12 Years Ago, Tonight

12  years ago, tonight at 10:20 pm my father passed away in a hospital in Connecticut. I was never a big fan of New Year’s Eve to begin with but since this happened, I roll into a little ball

English: Sculpture of a woman in fetal positio...

in my bed and cry on and off.

My dad used to buy me a candle every single year on my birthday, without fail, I’m sure my mom reminded him but it was a tradition. My mom, sister and I still have one or two of his well-worn, soft handkerchiefs that are like prized possessions. Our dad had a shelf where he had 13 types of small different after shave cologne which he would point out to us, often!

What’s worse, for my mom, is that January 1st is/was my parents’ wedding anniversary. We try to give each other support but in essence it’s really our own pain we need to get past. I’m the “crier” in the family or as my husband and son call me “the shrieker.” Good or bad and especially when surprised by something: a bug, a person, a loud noise, I have a natural instinct to be scared easily. My daughter is the same way. Sometimes we shriek at

the surprise of seeing each other.

She’s away on a trip and as much as I am happy she is having a fabulous time, part of me wishes she was home. But, as much as I am a mushy mess, my daughter keeps all her emotions inside, deep, down inside. My expectations of wanting her here are really quite different from what her being here would be like. She does not enjoy my massive display of emotions.

My son is definitely more like me, we understand each other. We can read each others feelings on the phone or the breath before we say “hello” on the telephone. I was like that with my dad. My sister and my mother are completely alike, full of false bravado and unaware of their feelings. Being without my dad for so many years has been a struggle.

The balance has been lost, the person who understood me most, is gone. I’m with two family members that don’t really get me at all, they just say I’m “too sensitive,” never realizing that sensitivity is a good thing and that they might be insensitive. What I’ve learned all these years is that people don’t change.

I will get through tonight, thankfully, NOT going out, eating my American cheese sandwich and drinking chocolate milk, my comfort food. Maybe I’ll have some baked Lays for the crunch factor. For dessert, I pre-ordered two of our favorite home-made jelly doughnuts

from a nearby bakery. My husband and I will toast each other with those doughnuts, in memory of my father. Growing up it was a tradition that we all had jelly doughnuts on New Year’s Eve together. I just found out my husband bought four jelly doughnuts and two black and white cookies, he’s definitely like my dad too.

As sad as I am to have lost him, I am trying (not very successfully) to focus on that deep relationship we had and how much he really did love me. I was his baby girl, he loved me plenty of that I am sure. It just doesn’t help to take away the pain. Nothing does.

 

 

*My dad took me to see Two By Two with Danny Kaye, for years after, with spoons and different glasses of water of varying heights, he would conduct and we would both clink all our glasses after the words “Two By Two.” The last time I tried to do that with him, he was very sick and didn’t want to do that. He had lost his joy and I knew that his end was near.

 

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “12 Years Ago, Tonight

  1. Oh, my dear friend how I wish you were here. I know you can’t read this, but what do we do without you? I guess, we will feel the pain of our loss, and it is great. I will miss you forever.

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      • Sweet Sister! Thank you!!! I will try to write you soon. I’ve been thinking about you and actually thinking we should talk soon. I would like that. Sending you love too. I’m doing okay. I’ve had lots of pain and ensuing melancholia. My mom is doing better though, so that’s good. I have lots of medical appointments coming. I will have hand surgery soon and then see a neurologist about “foot drop” so it is a hard time. I sincerely appreciate you reaching out to me! Love, Rosa (Michelle).

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      • I’ve diagnosed myself Laurie, but will see the Neurologist Feb 4, but I am almost sure this is what is wrong. The foot doesn’t want to move forward and the top is stiff. The heel feels like there is a knife stabbing it (on the bottom of the foot, not the ankle), but I did walk on top of my foot when I fell and hurt tendons and ligaments. About two months before I fell, I had foot drop for about ten days, but it went away and I didn’t go to doctor. Then, one day I felt very sick and that’s when the left side of my body went numb and when I tried standing, I must have blacked out and when I came to I was hanging on to a man’s coat walking on top of my foot. They did MRI on lower back to find cause, but found bulging disk on right side (doesn’t explain weakness on left side). Sigh…

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      • I don’t know but am afraid of MS. That’s what they looked for in my before autoimmune and CFS and fibro. I hope not. I hope it is something else, but Laurie, I have all the symptoms. Every one of them. I imagine they would scan my brain again, unless the doctor sees something else, hopefully less serious. It’s been going on a long time now and I’m a bit scared. I also feel horrible.

        Thanks for asking and caring. I’m tired. Today was so hard.
        Love, your friend, Michelle (Rosa Blue).

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      • That’s my and every one else’s go-to diagnosis too, but I think you may be too old for it, there is a specific age range. Try not to think and stay in “neutral” until you see the nurologist and more tests. I am going to google it now. I am seeing dr’s for my low blood pressure and passing our, not fun…try to go to sleep early sweet friend and sister. Don’t be scared if they do a scan they did 2 for me after I passed out and it showed nothing. Part of health care rules. I’m sorry your day was tough, it would be wonderful if one of us had a day that was GREAT. we don’t write about those, they are so rare. feb 4 is around the corner. i’m going to do research now. i love you rosa/michelle whichever you prefer, let me know

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      • You have MS? I didn’t know that. MS was what doctors suspected when I was in early thirties, but b/c of no lesions on brain at that time, the doc said it could take a decade or longer for them to show. I know I have foot drop, just don’t know why. Love you Laurie, and I’ll write you on email okay.

        About Vit D. Yes I have it. I haven’t been taking it. I’m going to start. Is the good stuff too.

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      • I sure have thought about my dad lately. I was thinking yesterday how he took me rabbit hunting when I was in my twenties and what a lucky girl I was! How many young women get to do that! We didn’t kill any rabbits, but the good dog did tree one 🙂 His name was Jack and my daddy loved him so.

        Here is a kiss to Heaven for each of our dads that we loved xxxx ooo

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