period.) Hey, I could think of some prompts. How much are you going to pay me? I’m sure I could come up with better ones and more original ones than the ones you used.
Now, I fully admit, my computer is wonky, so it could be just me and that it’s just my computer problem and Plinky Prompts are going to everyone else except me. Can one of my friends let me know? That is entirely possible. Can someone at Plinky give me an update? It would be nice to get an email or some communication letting us know if you have dropped Plinky officially or if you are on a hiatus.
Sometimes we need a push and sometimes we need a break. What up?
The first real snowfall, pretty white flakes clinging to trees. Ice is slippery and
frightening. The sky is first black and white but when it clears for a moment or two
the sun comes out and makes these branches glisten.
Dear Ms Andrews,
I’ll be honest I can’t forget that when I was little and bumped into you at FAO Schwartz and my father asked you for your autograph for little, shy, sweet me, you said “NO” coldly and harshly. I heard you. I remember thinking “how could she be so mean? ” Well you were, there were no other people around us but you simply and COLDLY said no, and walked away abruptly. Who would do that to a little girl? Mary Poppins would never do that. Apparently, you had no such problem. I was devastated that you acted so coldly my dad was furious at my crestfallen face.
However, I still adored your movies: Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music. It is for this reason alone, my loyalty to you as a fan of your movies that I refused to watch Carrie Underwood in the live performance of “The Sound of Music” on television earlier this week.I have always been “brand loyal.” I know all about the Broadway play, my sister saw that but I was devoted to the movie version. I knew every word by heart, I sang every song proudly albeit not in tune.
I wanted to remember Julie Andrews the way she was in the movie I adored her characters and her singing voice and still watched her movies when I was feeling blue or nostalgic. I used to watch that movie many times with my dad and my mom. My mom she was from Germany and my dad from Austria.
I will stay loyal to your movies and to your songs, to the characters you played. They will live on in my mind and heart forever. Just do me a favor, think about how a cold, nasty “no” can stick in someone’s memory after so many years. Your resiliency as an actor speaks loudly of your talent but definitely not of your real character.
“When you get into a tight place you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” Harriet Beecher Stowe
“Bitches,” Anna growled underneath her breath, what the fuck do they know? These stupid clichéd words were written on a huge, dumb banner in bright red, thick letters right when you walked into the room. A bare room with folding chairs, a typical support group, she was there for what they called “Substance Abuse.” Yeah, you know, weed, coke, meth, snow, uppers and downers and whatever shit she could find to snort up her nose or inject into her spidery veins.
She had gone to court appointed meetings from jail, not like she had a choice, she had gotten busted, “possession of illegal drugs.” Big deal. She only had two more “meetings” to go to get her out of prison and then she would be free. These fools knew nothing. They didn’t even know that right here in the audience she was high. Hopefully, if she was careful, she could score coke after the meeting but that was tricky.
What did these rich, entitled “group leaders” know about suffering and pain? They stood up there beaming, wearing their matching navy skirts and blazers and talking to us like we were a lower species. Oh sure, they said they had gone through the program too. Really? Maybe they used coke twice or three times at a party and got busted or hooked and their CFO husbands had found out so they went to some private, fancy, swimming pool facility in a secluded area in the Berkshires or San Diego where it is warm.
They were probably in for two weeks, paid the fine and out. Simple, easy, if you have money and a really good lawyer. That stupid banner was not for people like me, it was for people like them. Didn’t they get it? The world is divided into those who have and those who have not. My wicked step-mother is one of those kind of people, she lives in the land of entitlement, in a suburb in a big mansion, except there’s no room for her stepdaughter, you know, me the drug addict.
She and my daddy can have five martinis plus and smoke cigarettes but I’m not allowed to sleepover, damn hypocrites with their “own” children now. You know what? You don’t always learn when you are “in a tight place.” Got that? It’s not FOR everyone. Me? I’ve been pushed into a lot of tight places in my life, gray, dusty, tiny, urine smelling corners and what did I learn? I learned to get out of that space and find another. That’s it. Some people like tiny spaces, especially those whose daddy don’t love them any more.
There you have it twinkle-toes. “Tides don’t always turn” and maybe I don’t want this tide to turn. Face it, my daddy and I used to be so close, and now he doesn’t even talk to me. She made him like that, I know it. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now, the wicked witch of the north changed him and now I’m trash. So, you see that corner I’m in? Once I get out, I’m hitching a ride to NYC, to live in the streets with my fellow bums, to get drunk every single day with beer and cheap box wine and at night score drugs until I’m dead and gone. You think I want to be alive? Hell no.
20 RANDOM THINGS I LIKE:
The year is slowly coming to an end, the weeks are flying by. I’ve put together a current list of things that make me happy. Life can be hard, you need to appreciate the little things, here are twenty of mine:
1) Alex and Sierra (From the X Factor)
2) Miniature Almond Joys
I love these and their cousin Mounds but here you get an added crunch of the almond. I LOVE coconut, the taste lingers on your lips after you finish it. Don’t tell my dentist but if I have one of these before I go to bed I “accidentally” forget to brush my teeth. It’s so worth it. The only reason I added Mini is because if I have the regular size I start to feel guilty. ( You can’t possibly feel guilty after eating one of those.) Win-Win.
