Carry On Tuesday – I listen to the silence …. as you do also

Martini (Photo credit: ginsnob)

Dear Sam,

I listen to the silence in our conversation but are you aware it even exists? Even at the cocktail party for dear friends you are elusive yet most people would never guess that. The perfect martini, with one olive, fits comfortably in your hand as you take loud gulps. You don’t pause long enough in your own glaring monologue to wait a second or two for any type of pause in the conversation. You talk over people, especially me, your wife,  you long to shine and glisten in the spotlight but you don’t see me or hear me.

You live in a world of denial, a narrow focus with blinders. Like a poor, old horse in NYC tired and sick, having to drag tourists around Central Park, in the blistering heat. There is so much wrong with that, with you, my love. Still, you continue as if we were the same we were thirty years ago, newly married, and nothing could be farther than the truth.

Some might call us “strangers” which, in a way, we are. We are held together by artificial glue, the fake kind that smells of chemicals, a sickly, strong, sweet smell. The bond between us is just as artificial and unnatural but I’m not sure you even realize that.

There are unspoken words between our sentences; repressed feelings, deep down resentment. I don’t think we are happy anymore, dear. Let’s at least acknowledge it, shall we?

You seem to look right through me, even after many years of practiced conversations, your arm hung loosely around my peach cotton sweater set. I feel that you are really only taking up space in our relationship, that I could be cardboard cut- out or a figurine; you use me like a prop.

Our children are not really a big part of your life, certainly not as much as they are in mine but you were always that way. Nothing came before your needs, your wanton luxuries: the sailboat, the new car, all toys. I never needed those things but you said that you “deserved them.”

Now, you can have all the expensive toys you desire but you can’t have me and the children too. I am taking the children and we are leaving you. I don’t expect you’ll care all that much, except for appearances sake.

I’ve done all that I could, I’ve tried and tried. When I suggested marriage counseling you ignored me and you suggested a wide-screen television. I begged for both of us to go to therapy together, you said we didn’t need it. That was a mistake. All the time you were playing with your expensive toys, your computers, your new technical gadgets, your madly expensive convertible, you left me out and alone. You pretended that everything between us was fine, it wasn’t.

I am leaving you. I’m sorry if it comes as a surprise but it shouldn’t. I have been telling you this for a very long time.  You just never bothered to listen.

The Bar

She hid behind the bar, not facing the customers who surrounded her. If she could have been invisible, she would have been. This was the next best thing; she had no choice, she had to be there but she made no eye contact, showed no emotion, lingered on nothing but the task at hand. Mixing pink drinks, shaking, pouring, slamming each glass down on the counter averting her dark brown eyes away. It was her way of saying “F–k you” to the world. She couldn’t handle emotion in the best of times, but tonight, she just wanted to shut down and shut the doors for the last time, turn the key and pile into bed.

The decisions would have to wait, cleaning up would have to wait too, she was procrastinating on every single thing that she could. Nothing was urgent anymore; she felt displaced but couldn’t really define the feeling. It just showed in her jerky movements, in the look on her face that spoke volumes saying: “Don’t come near me, leave me alone, BACK OFF!” If she didn’t have the dark, deep lines under her eyes, and the lack of light from within them, she could be just some stranger traveling through, she didn’t belong here, home or anywhere. She had lost her place in life. It would be a long time before she would be able to reclaim it but she did have some possibilities, she just couldn’t deal with them yet. It was too soon, she needed time, distance, and the ability to bury any emotions that might slip up to the surface, way back down inside her.

Beginnings and endings are never easy and she was so, so tired. She had been hurt many times in her life before and had no room for it again, at least not now. She needed a break but she knew she couldn’t take a very long one. There was so much to do and while people had volunteered to help, there was not a way for her to ask them again, to take them up on her their kind offers. That’s why she had her good friend Sue, a cheery Public Relations master, she would be able to handle this while she dreamed only of sleeping away the rest of the night and all the next day.

When she got home she trudged up the steps with the weight of success and failure balanced on each shoulder. It seemed too hard, too heavy to carry. She didn’t change her clothes, she smoked her last cigarette and lay down in her bed that was a mess of old comforters, pillows and sheets; everything in disarray. She didn’t care, this is how she felt, she didn’t have the fight left in her to straighten things out. She refused to care about it, she refused to care about anything right now, what she wanted was escape, pure, sweet and simple escape. Reality was something to be dealt with later, much later.

The Fabulous Fibro Spa and Resort

HibernationNow and Phylor’s Blog present: How a spa would be designed and managed by fibrologists:

Dear Guest:

Welcome to the Fabulous Fibromyalgia Spa and Resort! Whether you are staying in the main building or one of our cottages (the Pain Villa, the Fibro Fireplace, the Befuddled Bedroom, or the Nerve Damage Madness), you will find that we are equipped to handle any situation that may arise. While we don’t leave a chocolate on your pillow, you will find 2 Advils or Aleves and specially designed heating pads specifically for those tender 17 points. We know there are days when you don’t move around all that much, so rather than steps or long walkways, you will find escalators similar to those used a airports. Please hold on to the sides as we know that some of you may have balance issues.

