Sad Saturday

*In The Early Morning RainIMG_0430

It’s 12:33 in the morning and I’m eating Froot Loops, with some mini Shredded Wheat and a bunch of blueberries tossed in that lack flavor. The rest of the family is doing a volunteer ambulance run and while they are helping people I know the roads are slick, black ice lurks sneakily in the dark.

I have felt totally listless all day and night. I lack energy and for the past seven years of having Fibromyalgia, this chronic pain-in-the-ass illness, I feel my whole body and mind stuck in a ditch, in neutral, spinning my wheels, going nowhere. I stay in my light, colorful, flowered patterned pajamas all day, I don’t even have the energy to change much less go out. My nose is stuffy, I ache all over, I am a floppy “Raggedy Ann” doll without her cheerful smile.  I feel older than the old person I am. There is no energy within me. None. The word “lethargic” sums it up well.

Who am I and who am I not?  Or, are the physical limitations and limited time having energy really getting to me? Of course, this horrid, freezing cold winter never helps me, it makes everything worse. Every year I start the same sob story about wanting to move to Florida or California, maybe even Arizona. I say it every year but we are still here in a very COLD town on the East Coast. I don’t fit in but at 57, that is the very least of my problems. The divider here is youth and money, lots of money. I lack both.

I need to go to sleep soon, my eyes are just about closing, my tummy is full with children’s cereal and sugary milk to slurp from the light green ceramic bowl.  I love these bowls, I have them in all different colors, they make me happy each time I use one. I take a few delicately pale pistachio nuts from a bag that is already open. Food is very important to our family, especially to me. It is imperative that we like our dinners especially on Sundays.

While my husband is unemployed, we deny our pleasure of going out to eat except for special occasions. Generally we eat scrambled eggs with cheese, and toast, my home-made pea and lentil soups, with a loaf of French bread, my husband’s eggplant parmigiano, chicken in the slow-cooker, lots of pasta, salads. We will go out only once to say good-bye to our son, heading back to college. I am not good at good-byes. It’s easier for me to leave than to be left. It’s one thing I can’t change, I’ve tried. Now, I accept it and my family accepts it too.

I’m humming the tune that is in my mind, the one that is the title of this essay. It is soothing to me, I’ll try to attach it here for you. Good night everybody. Thanks for sticking with me on this cold, dreary night, while the rain pelts down on the windows.

Photo credit: LAF 2014

 

Mellow Yellow Monday: Pancakes

Banana Pancakes

Banana Pancakes (Photo credit: babe_kl)

Not just any yellow fluffy pancakes but BANANA PANCAKES!

For added ecstasy, carmelize a few of the bananas

(often carmelized bananas are dessert in our

family-some add chocolate syrup to them, others, vanilla ice cream.

I just go for the sweet, sticky bananas fried (Use Pam) in a frying pan, with low heat.

In fact, I go bananas for banana pancakes.

(similar to* “I go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!”)

*Cocoa Puffs, a product of General Mills

Food, Baby, Food

English: Veggie burger eating competition, Slo...

English: Veggie burger eating competition, Slovakia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

July 2, 2012

Sometimes You Just Have To Eat

Today, I felt hot and sticky because of the high temperature and humidity and all I wanted to eat were lush strawberries and sweet, orange cantaloupe. When I opted for a veggie burger for dinner I felt absolutely virtuous. Later on, at night, when it was cooler I was so hungry that my hands were trembling just looking at the assortment of items I had assembled to have on it: half of an avocado, two thinly sliced tomatoes, Swiss cheese on the *multi-grain soft, thin bread.

I didn’t plan for was the freshly grilled smell of my husband and son’s barbecued cheeseburgers sitting inches away from my veggie burger. I’m not a vegetarian but I don’t eat red meat that often…but I did then. I had a third of my husband’s burger, I admit it was heavenly.

I ate a healthy piece of dark chocolate. I didn’t stop there. I went straight to snack mode which is always cereal: shredded wheat and brain mixed with “Honey Smacks” as they are now called. I did add fresh raspberries which was a delightful mixture of taste sensations, the red, juicy, tart raspberry along with the sweet “Honey Smacks” and milk. Yum.

After that, pretzels adorned with cream cheese.  Mea Culpa. Was I done? Not by a long shot. I wasn’t feeling guilty though, hungry. I KNEW what I was doing and I was choosing to do it. No regrets.

I gleefully opened the freezer door to find some much-needed  ice cream (and not frozen yogurt.)   I ate a small bowl of cookie dough ice cream with whipped cream. I enjoyed every bite.

I kept going.  It’s was so nice and quiet in the house at midnight, my husband, daughter and dog sleeping, my son out with his friends. It had been such a long time since I had a little time all to myself and I desperately needed that. I just didn’t need the refrigerator to be attached to the event….but it was.

