FWF Kellie Elmore (Let It Go) R for Language

a drawing of a 4 piece jigsaw puzzle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been letting myself, allowing them to have power over for me for so many years that I want to hide my own head in shame. When it’s their heads that should be sinking, face first in the mud. Not me. What was wrong with me that I took their shame, their disgusting habits, roles and personalities and made myself a part of it? I did nothing wrong, I was a child, sweet innocent child who was always afraid, always too sensitive and I was blamed for that. Bitches, bastards how dare you put the blame on me when you know very well that you were damaging me? If you didn’t know it, you should have. I won’t cover for you anymore, I won’t lie and I won’t gossip either but I owe you nothing, I’m not covering up what for you did all those years. YOU did them, not me.

Do you get the picture now? You should have thought of that while you were tossing around in the streets with other women, and you the “less guilty one,” you were rolling around with other men but your excuse was because you never “played the martyr.” So? I never played the tuba, it doesn’t make me a saint. You were just as much at fault, especially because you made a point to turn us away from him, “well, I never said i didn’t I just said nothing.” So of course, that makes it okay to you? No bitch, it doesn’t. Ever hear the phrase “Mea culpa” I didn’t think so and if you have you’d probably say, “Oh, I didn’t think that applied to me.”

Did you think we would never find out? Or did you want us to find out because eventually lies play out and truth unfolds, I remember the exact second, I knew something was up and I was alone. Hearing his voice, defensive over the white round kitchen table, the swiveling yellow chairs, feeling that cold feeling of dread and walking slowly to my room. I was “shaking and trembling” and I didn’t know what happened but I knew something was very, very wrong.” At least one of you had the decency to come after me, but she just did it so that she could bring me to you to tell me. Isn’t that right, dear mum?  Don’ t even think of correcting me, I remember, I remember details. Every. Single. One.

How you picked me up when I was sick at school in a different car, I knew then. How? I felt it.  Who was this man ? Why was he here driving us home. Something was off and I felt it. I forgot it for many years because it had no context in my world but then when all the nasty truths came out, the jigsaw puzzle was complete. It was exactly the same fit, corners lined up, this went into that. Click.

For fucks sake, you were surprised last week when I said “I trusted nobody?” How could I if I couldn’t trust my own parents. yes, what great role models you became.  Mum didn’t even want to have children she admitted that, although she does delight in the grandchildren and dad, he wanted children enough, he just wanted to fuck every woman with his buddy around the world and then some. A lovely example of parents, don’t you think?. Why do they question same sex parents or single parent adoptions with such rigor when they should be questioning heterosexual parents with even more scrutiny. Look at the divorce rate. Are you kidding me?

The two of you, scavengers, thought you lived outside of the norm of rules. or was it because you were caught? Okay big shot, don’t dangle we would have gotten divorced if I hadn’t fooled around either…to me. You tore us apart, me especially, do you want us to give you both victory medals?  Yes, you saintly  couple you said your vows again after you haphazardly patched things up and you had the best of time after that. Weren’t you sweet. But what did you leave behind? Two broken young adults, one definitely more mature then the other. one, emotionally invested and used, traded back and forth like a piece of gold, come to me, no, come to me, back and forth, like a pawn, struggling to come out of your serpent ways, many years later.

At long last. I hate both of you. I will leave you here in the dust to die. You killed me when I was a child, I’m not looking back at you now. I believe you have said all that needed to be said. I’m not looking back nor am I looking forward. Gonna take some time for me by myself to think, just me not the wife or the kids. I’ll come back to them in a few days when my head is cleared from all your crap. Gonna get a ride and disappear so I can get my head together. As for you 0ld folks I’ve cried my last tear for my past. I’m done and if you don’t believe it, watch me, just watch me go.

You Just Can’t Fight Crazy

Matti (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People don’t always get along, that’s a given. Some people cringe at confrontation and try to hide their heads under the mattress to avoid dealing with it or slither away to swimmingly escape the idea of a fight. I don’t mind verbal fighting as long as it is a fair fight. If the parameters are clear, I will not shy away; I don’t seek fights but I am willing to defend myself or anyone I love for the right reasons. Fairness and honesty are incredibly important to me. “Just don’t lie to me” I used to tell my children when they were teenagers (not that it was a hundred percent successful.) It’s the Libra in me, I’m sure, needing balance and honesty, hating dishonesty with a passion.

There are times when, as a friend of mine is experiencing, you find yourself in the middle of a situation where you have NO control. Her son and daughter in law have decided, without explanation, that  Grandma and Grandpa can not see their children anymore. No reason, no explanation. Grandma is absolutely heartbroken, confused and in shock. There was no explanation, that to me, is not a fair fight. She has tried numerous times, to try to talk to them, to understand what she did but they won’t talk. She took care of their two girls when they were both working full-time and when the parents picked up the kids, the kids would cry and did not want to leave their grandmother’s house. That is a key issue, in my opinion.

Personally, I think, the mom was jealous of the kids’ warm and loving connection to their grandmother, maybe the daughter in law demanded that the husband make a choice between his mom and his wife? That is pure conjecture on my part but it seems feasible, doesn’t it?  The son, apparently used to be very close to his mother.”It’s either her or me” comes to mind and guess who lost? Grandma did and she was not even allowed to see or talk to her granddaughters again without knowing why. She had Valentine’s Day cards she had bought in advance and presents. Even worse, her daughter-in-law is pregnant with a boy and she fears she will never even meet this new grandchild.

They won’t talk to her, answer her e-mails, they literally have cut her out of their lives. It is an unfair, unbalanced fight. I think it is absolutely cruel. Intentionally cruel. They want to make her suffer and they have succeeded. Having loving, involved grandparents is an absolute gift and yet the parents won’t even TALK to the grandparents to make things right again. Not even an e-mail. Grandma and Grandpa don’t even KNOW what they have done wrong, ( or more likely if they have done anything wrong.) This was a large, connected and loving family, celebrating birthdays and holidays together, now it is in fragments; all the rest of the family on Grandma’s side.

There are times in all our lives when things are unjust and even Libras like myself have to accept, take it in and let it go. Life IS unfair sometimes. We have to accept that people are sometimes too stubborn or too sick and too hurtful to be rational. Apparently, the couple are not even thinking about their own children who must feel abandoned by their grandmother and grandfather who loved them and cared for them daily. Grandma has no way of telling them that she still loves them and misses them. As hard as it is, she has no choice but to accept this horrible deal. There is nothing else she can do. They won’t let her. It is literally breaking her heart, she cries endlessly and can only talk about this one topic. She knows “she can’t fight crazy” but that doesn’t mean she has stopped fighting and has accepted her life.  I almost wish she would.