Dear Ellen, I hope you don’t mind me addressing this to you, I just need someone to listen, someone who cares about other people. I thought you were the right person even though I’m sure you will NEVER see it. That’s okay. With the exception of a few best friends I’ve learned the hard way that other people are too busy in their own lives to care.
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.
I guess I’m trying to think and talk out loud here. I’m lost, and have no idea what happened to me, I have no idea who I am either though I used to know so clearly.
Have I just become a mountain of symptoms trying to blend themselves together in a jig saw puzzle where no piece fits? I’ve made changes, I stay away from negative people, I try to be as kind as possible and pay it forward when I can but still trouble follows me like a black cloud.
Believe me, I am NOT asking for pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity, if I want pity I give it to myself, underneath my three layers of blankets, with the door shut tight, my dog lying next to me on my bed. I don’t want pep talks either, encouraging me that it “is just a phase.” This phase is my life and I have accepted it, I just don’t understand it. When I try to fight against the “down” period, people tell me not to do that and to be positive. Everything is a mixed message.
You have the natural talent to bring joy to others just by being yourself, I love that.
Right now, I am a huge collection of symptoms that I don’t mind sharing, I’m 57, there are people who are 97 that are healthier than I am. From head to toe: narrow angled glaucoma (eyes) many, MANY painful treatments in my eyes to try to correct that, but its a life long condition, hearing loss (had stapedectomy-operation for ears) the dreaded Eppiglottitis, I don’t wish on my worst enemy, I shiver at the thought, (open, gaping wounds below the throat,) horrific TMJ, shooting pains from my jaw/ear to my brain causing me to scream with agony caused by any random thing and some other facial myalgia the doctors threw at me) which I don’t even count. I have IBS, Fibromyalgia, Fatigue, No energy, Chronic muscle and joint pain, Fibro Fog (not remembering something someone said a minute ago.) General Anxiety Disorder, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (an auto immune disease of the thyroid) foot pain, wait, the most recent one and most deadly, Kidney Failure, Stage 3? (No one ever told me about Stage one or two) I think I’ll stop here.
Now for the social things, I can’t work because of the above illnesses, my husband was laid off for the second time and still is not working. We have two fabulous children who are attending two different state universities and a dog (our second) I rescued from a shelter.
I want you to know that we ARE thankful for our blessings, we truly are. Writing this down makes me realize that even more.Thank you for listening, sometimes it is good to write it down and look at it on paper.
But, am I jinxed? Is this what they call “going through a rough patch?” Whenever I feel I’ve reached bottom something else happens. Do you only know where the bottom is when you finally start climbing up slowly? Isn’t it possible to stay down here forever?
I guess I just have to accept what is going on now, breathe slowly in and out and believe that something good will happen. Someday.
Please don’t “like” this post. I don’t.
just starting the testing with the new guy and he is thorough. he was quite shocked. so it will be a lot of waiting, tomorrow i get the blood tests and give in my “jug.” hopefully he has my last records of the kidney levels which have been off for ten years. it’s a nightmare but i’m taking things one day at a time. not even hysterical or nervous. just doing what i have to do. there is no other choice.funny my sister has kidney problems too…..will keep you updated. thank you all for your support. LOVE, laurie
I agree with Judy and Rosemary Lee….the honesty that comes from so deep within you resonates in this post. I do like that you could put voice to the feelings you are having.
Also, with Rosemary Lee….Stage 3 Kidney Disease? What happened? What are the treatments they have prescribed? Oh how you must feel like you have been beaten up! Hugs to you my dear.
No platitudes, no sharing of feelings, nothing like that right now. I know I’m not Ellen, but I promise I can listen.
Big Gentle Hugs….as much as you can stand.
Don’t care if you like it – I like it because it’s honest and it’s YOU.
Sometimes the only sense I can make out of what I have (and what I don’t have) is to be aware that “it” has connected me to others like you Laurie – people that I would never have known if it weren’t for my aches, pains, life’s groans and moans.
I do know that not being in great health has changed my life in really horrible and truly wonderful ways . . . go figure.
I’m with Ms. Judy…. It is honest and it is you. What happened with the kidney disease???? WTF???? Stage 3???? When do you go to the doctor again?? Please let me know whats going on. Hugs dear one!!