I am a very
spiritual person and so I pray. Tonight, my oldest friend is in the ICU, his kidneys have failed him. We were born one day apart, he never let me forget that I was older by one day. Our mothers met in the maternity ward in our old local hospital many years ago. Tonight he is fighting for his life. Yellow magic, Yellow light, The joy of Yellow, the Hope.
My mind is spinning out of control, like a misguided ferris wheel on the wrong speed, it’s going too fast. He went through a bad time physically last year. I feel like I am living in a surreal world. Right now, all I think about, is him. I’m scared and sad and yes, a little angry too. Please don’t die, please. You had a lonely life, but you have us, your friends. Don’t give up. I am begging you.
10:30 PM : My phone rings, I don’t recognize the number, the voice sounds muffled, I hear loud BEEP- -BEEP sounds every few seconds. My friend has called me, I am shocked, happy, relieved, confused. We talk for only a few minutes, I tell him that “I love him, that all his friends do” he becomes emotional; I was so grateful to hear his voice. Let him make it through this night, and another….just one slow day, after another. Breathe…Breathe, Breathe.
I am watching “The Celebrity Apprentice” on my computer and I am enjoying every minute of it. Last night my husband Dan and I watched “Survivor” a show we haven’t watched in years and loved it. I slipped a chocolate covered cherry into my mouth and let the super-sweetness saturate my mouth and I audibly sighed with pleasure. I tasted the icing of the lemon cake that we received as a gift and had to stop myself from eating more than a taste. It wasn’t easy. I also ate a few spoonfuls of chocolate cake that wasn’t even particularly good, but it’s chocolate and mood elevating and even mediocre chocolate is better than none. Sometimes.
In these hard times these small pleasures help me stay afloat. It’s not that I have any interest in alcohol, drugs or smoking cigarettes, I prefer television shows, music of the moment and food. I am not ashamed to say that I watch “American Idol” when I can and that I tape “Grey’s Anatomy” or “Private Practice.” These are the escapes I need while bed-ridden with bruised ribs and my auto-immune disease and while my husband is unemployed and at his computer mostly all the time and when our two teenagers are way too busy for us.
I am not a shopping addict or any kind of addict that would be construed as harmful to other people in any way. I share one beloved television show with my daughter, Glee. After I watched the Glee episode, Madonna theme, I have been playing Madonna’s songs for the past three days. Over and over again. It’s like if I have something I love I will love it obsessively for a period of time and only when I am truly sick of it do I move on to something else. I’m still with Glee and I’m still singing Madonna songs; and most important of all, I’m still watching Glee with my daughter. I love sharing something that my daughter loves. I admit, I was unimpressed with Glee for awhile and I was totally wrong, and yes, she was totally right.
My daughter and I are obsessive about food too. If we love something we will eat it ad nauseum until we are so tired of it that we will banish it for a very long time and replace it with something else. After awhile whatever we love becomes “been there, done that,” let’s move on to something new. Our latest food of choice are avocados, stuffed shells and baked ziti. For me, my new (newly chipped) juicer is my latest craze. I am so into juicing and I have made carrot-apple juice, and carrot-apple-pineapple-brocolli juice. My daughter Jillian made a delightful blend of strawberry-mango juice that was delicious. I am obsessed with juicing and if I wasn’t so lazy about cleaning it all the time, I would have different types of juice at least three times a day; but sometimes laziness wins, I have to admit.
Admitting that I am lazy these days is okay too. I don’t have the energy for very much due to both my bruised ribs and my auto-immune disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. I used to be very hard on myself for what I deemed “my weakness” but I’ve grown up and realized it’s just not my fault. That leap into acceptance has been long overdue. So, I will eat my favorite foods and listen to my songs of the week(s), will watch television happily with my family or by myself and learn to accept my limitations. I will try to live without feeling sorry for myself and feeling bad about myself. Instead, I will heal, slowly, consciously and grateful for all the blessings that I do have in my life.