It’s Okay To Be Queer At The Academy

 

My name is Matthew, I’m standing in the Director’s office in the Academy waiting for my release papers. I always imagined that the sky from this room would be a baby blue but what little I can gleam through the shuttered blinds is not blue but a mixture of gray and white. Nothing is as you imagine it to be.

I’m 22 and there are things that should make sense to me now but they don’t. My parents, well, my dad, insisted I go to this Academy to “toughen me up”,  I don’t even know what that means but to him it means  “becoming straight.” As if. I am who I am, who I have always been but he won’t accept that, he thinks a therapist or a school could change me. I AM me.

My militant father refuses to accept all gay people, as if we have a choice. We were born this way! Hey, it’s a lot easier to be straight with prejudiced people like him than it is being gay.

Once, when I was younger, I challenged him about his narrow-minded views. He looked at me for one second and then pummeled me so badly I was black and blue for a week.  I looked so bad my mom called the school and said I was in a car accident. She tried to stand up for me but I said it was okay, I didn’t want him to hit her too.

My mother accepts me being gay and loves me for who I am. I have confided in her and while she worries that it is a hard life (and it is) she has accepted my choice and she loves me and supports me. My father is a mean bastard, when I first told him, he threw chairs around the room and would not let me even say the words out loud, ever. I tried to tell him that I was still his son but he viciously replied “I have no son, I have a faggot. You are not part of this family anymore.” How could he do that? I haven’t seen him since.

I love men, not women, is that such a crime? I wanted to go to college and be free but my dad forbid it. He sent me to this stupid Academy “to make a man out of me.”  I guess he thought the Academy would make me straight and I would start liking girls. I had the last laugh though, all the other guys were there for the same reason.Their parents sent them there to “toughen up” too. My father had no idea that most guys in the school were gay. I guess the joke was on him.

We call each other “queer” here in the Academy, it’s used as a term of endearment, I don’t understand how a parent can just stop loving a child, I really don’t but a lot of the guys here have had the same experience. I envy the men and women whose family love and support them no matter who they choose to love.

My mom has tried to talk to my dad many times about accepting me but he won’t budge. Fuck it, I guess I’m better off without him. I don’t need his lectures, his abuse and his screaming. All i ever wanted was his love. But, I knew, I always knew that I would never get that, ever. Yet, deep down, in a child-like way, I still hope that one day he will change and he will accept and love me for who I am. Yeah, I know, keep dreaming.

Dedicated to the LGBT community who do not feel loved by their families.

No photos due to Zemanta broken.

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8 thoughts on “It’s Okay To Be Queer At The Academy

  1. I have a friend who is having a hard time right now because her son just came out. Not that she doesn’t love him…or that she won’t accept him. It was a shock. He had been married for a year, to the most lovely girl. She loves her daughter in law. It’s killing this girl and she is just having a heck of a time. As I said, she loves her son, and will accept this, but even if he had left her for a woman he did it wrong. So that comes first.
    Then comes the fact that her husband is a Southern Baptist Preacher.
    yeah.
    He still loves his son, and he will always be his son. But this is a sin, just like lying. He believes it is a choice, and a sin, period. He is still in contact with his son. Has dinner or lunch with him. They talk. But he will never be ok with his life style. His boyfriend will never be welcome. He won’t be able to talk about that part of his life.

    His mom is all tied up. She realizes her son had to be hurting all these years and she didn’t see it. She thinks how could she not see it? She wants to help him now, but she is also mad at him for what he did. And for what he is doing now. I’ll say, he did not go into a healthy relationship. And he has gone wild with this new life of his.

    I’ve know a few guys who have come out and most suddenly act like their hormones have been turned on, they act like they are teenagers who have never dated, it is crazy. This guy is doing that.

    My friend’s story was very important to me because my first marriage ended because I found out he was having an affair with a man. I can really understand how her daughter in law feels. But my ex-husband didn’t come out. However, he never remarried.

    So, to say this story hits home right now is a little bit of an understatement.

    I will say, I know some who have come out to loving families who have been very supportive. and some who have come out only to be kicked out of their family. But you know, those families were probably not he most supportive to begin with. I know if I had done anything out of the ordinary I would have been kicked out of my family….and I didn’t. However, I may as well have been. I am different. So since my mother died, I pretty much don’t have a family. I don’t fit in. No I’m not a lesbian. But I have many friends who are. I have many friends of different colors and ethnicity. That kind of thing just doesn’t bode well in my closed minded family. I’m odd. heck, I’m not even a Republican. haha
    So, my point is, I bet most of those kids who come out and aren’t accepted in their families probably wouldn’t have found themselves in the most supportive family anyway. (not all, maybe….but most, I bet.)

    oh my….a very long comment.
    xoxo w

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  2. It’s awful to be rejected by your parent(s). It’s just such a raw wound where love and acceptance ought to be. The physical abuse is no where near as bad as knowing that your parent rejects you because of who you are. I was also driven from my home by my narcissistic, evil mother. It never gets any better, in my experience. I’m glad the Academy was Full of Fellow Fairies (sorry, couldn’t help the alliteration)! I’m bisexual as well as bipolar. My parents never accepted either of those. There are some games you just can’t win. I have a son, and I have loved him just the same through his awful troubled times, and I love him no matter what. Fortunately he has a good head on his shoulders and with a lot of help (he’s a Very High Functioning Autistic) he’s doing very well. But his step-murder threw him out on the street when he got addicted to drugs and was too smart for the rehab programs they sent him to. Long story, but love IS the answer. My love to you!

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