Haters Gonna Hate Myself

I’m trying NOT to feel it, that feeling of FRUSTRATION. I’m sucking in my anger so hard that my belly is rippling over my white jeans and billowing over like a big cloud. A big, black blustery storm cloud.

I’m so done, I know I have to keep on going for as long as it takes but I’m getting my feelings out here because it is safe. I can’t make any plans to do anything or go anywhere because my husband still doesn’t have a job and we are both going stir crazy. I would be much more impulsive and try something new but that’s NOT his style.

We don’t know where we are going to live (I’m breathing a little too heavily now) but we can’t live where we are living too much longer. One more winter here, that’s about all I can take. That’s all I WILL take, though this is a familiar phrase.

I’m fine 99 percent of the time but there are moments, like these, that the stress keeps piling up and it’s as if I am in the middle of the globe and arrows are pointing at me from every single angle. They are not welcoming me, they are stabbing me. I say I can’t take it any more but I know I have no choice.  I’m here to support and encourage and look for a job in a local bakery except I can’t lift 50 pounds, darn it.

Things need to change but I’ve said that for almost one year, I’ve always been scared of change and part of me still is but I can’t afford to deal with that now. I’m scared to be here and I’m scared to leave, but I’m in the middle of nothing, of trudging  through thick, brown, suffocating mud. One more minute and it would be a sinkhole.

At least I tried something new, I’m thrilled that I took a writing class. Registering and getting there alone made me proud. Doing well in it, made me ecstatic. I’lll try to do more things like that, pushing myself.

As people say (not that I believe them anymore) it can’t stay this way forever. Or can it? I’ve resorted to one of my favorite psychics to see what she has to say. Some guidance, please. Spare me the bad stuff, I have enough of that on my own.

I’ll be putting more effort, more optimism, more meditation into my life, changing for the better, starting..TOMORROW. I promise.

3 thoughts on “Haters Gonna Hate Myself

  1. Oh my dear, nothing in life is permanent. that is the one thing we can count on. When things are going well we want things to stay as they are, but they will change. Just as now, things are going so horribly, things will change. Impermanence is something we know will always be there.

    I’m so happy you were able to take a writing class. That’s wonderful. And to excel! How rewarding.

    We are lucky Stuart was able to find work, after 15 months out of work. It was very rough going. I killed me a bit each day to know I couldn’t help. Even now that I’m feeling a bit better, I know I couldn’t hold down a job. But don’t get me wrong, I’m soooo grateful for what I have now. It will still be rough going for a while yet. If we can sell our house, for at least the pay off, we can start getting caught up, but the debt now, it hard. And we have been living off retirement.
    So, I understand, I really do.

    I could not stay in that two story house any longer. I couldn’t do it.
    Now that I’m in this small one story place, I feel like I am so much more capable. As you’ve seen on Facebook. I can do things. Yes I’m feeling better, but a lot of it is the fact that the place is tiny. I’m not wearing myself out just going down the stairs! So I do get it, when you say, the place makes the difference. You can’t stand the winters, I couldn’t stand the stairs.

    I get it, and I did feel like it may never end. But I knew I could count on one thing….everything changes.

    I hope your change comes soon.


  2. Pingback: Haters Gonna Hate Myself | Hibernationnow's Blog360 Haters | 360 Haters

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