After eating the ice cream in my bedroom, I went downstairs to the kitchen to be orderly and place my ice cream dish in the sink and I was assaulted by four chocolate hazelnut cookies, (this is a big fat lie, it was just an excuse to go to the kitchen again)and eat a piece of milk chocolate, and two marshmallow cookies with a thin layer of raspberry jam. Once upstairs I noticed chocolate hazelnut cream on my breast. How did THAT happen?

I KNOW I didn’t have enough to eat during the day and I was paying for it now. But, you know what? I didn’t care. I was happy to indulge for once. I knew that I would NOT do this again and I would watch very CAREFULLY what I ate the next day and I did.

The point is that I didn’t beat myself up about my binge. I enjoyed it. Every once in a while it’s good to let go for a few hours if you are not going to feel guilty and ashamed. I should have eaten more that day even though it was so hot. Did I have great remorse? No. Did I go back to healthful eating the next day? Yes. If YOU CAN stop and know you can, it’s fine to go off your “healthy living diet” every now and then. Enjoy.
*Arnold Multi-Grain Sandwich Thins ( I love them!)

PLINKY PROMPT: Breakfast For Dinner: Are you a fan?

  • Breakfast for Dinner
  • Breakfast, Anytime Except For Breakfast
    Syrup & Pancakes I am a major fan of breakfast for dinner, or lunch… just not for breakfast. A cup of strong, steamy coffee is all I need for breakfast to wake me up, with fat-free half and half and a packet of chemical sweetener or Truvia/Stevia, to take the edge off the bitterness.
    Any other time, breakfast is my favorite food group. I’m drooling just thinking about the options: pancakes, soft, buttery, drenched with (real) maple syrup, scrambled eggs, extra crisp bacon, whole-grain toast kissed with butter, eggs benedict, home fries, extra crispy…..Breakfast for dinner, breakfast for a snack: in our house we have cereal together after dinner and before bed, it’s not only comforting, it’s a tradition.
  • Previous Answer

*I’m Talking Fruit Loops

Going Loopy

Image by terren in Virginia via Flickr

Earlier today I met my friend Sarah for lunch at our local coffee shop.  I nibbled on a small fresh (?) fruit salad and ate a few bites of an egg white omelette. I felt virtuous for about two hours, eating only healthy food and grazing. We talked about everything, our kids, our maladies and the current stomach bug that was circulating through town and through the high school.

Once home, couple of hours later, I felt faint and nauseous. Just hearing the stomach bug going around made me reach for the Saltines. Later that night, for dinner, I had some of my absolutely divine homemade chicken soup, a soft carrot or two floating around, a piece of a turnip and parsnip, ( I have no idea which is which), a couple of crackers crushed into the soup.  I’ve heard of so many people getting some virus or another, ’tis the season, I suspect. So, I decided I must have the stomach bug or I am ABOUT to get the bug because my appetite was teeny-tiny, no more than a red breasted robin would eat at one time.

Then I went upstairs and started listening and watching You Tube songs on my computer.  “In the Arms Of an Angel” by Sarah Mclaughlin, “Vincent,” by Don Mclean and a beautiful, touching song I had never heard before by Josh Groban called “To Where You Are.” I got fixated on this song I had never heard and I listened to it about 20 times, over and over again.  I started thinking about all the people who I have loved that passed away. Holidays do that to you, you know. My dad, a dear aunt, my friend Janine’s father and mother-in-law, all the people I have lost and people who my friends lost.  I started getting depressed.

It’s the ho-h0-ho of the holiday season and many of us just can’t rejoice like we used to. There are so many factors: the economy, high unemployment, the kids are older, loved ones have passed and the world can be a scary place. I decided I needed something, I needed comforting, I needed…..cereal.

In the last two days by children decided that they loved cereal, not having bothered with it for about 5 years. I saw cereal, thought of cereal, bought cereal and had cereal on my mind. I crept downstairs to have two bowls of cereal. The first was a mixture of Honey Nut Cheerios, Grape Nuts (or as I call them Gravel Nuts) and two or three pieces of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It wasn’t enough. I then came upon an individual box ( and we know those don’t count) of utterly charming, amazingly beautiful sugary Fruit Loops. I didn’t bother with the Mini Shredded Wheat with Bran, or the Flax seed cereal, or the Multi-Grain Mix. Nope, no way. I went straight to the hard stuff. Nothing talks mood elevator like Fruit Loops! How can you be weary and sad after looking at those darling purple, red, yellow, green morsels of edible jewelery.

All of a sudden I felt happier and of course fully distracted from my depressing thoughts and sad memories.  The Fruit Loops were the delightful high of my evening and not only that, I was cured. I was cured physically and emotionally and I felt happier. Cure of all ills, thy name is sugar. Amen.

*This post is not approved by Weight Watchers

Listen to the Josh Groban song, you can see it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uIQp9Dqcrw