Saying Goodbye to 20014
I listened to this song a lot last year and now I am sending this song to my brother-in-law
Stu B. and his cousin who are in my thoughts.
Please send some white light to and healing thoughts to his family.
Thank you.
English: Ellen DeGeneres in 2009. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Dear Ellen, I hope you don’t mind me addressing this to you, I just need someone to listen, someone who cares about other people. I thought you were the right person even though I’m sure you will NEVER see it. That’s okay. With the exception of a few best friends I’ve learned the hard way that other people are too busy in their own lives to care.
I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.
I guess I’m trying to think and talk out loud here. I’m lost, and have no idea what happened to me, I have no idea who I am either though I used to know so clearly.
Have I just become a mountain of symptoms trying to blend themselves together in a jig saw puzzle where no piece fits? I’ve made changes, I stay away from negative people, I try to be as kind as possible and pay it forward when I can but still trouble follows me like a black cloud.
Believe me, I am NOT asking for pity. I don’t want anyone’s pity, if I want pity I give it to myself, underneath my three layers of blankets, with the door shut tight, my dog lying next to me on my bed. I don’t want pep talks either, encouraging me that it “is just a phase.” This phase is my life and I have accepted it, I just don’t understand it. When I try to fight against the “down” period, people tell me not to do that and to be positive. Everything is a mixed message.
You have the natural talent to bring joy to others just by being yourself, I love that.
Right now, I am a huge collection of symptoms that I don’t mind sharing, I’m 57, there are people who are 97 that are healthier than I am. From head to toe: narrow angled glaucoma (eyes) many, MANY painful treatments in my eyes to try to correct that, but its a life long condition, hearing loss (had stapedectomy-operation for ears) the dreaded Eppiglottitis, I don’t wish on my worst enemy, I shiver at the thought, (open, gaping wounds below the throat,) horrific TMJ, shooting pains from my jaw/ear to my brain causing me to scream with agony caused by any random thing and some other facial myalgia the doctors threw at me) which I don’t even count. I have IBS, Fibromyalgia, Fatigue, No energy, Chronic muscle and joint pain, Fibro Fog (not remembering something someone said a minute ago.) General Anxiety Disorder, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (an auto immune disease of the thyroid) foot pain, wait, the most recent one and most deadly, Kidney Failure, Stage 3? (No one ever told me about Stage one or two) I think I’ll stop here.
Now for the social things, I can’t work because of the above illnesses, my husband was laid off for the second time and still is not working. We have two fabulous children who are attending two different state universities and a dog (our second) I rescued from a shelter.
I want you to know that we ARE thankful for our blessings, we truly are. Writing this down makes me realize that even more.Thank you for listening, sometimes it is good to write it down and look at it on paper.
But, am I jinxed? Is this what they call “going through a rough patch?” Whenever I feel I’ve reached bottom something else happens. Do you only know where the bottom is when you finally start climbing up slowly? Isn’t it possible to stay down here forever?
I guess I just have to accept what is going on now, breathe slowly in and out and believe that something good will happen. Someday.
Please don’t “like” this post. I don’t.
Wheel (Photo credit: Today is a good day)
I am a very
spiritual person and so I pray. Tonight, my oldest friend is in the ICU, his kidneys have failed him. We were born one day apart, he never let me forget that I was older by one day. Our mothers met in the maternity ward in our old local hospital many years ago. Tonight he is fighting for his life. Yellow magic, Yellow light, The joy of Yellow, the Hope.
My mind is spinning out of control, like a misguided ferris wheel on the wrong speed, it’s going too fast. He went through a bad time physically last year. I feel like I am living in a surreal world. Right now, all I think about, is him. I’m scared and sad and yes, a little angry too. Please don’t die, please. You had a lonely life, but you have us, your friends. Don’t give up. I am begging you.
10:30 PM : My phone rings, I don’t recognize the number, the voice sounds muffled, I hear loud BEEP- -BEEP sounds every few seconds. My friend has called me, I am shocked, happy, relieved, confused. We talk for only a few minutes, I tell him that “I love him, that all his friends do” he becomes emotional; I was so grateful to hear his voice. Let him make it through this night, and another….just one slow day, after another. Breathe…Breathe, Breathe.
time. (Photo credit: .through my eyes.)
Two young people with promise in their first kiss, laughter in their eyes,
a glance becomes a knowing look.
Everything is new, different, hard to acclimate, two people struggling to become a couple.
Years go by, like milk chocolate tasting slightly stronger, and less sweet
dark chocolate melting more easily on your tongue, surprisingly less bitter.
The intertwining of the two after many years, differences not so apparent anymore.
Habits that used to annoy me, about you, I find don’t matter quite as much
In fact, I find myself doing it sometimes but keeping it a secret with a sly grin.
Twenty-four years of marriage, we reach for each others hand
to thread our fingers together like an embrace.
Reassurance is a holy gift.
I don’t want to think of one of us gone but someday
one of us will be forced to live alone.
Live in the moment and with a deep, deep breath I try to push my thoughts away.
