What, Exactly, Is Happiness?

Rice pudding bowl

Rice pudding bowl (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I thought the  rice pudding that my husband bought me from the diner would make me happy but it just made me feel momentarily content. Twice. Now, there’s only one small portion left from the giant trough that he brought home on Sunday night. One, huge, tub of home-made rice pudding, the Reddi Whip had already melted, making it look like a floating swan on water, peaceful, gliding, making no trouble at all. A sensory satisfaction of taste.

It appeared to be a raisin and cinnamon revolution. Rice pudding with no raisins and no cinnamon? I was briefly unnerved but it was so tasty, rich, sweet and creamy that I really couldn’t complain. Tonight, the last night, I added my own raisins and cinnamon. For my tasting pleasure, now it is gone.

I need strength to feel settled tonight. I’m scared, there are just too many potential problems for too many people going on in the next three months. I’m much better when the time is NOW than weeks ahead of time but inside I know I am freaking out. Trembling as my bones quiver from the inside out, shaking so that anyone who knows me can see.

Too many people I love are sick at the same time. I am feeling at an all time low, physically and emotionally. My shoulders ache, the pain in my back still digs into me, not letting go or it moves to surprise me, to the side. Poke, Stab, Poke. Winter, does not just weigh heavily on the branches of the naked tree limbs but also on my tightened shoulders that lock in place; it takes hours for the heating pad to barely loosen them. I’ve tried the steamy hot baths, bath salts…nothing helps.

Maybe, I should just give up on Winter. This year, I was promised that I  could go to someplace warm to soothe my aching bones and muscles, and again, another lay off. No one’s fault. It’s just the way the world works these days. Trust no one. You are not safe.

Protect Yourself.

What is happiness, anyway?

It’s elusive.

A distant memory, aging photographs, some distinct thoughts of the past. Maybe it’s age or money or just a state of mind. I can’t seem to see it at the moment….

If I don’t have it, it doesn’t mean I don’t want YOU to have it, it just makes me a little sad to see those with luck, get luckier and those who are down on their luck, stay there and go deeper under the icy cold, black abyss.

My real friends understand, I don’t need to tell them I am hurting, they know. Or, if I mumble a quick “fine” or “I’m good” they will look into my eyes, the pathway to my soul and understand. THEY don’t look away. They stick with me through all days.

True Friendship.

True Friendship=Happiness

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5 thoughts on “What, Exactly, Is Happiness?

  1. Sometimes, it’s not about “happy” or “unhappy.” Sometimes, it’s about just being okay with what you have, about appreciating the tiny moments of beauty and joy that are there, just waiting to be discovered – even amongst all the pain & misery & sickness. I know, Laurie – I, of all people, know. I haven’t left my house in months except to go to te doctor. I spend most of the day in bed. Daily migraines, topped by hormonal & weather migraines & this stupid sinus infection and on top of all that, or maybe it’s really underneath all that, runs deep the current, the river of pain & misery of ME/CFS, fibro, inflammatory arthritis, Lyme… AND YET, despite all that, everyday i find something – many somethings – that are beautiful and bring me joy, even if only for a few fleeting moments.
    But it is enough. Enough to keep going. Enough to keep looking for answers.

    A few days ago i stood on the deck and looked at all the trails the wildlife have made in the snow around my home – and smiled.

    A few days before that, i bundled up and spent 10 minutes exploring some of the tracks close to the house, and found a fox’s trail, and PokeyPossum’s tracks, and where deer had both walked and run, and maybe, just maybe, a few bear tracks, but they led too far down the hill (mountain) to follow.

    This was what i went to college for, what i loved all my life – only to have it taken away 15 years ago. But those 10 minutes, tracking in the snow – those were *golden*

    Sometimes it’s a glorious sunset; or the way the snow swirls as it falls. Sometimes it’s how the zero degree air feels when it passes through my nose; or the green glimmer of sun on my bedside bonsai tree.
    Sometimes it’s my daughter’s giggle or smile: or the dog’s goofy antics.

    But there is always something. Some moment. Something to hold onto. Something to look forward to – a surprise moment of Grace, waiting just around the corner. And that, my soul’s sister, that is the key to living with these illnesses. Using the time it affords us to find those moments of Grace, Beauty, and sudden, inexplicable, Joy, that are there, just waiting for us to discover them.
    Trust me – they are there.
    Look for the beauty in every day – or make your own.
    I Love you, Laurie ~ and the Love, trust, and bond, between us, between the three sisters, that is a very, very, beautiful thing ~ a Gift of Grace.



  2. Oh Laurie, my heart aches as I read this… I wish I could do something to ease the pain, both physical and emotional! I feel the loneliness you do in my own way, for different reasons. But it was such a blessing to see you today, and you made both me and my little girl just giddy with happiness! I agree with you that friendship is happiness. You have mine. Love, Mina


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