3) My Christmas (Thanksgiving) Cactus
Every year at Thanksgiving our Christmas cactus starts to sprout beautiful, bright red flowers. I guess our cactus is always early (like my whole family) and shows up ahead of schedule. Seeing some bright red color when the winter is so gray makes me happy.
4) Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (the movie) The one movie that divides sisters! I love it and my sister hates it.
5) The time 8:32. On the way to junior high school, I would always look out the window while I was standing in the overcrowded, adolescent, odorous teenage filled bus. We passed a bank near our school and there was a big sign with the time, every morning we passed,it said 8:32. For some reason, that number when seen, still makes me happy.
6) Believing in messages from those who have passed on and getting them for me or a friend. Powerful. Spiritual: “Love Does Not Die” ( Post)
7) I like the way my husband orders his french fries: “Can you make them extra crispy please?”
8) My friend Denise’s nut tarts. I have a friend who bakes the most delicious, bite size nut tarts, she could sell these professionally, they are like a work of edible art. Bite sized carmelized pecan heaven, I’m almost glad I don’t see her often. Addictive.
9) Avegelemno soup, from our local Greek restaurant. Tangy, lemony with pieces of chicken and rice. Served with soft, puffy pita bread.
10) Goldfish (the living kind not the crackers) I had a goldfish named Frank that I loved dearly, umm, it died and it was all my fault. I overfed it. I still feel guilty and this was many years ago. I’m so sorry, Frank. R.I.P.
11) The sun and the color Yellow (see my weekly posts on Yellow Magic Madness)
12) A body of water (any kind) ocean, lake, stream, pond…This is where I feel happiest, close to water.
13) Nature. As I get older I want to spend more and more time outside surrounded by mother nature. It was not that important to me when I was younger. Age gives you experience, wrinkles too but it also gives you wisdom. I like to be outside, weather permitting, as much as possible. Even with Fibromyalgia, I try to force myself outside when I can.
14) Vacation: For the last few years I haven’t had anything to look forward to in a major way. Sure, I look forward to see my friends or to go out to dinner but having something special to look forward to months from now is incredibly joyful. We are planning a trip with my mom in the Spring and I am looking
forward to that, more than I can explain. I definitely need something once a year, it will be my New Rule for myself. It doesn’t have to be anything big but it does have to be SOMETHING.
15) Jelly Doughnuts: We have them on New Year’s Eve, a European Tradition but I had one the other day while my husband had a Boston Creme Pie doughnut just for the fun of it. Delicious. Thank you, Dunkin Donuts.
16) Singing out loud (and off-key) to music streaming from my computer (classic 70’s pop rock, Bruce,
17) Listening to my husband whistle, happily. My father used to whistle happy tunes all the time, when my husband whistles it also reminds me of my dad, and that’s a good memory.
18) Pizza (There is no such thing as bad pizza, when it is leftover pizza and is too dry or it loses its taste, add strawberry jam.) I’m serious.
19) Books (Real books that I hold in my hand, no techno devices) Call me old-fashioned.
Equating kindness with money is a complete misconception.You don’t need to make a grand gesture to be kind to someone. You don’t have to pay their entire bill at a restaurant when you don’t have enough money. It doesn’t mean writing a large check to a charity, you can send only what you can afford. It can cost nothing but a conscious thought. These days I try to be CONSCIOUS of my actions and interactions during the day. I try to think before I speak, I try to think before I think and no, that’s not a typo.
My intentions are good, they come from a good place inside me. However, their impact may not always shine through. That’s a problem that I need to work on. I may be perfectly happy and walk down the street with a frown, thinking about money problems or something unsettling. The fact that I’m frowning gives off bad vibes to other people, so I am trying to change that before I start. I really have practiced grinning when I find my muscles tighten, it actually works and it does pull me out of whatever (foul) mood I am in. It’s contagious too. I try to say hello to everyone, not everyone answers back but that’s fine, some reply, some smile, some ignore, most people react in a wonderful way. It’s a small thing but it is a kind thing to do. There’s too little of that in this world.
The holidays are rough for me and for many others. Many people don’t know that or understand that, most people don’t talk about it. I’ve never been shy to talk about my emotions. I get in trouble for that sometimes but I’m too old to care. The only gift of getting older is wisdom. If your heart is in the right place, if you are being kind and gracious that’s all that truly matters. You are not frozen in terror like you used to be when you were younger when you kept asking and re-asking yourself if you did the right thing. You do the very best you can with pure intentions and an open heart.
Examples of things to do with NO money involved:
Hold the door open for someone.
Let them get ahead of you in line at the grocery store.
Pay for your cup of coffee and tell the server you want to pay for the next person too.
Smile and say hello to the next 5 people you meet.
If you know a family is struggling, why not ask how you can help them? Or, just help them.
The list can go on and on, it’s just that in our busy lives we sometimes forget to think about others and that’s normal. So, today, why don’t you put two or three minutes aside and see how you can make the world a nicer place, a kinder place. It costs you nothing and you get back in return, everything. Let’s make kindness the new normal. Thanks!