Yellow Magic Madness # 34

English: the forests in new hampshire in autumn

English: the forests in new hampshire in autumn (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is officially Autumn, leaves are changing and the chill is in the air.

We know that Summer is over. We can’t change things, enjoy

the changing beauty that we have now:  vibrant colors,

leaves changing colors on trees. What you can’t change,

APPRECIATE.

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Yellow Magic Madness #30, Summer, Leaving

Sunshine

Sunshine (Photo credit: therealannogus)

Summer leaving soon

that familiar nip in the air

one or two days of warm yellow sunshine left.

Any chance you get, put your face in the sun and remember how it feels for the long, long and brutal winters ahead.

sunshine

sunshine (Photo credit: huntz)

(Photo credit and all rights listed under photos)

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Shhh! Putting The Past To Bed

B.F. and Teddy

B.F. and Teddy (Photo credit: Treehugger)

I’ve had enough of my down, depressing mood, my attitude needs to be adjusted. Now. I felt lonely and sad for a few weeks and yes, I did have reasons. It started with the husband. Let me tell you, women friends, I’ve been married for almost twenty-five years it’s no walk in the park. Contrary to what my single friends think, being married is hard work, it’s not just holding hands and looking lovingly into each others eyes anymore, that was then, this is now.

We know that every marriage goes through phases, blah, blah, blah and that it is normal, it’s hard to go through one of those rough patches when your husband doesn’t “get it” and frankly you know, deep down inside, he never will. Let’s be honest, after 24 and a half years he is not going to suddenly turn into the romantic, powerful guy you picture. He just isn’t. But, he may well be your best friend and companion and if you are sad, lonely and feel betrayed by the family you were born into, he’s got your back. He and your children are your family.

He’s the father of your children (the ones that are practically grown-up now) he was the one that said comically “assume the position” when he offered to give me the infertility shots every night at the same time so I wouldn’t have to do it myself. He dried all my tears, he stood up for me when people were mean to me, and yes, he can get nasty but so can I. We’re getting older TOGETHER, at least we have each other to discuss our fears, our anxieties, we have each other to love. I need to remind myself more and more of the wonderful things I DO have, I’m lucky to have a husband like him, he really is my best friend. I am also blessed with amazing kids, both of them, each one so different, such good, smart, warm and witty young adults.  I hope that they will think I’ve been a good mother, that’s truly important to me.

I didn’t have the most nurturing mother but she still loved me and worried about me, way too much. My father was very supportive and loving but he had his bad side too, who doesn’t? My sister, well, I wouldn’t choose her to be my best friend, we have exact opposite personalities but when we do get along, it’s great and we can talk for hours. It’s nice to have someone who shares my history if not my utter love for the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off one of my all time favorite movies!!! Honestly I think it is one of the greatest movies of all times and she walked out of it. She hated one of my favorite movies. Now we do the opposite of each other, if she loves something I will stay away and vice versa.

I am leaving the past in the past. Forever. I won’t worry about the future, since I have no control over it and I will try to stay in the present, one minute at a time. Appreciate the good things in life, the small moments I can capture in the blink of an eye, a pretty bird with a beautiful song, a bright yellow flower, a cup of coffee with swirling milk. I want to start reading fun books not my depressing ones, and laugh more. Life is too short and way too unpredictable. It can change in a single breath. Please join me and try to enjoy your good times too. Seek them out, you will find them and before long, they will find you.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Carry On Tuesday – “Every Now And Then”

A Hill-Rom hospital bed

A Hill-Rom hospital bed (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I live in a world of darkness; light splinters in through occasional cracks in the white, plastic blinds. I would rather be in the darkness than in the light. When there is a hint of brightness I hide under my covers and lie still, squeeze my eyes tight. I have felt this way for a long time. Every now and then I try to picture myself in the past buying red tulips and iced coffee but it has been so long ago I can barely remember what it felt like. I now lie in a hospital bed, the IV dripping fluids into my wobbly bluish vein, pain medication scheduled every four hours. There is no silence in a hospital ward, it’s always too noisy; I can’t even hear myself think, maybe they do this on purpose for distraction.

