Dear C.L.

I’m reading a message from a friend and I’m furious. How DARE she flippantly suggest suicide

in such a casual way. Guess what, it is NOT funny in any way. Hey, lady, you know that my father died, 12 years ago on New Year’s Eve. Did you ever think of what I would give to spend 5 minutes with him again instead of you faking your suicide attempt saying “good-bye all.”

YOU didn’t say one word about taking a break from Facebook so that’s all kinds of bullshit and yes, my son gave me your message but I am not calling you back tonight. Maybe sometime but not yet.

I’m not laughing, C.L. Not only that, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this. Really, now you are joking about suicide and saying “good-bye?” WHAT THE BLEEP IS WRONG WITH YOU? How dare you? I wrote on your message  if you are serious, someone should please call 911 because I don’t know the town you live in. If you AREN’T serious, they should be called anyway, to teach you that life is worth living, that life is Precious.

There is steam coming from my head, sparks

that I feel, oozing anger like fireworks. Is this what you want your children to see? That mommy is threatening suicide when people hurt her feelings? You have a job, to be a mother and they come first, before you, always.

I want to rip the book I gave you out of your selfish hands, I want to shake  your shoulders. and tell you to wake up and grow up. I am so mad and so sad and angry at life and death that if I started crying now I could not stop.The word for me is Inconsolable.

How dare you take life for granted? Grief is no fun, trust me, I know and it lasts forever, it will be 12 years tomorrow that my dad died. It does not get better every year. At certain times, anniversaries or birthdays, the pain is ripped apart, raw, bloody, new again.

Thanks for all that you have done for me.

I can’t think of you as my friend now..

 

I’ve calmed down a bit but I’m still mad and angry and very sad so I will be in touch NOT on the phone but when I can and do not Bullshit me. There wasn’t a word about FB on that post. You know it and so do I.

Thanks for ending 2014 just the way it started, in the trash.

English: Community Relations worker Donald Jer...

 

 

 

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Write Raw #6 (No Editing Allowed)

“Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.” – Ani DiFranco

I was rushing, as always, on the sidewalk of the Village, where I live, scooting under the fire escape when I realized something big was about to happen. I just didn’t know what it would be. Would someone die? Would my sister have her baby? Would Gramps have  a heart attack? The flush ran up my body and stayed there, even the wind that blew couldn’t erase the warm feeling inside me yet I couldn’t define it. I had just turned 26 a couple of days ago and my friends had given me a sweet, little party. They were all there and they had invited my boyfrieind, Matt and a few of his friends. Matt seemed off that night, I had no idea why. When I asked hilm, he just said ” he was tired.” He’s been real tired these last few weeks. I kinda want to go up to him , look at his green hazel eyes and shake him by the shoulders and just yell “what’s the matter with you” but I don

t. I think I’m scared to so I just leave it be. Part of me doesn’t want to know and as long as he hasn’t said anything definite, we’re still ok. I think.But what the hell do I know? I have no idea how to deal with his? He’s moody, he’s sometimes distant but arent’ people like that all the time? okay let me be more specific, aren’t men like that at some point? No one is perfect, I’m not for sure, but is it that glaring a flaw that we would break up? That seemed ridiculous. We’ve been together for four years. We LIVE together. I was probably over-worrying which is an annouying habit I have. I need to stop doing this.

I get to the apartment and Matt is there and he is in a cheerful mood and we hug and all of a sudden I’ve forgotten my former worries because he gave me a sweet, quick kiss on my lips and hugged me for a moment.We talked about where we should have dinner which always took so much time given that we were in a mecca of restaurants, we could have anything we wanted, all the time. We were spoiled we knew but that’s what lving in the Village was all about. It was about youth, and exploration and growing up after college and fun. We had fun in the village after our drone jobs in mid-town where I was basically a secretary )ok now they call us “Personal assistants” and Matt was an “Engineering Assistant/aide.” We both made very little money but we lived in a studio that had one futon that we covered with old Indian fabric, a small kitchen (tiny) that had 4 plates, a few pink-tinted glasses and some silverware we stole from NYU. QWe had a couple of plants that were barely alive and a cat named Oliver. The cat was his idea, not mine. I wanted a dog but he said they were too much responsibility since we were not home during the day. I guess he ‘s right but we culd have traded turnls going home at lunch and walking the dog. Matt was adamant and when he is like that I knew there were no negotaitions that would go on. Matt had a stubborn streak so I figured once we got married and bought a house, then I could have my dog, mayve two of them. When I mentioned this he laughed and nodded so I figured I would just delay my dream for the right time.And I was ok with that. Truly.

We decide to go out for Thai food, the one thing we can agree on effortlessly so that was nice; there was a small restaurant about four blocks from our apartment. Insided the restaurant, Matt s tarted getting gloomy again, not cheerful like he was at the apartment or particularly loving but totally different, quiet, moody and there was tension in the air. I knew this time I couldn’t avoid talking about it so after two glasses of beer I brought it up. “What’s going on Matthew?” I asked. “Just what the hell is going on ?” I need to know, I feel it but I don’t know what it is. He started to sit upp straight , he sighed and tried to take my hand but something about that all of a sudden felt creepy, I took my hand away. “I need to talk to you he said, his voice barely above a whisper.” My skin just froze, and I swear the blood that was flowing in my body myst have drained and left me for a puddle on the granite floors.

I felt afraid, and I felt confused. I literallly had no idea what he was about to say. He started talking, talking about things that happened 2 years ago when we were still dating and in school; like the time we went bowling and I won and he said I was showing off but I really wasn’t, I was just happy I won and besides it’s just a stupid game. “Are u kidding me, I asked?” He was not. He started telling me that he thought we needed to see other people that our relationship was getting too close to fast, that he wasn’t ready to make a commitment. “WHAT?” I screamed, “after all this time, “now you don’t want to be in a committed relationship” you wanted to be together forever, that’s what you said a few weeks ago when we talked about marriage and having a house, and the dogs I could have.,

He mumbled something about this being the “wrong time” and then I stopped and felt listless and I looked deeply into his blue eyes. There was something there that she hadn’t noticed before, she gasped and then she knew. He was lying about something, an she called him on it and with a heaving sigh that seemed to last for hours he admitted that he just wasn’t in love with her anymore. He had loved her once but it had been over for him for a long time and that he needed to leave, in fact he would leave that verysame evening. She couldn’t change it, she was stunned, in shock, she had had no idea, no clues. “It just wasn’t their time,”he muttered under his breath, as he stood up to pack his things to leave. They both stood up, her in shock, heimpervious to her pain, and walked out of the restaurant, towards their apartment walking, under the firescape, to get home.