You can check in at whatever pace feels comfortable to you. As memory problems can be an issue, you will be given several key cards (room number stickers available upon request) in case you should misplace one or lock yourself out of your rooms. At 4pm and again at 9 pm, our special welcome cocktail, the Fibro Fizz will be delivered to your room.

Each suite or cottage contains a memory foam king-sized bed, a large bathroom with tub and Jacuzzi. We have an array of unscented toiletry items available upon request at check in or with reservation. Beside your bed, you will find a white noise machine with peaceful sounds such as waves lapping the shore, rain-gentling falling, and other soothing sounds from nature. At your writing desk, you will find a supply of post-it notes in different colo(u)rs and patterns, pens, and stationary for making notes. There is high-speed wifi, HD cable, and a list of more than 200 movies on demand at no extra cost. You can search the movie database by genre, stars, director, screen writer. We are always open to suggestions for additions to our list that can be made available within 24 hours. Providing these in-room movies has been a big hit with our guests. If you don’t feel up to going to one of our many social areas, you can relax in the comfort of your own space and refresh your memory by re-watching classics, give your mind, rather than your body,  a workout with the action pictures (yes, some folks do move that fast), and since laughter is great medicine, our list of comedies is extensive.

For an additional $50 a night you can upgrade to one of our luxuriously padded rooms, conveniently located next to one of the dining areas. With walk-in bathtub, Epsom salts on demand, and doubly padded walls and floors, these rooms appeal to the fall and/or trip crowd.

Every hour is medication cocktail hour at the indoor and outdoor pools. Our staff will gladly prepare whatever combination of medicines, vitamins, and supplements suits your personal needs. Some of our more popular concoctions are the Savella Sling with just a hint of Tramadol,  the Lyrica Laser prepared with or without Xanax, the Gabapenten Gobbler, best served with a dash of morphine and the Oxycontin Overboard that contains over 7 medications, and 10 supplements.

Our dining facilities that include a formal dining room, casual café, and coffee bar are open 24/7 for your convenience. Our chefs have created a luscious array of soft foods for people with TMJ. You can choose from menu items, or request the kitchen make something special for you. Room service is also available 24/7. There is no need to get out of bed, the restaurant has a key and tipping will be added at the end

Our spa has all the latest in massage and relaxing techniques including hot stone therapy, therapeutic massage, breathing and relaxing exercises. We are always happy to deal with your bunions, your broken toes, your mangled feet. Included in your package are several free extras we call our Fibro Fix-up: a manicure and pedicure, hair cut, tricks to hide those dark circles from sleepless nights, and the opportunity to consult with one of our Fibro Fashionistas for the latest in lounging and sleeping wear. Our full Fibromassage offers gentle touching of those inflamed areas all over your body. We especially cater to the 17 point system of pain centers. Our staff has won over 25 first place ribbons at the Annual Feeling Fibro Massage and Comfort Olympics.

A recently added feature is our Fibro Fitness team. These well-trained and dedicated Fibro-Fit individuals wheel the exercise equipment to your room, carefully encase you into the fat-melting machine of your choice, and the machine does the rest. For those of you who don’t need to shed a pound or two, we have a special cheesecake and ice cream diet to ensure you get those needed extra calories. You can have these special meals delivered to the privacy of your own room, or you can join others on the thin side of healthy Fibro-Fattening Bistro.

One of our more popular features is the Xanax Room. Open 24/7, you can order the strength of Xanax you need to let those feelings of panic and anxiety just slip away. And the price is right: free Xanax! Adjacent to the Xanax Room, the Ambien Pre-bedRoom prepares you for a cozy, sleep-ful night. There are teas, comforting lavender and other scented oils and candles, and helpful staff members who will accompany you back to your room, and tuck you in for that nice, long sleep you have been looking forward to.

We have a fleet of electric scooters should you feel like a leisurely ride along one of our specially designed walkways that sweep themselves clean, so there is nothing along the route to jar your bones. We pride ourselves on our gardens, including the Zen garden should you feel the need to meditate outdoors, and a complete herbal garden for creating our special teas such as:

Morning Eye Opener, Afternoon Nap, Evening Relaxation, and Bedtime Comforter.

We have hotel hosts and hostesses posted every two feet so that when you lose your way because of Fibro fog and get lost, someone is always there to turn you around and point you in the right direction.

This is only a small sample of the information will find among the pages of your welcome kit. Please feel free to ask questions as many times as you need to while acquainting yourself with our facilities. Our aim is to give you as much pain-free, fibro fog-free time with us as possible. You are free to participate in any of our organized activities such as Bend and Stretch or Sitting in a Chair yoga classes, make use of our arts and craft room, or, simply lay back in the gentle hug of your bed, and let us do all the work for you.

Thank you for visiting the Fabulous Fibro Spa, we hope to see you again soon.

hibernationnow.wordpress.com and phylorsblog.wordpress.com

for Chronic Babes Blog Carnival