When visitors come I put on pale, pink lipstick and try to sit up to give the image of energy. I attempt to smile and make conversation but really, what is there to talk about? We all know I am dying but nobody wants to talk about that, well, except for me. I bring up the topic from time to time but my friends squirm and change the subject. Since it is not happening to them I don’t understand why they won’t have a conversation with me about it, for goodness sake. Death is my future, it’s all of our futures, some sooner than later. It makes them feel uncomfortable to mention the word, I want to yell at them “man up, I’m the one who is dying here, not you!! ” but I don’t have the energy.

When my father died, many years ago, I had one friend who just let me cry, her name was Margo. I didn’t have to say anything,  I just needed to be able to be with someone I trusted, her arm around my shoulders and I could cry. No one else, even family, made me feel that safe with the exception of my dog. She would jump on the bed and I would cry and she would kiss my face and lick my tears. She was one of the most empathetic dogs I’ve ever known, her nickname was Buddha Dog.

I wear red “cowboy” bandanas in my hair, or what’s left of my hair, I look like a cross between a bad-ass motorcycle chick and a kewpie doll, that’s one hell of a combination but it amuses me. I’m not supposed to admit this but I really don’t like when my children come to see me, I’d rather they didn’t but my husband disagrees and lectures me on this. Why should they have to see me like this, thin and disintegrating and in pain? I would rather them remember me as I was, happily eating mango sorbet, laughing at my own jokes. I would scratch as many cars as possible and not be mad when they teased me about what a horrible driver I was if I could turn the clock back but I can’t. I can’t do a thing except lie here and wait; I am powerless.

Sometimes I ask for foods from my childhood, Wonder bread sandwiches with the crusts cut off with butter and Kraft American cheese or creamy Skippy peanut butter with honey and sliced bananas. These things are soft and don’t hurt the sores in my mouth as much as some of the other foods they try to make me eat. Even if I can’t eat them, I try to touch them and smell them and it makes people feel good to bring something. I’ve learned that. I will ask for simple things so they will feel better.

I don’t have much time left but time enough to know that this life is a short one. Enjoy, not each day, but each part of every day no matter how shitty it is. You are alive and you still have your future. I do not. Hold on to what you have, it is just a fleeting moment or two. Really, hold on to what you have while you can.

A Single Moment In Time

There are many moments in our everyday life that we forget about. That’s not good. I know we are all looking for good days and good months but sometimes if you remember a special moment it makes all the difference.

Yesterday and today I feared that I had “writer’s block” after a fight I had with my mother.  Writer’s block?  Me?  Giving it a title just made it worse because one tends to repeat it over and over again in one’s head. I stopped worrying about it and assumed it would go away soon.

My son, Tim, this morning went to buy bagels and cream cheese (vegetable tofutti in my case) for the 3 of us. Jillian, still sleeping, has a bagel with butter to look forward to when she wakes up.  And when Tim sat in my room and we talked it made me feel happy, connected, delighted. It REALLY doesn’t take much to make me happy, I’ve always been happy with the little things. In this case it was about 8 minutes of talking with my son before he starts his incredibly busy day.

He volunteers for CVAC (Chappaqua Volunteer Ambulance Corps) and he is on call today. Sometimes I wish his pager would go off because I see the look on his face when he does get a call and it is a thing of  beauty: strength, altruism, hope, diligence and the ultimate desire to help people in trouble. (In case he reads this I apologize for the word “beauty.”)

I cherish the moments with my children, I really do. Last night Jillian and I watched “One Tree Hill” that we bought on iTunes, amongst the guffawing and ridiculing from Dan and Tim.  I don’t care, she and I love watching the show together and I see things from her world and it’s time, albeit with a tv show, that we spend together. Sometimes, since she knows I am an absolute baby with scary things, she will pause the video to fill me in.  That’s sweet and thoughtful and I really appreciate it.

My husband, kindest man on earth, is on his way to pick up our dog from the grandparents. In preparation, Dan put out a sheet to cover the bed, because he knows I love Callie on the bed. This is a sweet, loving man. He hates having the dog on the bed and I love it; we have learned to compromise.

I am blessed for my family, not the everyday occurences, the bickering, the occasional shouting. I try not to focus or dwell on those. That happens in every family, especially a family that has two teenagers, 21 months apart. This year, I will keep making lists of the special moments that I have with my family, with my friends and will appreciate them more, instead of complaining that they are happening less. Here’s to 2010, for cherishing what we have and accepting  peacefully what we don’t. Cheers!