For a second or two,
I am fearful of the thought of living without him.
Growing old is hard enough, but if I grew old with you
I think I would be able to handle it a little more easily.
But, we don’t know the story of the rest of our lives, do we?
Stay with me, old man, and I will try to stay with you too.
Once in a while, panic overwhelms my courage and I become paralyzed in cold ice.
Along with gratitude and grace,
I am so humbled to have you in my life.
Your booming voice and stomping steps,
I don’t care about them anymore,
I just care about you and me, together.
For as long as forever will be.
Leave It To Beaver 1959 This is so much harder than writing 3 things I hate about myself but here we go:!) I’m sensitive to others
2) I’m perceptive and pick up on others feelings, body language, mood
3) Very empathic
All these help in being a good mom, wife and family member and friend.
None of your friends have responded yet. You were the first!
By some quick trick of aging
English: “Fraternal Love” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
my children have grown from teeny tots to the young adults they are today.
I do not miss them as they were; I miss myself and how they made me feel.
It is my loss only, a selfish loss.
Cherished like a queen, I could do no wrong, I was the only one who could heal them,
emotionally, physically, with a kiss and a made up, whispered, chant that would allow them to fall asleep.
An extra special band-aid and healing cream that, as promised, would not sting.
I could make them giggle, tell them stories, surprise them with “I Love You” presents,
I appreciated every hand I held until they wanted to stop.
“Your children are not your children” I always read
I prepared myself in advance.
My goal as a parent was to make them strong, like trees, to bend their branches, to have solid roots,
to be good people, people who make a difference in the world.
We encouraged our children to play a sport or to play an instrument but we did not force them,
many people criticized us,
but we were happy with our choice.
Our goal in life was to have happy children, good, strong young men and women
who would give of themselves to others, to do the right things, to give back to the world.
My children are my gift to the world.
I share in their pleasure, I have raised two wonderful young people.
It is, indeed, a special kind of magic.
On Children
Kahlil GibranYour children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Marianna, Kahlil’s Sister. Painting by Kahlil Gibran
Two friends (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
What is a friend? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I used to know, or so I thought. But, things change constantly, people change, and someone who might have been a friend to me in high school, does not necessarily mean that we would be friends now. You can have life-long friends and also period friends, those that belong in a time and place where memories and laughter should stay. Maybe, it’s just ME who has changed. I accept different things, fewer things, now that I am older.
On one hand I have a lot more tolerance, yet, I now tolerate a lot less. Can you understand that? It does seem hypocritical but it isn’t at all. I have so much more tolerance for all sorts of people and things and I don’t judge people quickly but at the same time I will not put up with things that do not serve me well, i.e. many years ago I used to put up with a friend that was funny but also very negative; a person who gossiped incessantly and made me feel bad about myself. I didn’t like who I was when I was with this person. Our friendship ended, not in a fight or a fury and while I no longer have her occasional funny self, I also don’t have her negative pathology weighing me down. It’s been years now and I don’t miss one thing about our past friendship, in fact I feel a lot happier.
I can meet a new friend in the blink of an eye and it will be mutual, we will laugh, enjoy the same things and feel an instant connection. With all good intentions to get together, it won’t happen and I have learned to be alright with that. It used to hurt me terribly but I have grown up and old and I understand that things sometimes do not work out even though everything seemed right. Things happen, if it doesn’t work, let it go. Life is complicated. It wasn’t meant to be….move on.
So, to answer what is a friend you need to look at yourself first. What is a friend to you? What do you need in a friendship? I need support and trust, dependability and warmth. I not only need to like that person but to like the person I am with you. You learn, you have to like and love yourself first.
Friendship is a gift, a slow, warming present, shared over a cup of coffee, or iced water and over time, if it is meant to be, it evolves with trust and the deepening begins like the wrinkles on my face, etched with memory, mutual understanding and love.
stress I stress myself out by worrying. Worrying about my kids, my husband, my dog, my mother, my sister, my friends, victims I don’t know and I worry about myself. I worry about sickness, death, and the flavor of the week on the news i.e. terrible shootings. Worrying about worrying. I “pre-worry” when I have absolutely NO CONTROL over any outcome. In psychiatric terms it is called “anticipatory anxiety.” What good does that do me? IT DOESN’T DO A DARN THING. Yes, I know this but sometimes it’s hard to switch the channel. I am too sensitive in both a good way and a bad. I am incredibly sensitive to others, compassionate and intuitive at the same time I take on other people’s issues to heart and feel for others. A lot. I have tried to change a million times with no luck. I have heard “You are too sensitive” so many times I could scream (especially when it is said by totally insensitive people) I KNOW THAT, I DID NOT CHOOSE TO BE THIS WAY. So, give me a break. I do deep breathing, I’ve tried all the tricks but this is who I am. PLEASE, TRY TO BE understanding, know I worry because I love and I care. Maybe I care too much but don’t you think that’s better than not caring at all? If I could be a cold-hearted, non-worrying-bitch I’d have a much easier life. Sorry, no can do. I worry. I care. And that’s okay.
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