Convos With An Addict, A Food Addict

Shhhh.  Quiet. My fantasy is about to come true.

I’m lifting the triangular tip of my slice of pizza right up near my mouth, slowly. It’s always the anticipation that makes it so exciting. The savory smell of the tomato sauce and oregano, garlic,starts wafting in the air, that smell that draws you in, the one you’ve longed for. You breathe in the luxurious scent with one long breath, you moan with happiness and then, finally, you pick it up and feel the rough, grainy texture in your hands that you stroke with pleasure.

I lift up the heavily anticipated slice (or 2 or 3) of pizza, blow on it gently, I want warm pizza not too hot to burn me, a little spicy, adding extra garlic salt and I open my lips and taste that first amazing bite.

This is only the first slice of pizza of the two or more I will eat tonight, my husband and I have looked forward to this night for days. We only use one pizzeria in town even though there many other options. But, this one, is our favorite and we have tried every one of four or five places, sampling each, several times.

In the past we ordered a slice of Sicilian pizza and a regular slice for each of us of us but I’m not sure which direction we will go tonight. We’ve taken chances on the Sicilian slices before, sometimes it’s a bit too doughy and the ratio is wrong.

I know what you are thinking there is no such thing as too doughy yet when it comes to Sicilian pizza there needs to be a balance and sometimes from this place, the balance has been off. It depends on our mood, we are never disappointed with their regular slices, plain or mushroom, I have a feeling I know what we will do.

I lick my lips in anticipation. They also serve (sorry if this is a bummer for pizza enthusiasts) the most amazing salad, (stick with me here) with kinds of lettuce, craisins, goat cheese and slices of avocado .Believe me I am not a salad lover but this seems like it should be outlawed it is SO good. It comes with some sort of silky raspberry dressing and we are not counting calories here.

This was yesterday’s dinner, I would happily eat the same thing today. This is one of my favorite (and most comforting) meals. It speaks to me of my youth and happiness, and Dani’s House of Pizza and André the Pizza maker and of course, the owner, Dani. It was a tradition when we were old enough to walk from school and go there for lunch. For one dollar we got two slices, a drink (grape, no ice) and had leftover money for candy.
Just thinking about it makes me nostalgic and very, very hungry. Maybe I will have the same meal again, Saturday.and toast to the old times when we were young and life was easy and uncomplicated.

 

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#Haiku Horizons, Sense

Sense of smell, sweetness

 

Vanilla, joy, maple, love

 

Happy memory

 

**********************************************************************

 

Senseless killing, crash

 

Driving, texting, glancing once

 

a second to die.

*********************************************************************************

Sense of direction,

Just not in me, husband scowls

Sorry, genetics.

 

 

 

t minus 2

English: Rubber bands in different colors. Stu...

English: Rubber bands in different colors. Studio photo taken. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

thoughts are flying out of me so quickly i can’t even title them or remember what they are. all i know is that my stomach is one tight structure of steel, a steel ball of nerves and when i start back eating american cheese sandwiches you know i’m in bad shape and need a lot of comfort.  things have been spiraling out of control for months now, i can’t write, i cant sleep i can’t but sometimes i eat too much, comfort food, cocolate, yes, I am one of those people who have two stomachs, one for meals and the other for dessert. sweet comforting dessert. dessert like a religion. please bless me. bless my family, i’m not sure how long my stomach strands can take this endless stretching. i see them like rubber bands stretched until they pop until they swing back and hit me bring me down even lower than i was before. no more talks to myself, cheery thoughts now just paralyzed in emotional pain.

too many bad thoughts invade my space in and out, there have been good days that i have been proud of and horrible days like today when he made a joke which made me burst into tears, humor like that is not appreciated. and when “annie hall” tweedle dee tweedle dumb said i have no time for you but if someone cancels… no she is supposed to hear my voice even if its transference that’s ok. cancellation, relaxation. a daughter in a day, a son in four.

we’re soul mates she said matter-of fact, that is not the first time I have heard that it it was nice to hear it again, soothing. no traveling, no trip,  idunno, i dunno, job, start, maybe, maybe not.i need some answers to thees ongoing questions that keep coming up after another mystery is solved which opens up another scary category of medical ambiguity.

who thought it would be his heart? how can i not v isualize being there for my dad and mom and how dare she say she was there too, no, she was never there. no she was never ev er there for anyone but herself. what did elena say “wow,, shse really really hates herself.” that’s the only thing we agree on, apparently and she does not even know it.

spirits need to help me more but i need to find them first, name them, talk to them, reach out and i need to do the work for that when i am ready. t minus 2 why do i feel so alone? because i really truly am. my kids are still kids, its just a test, its just a test its just a test.

 

 

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Haiku Heights: Egg

English: Newborn baby Română: Nou nascut

English: Newborn baby Română: Nou nascut (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Croque-madame

Croque-madame (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An egg and a sperm,

Imagine the miracle

of Life’s creation.

********************

Don’t egg me on, son

Yes, your time will come

Just not today.

Zero Patience

Zero Patience (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

**********************

Dear egg, I love you

Comfort food of the ages

With buttered toast, jam.

********************

Yellow Magic Madness #14- Twinkies

Box of Twinkies

Box of Twinkies (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dedicated to my friend, Maureen. They will be back, Mo, I promise.

Twinkies, delicious, childhood memories of comfort and sweetness. You will be the first to get them. I promise. Gone but not Forgotten. They will be back.( Allegedly, in July……) Have no fear, your twin friend is here.

English: Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake w...

English: Hostess Twinkies. Yellow snack cake with cream filling. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Plinky Prompt: Food Rut? Not To ME

  • English: Yoo-hoo Chocolate Drink; Ten (10) 6.5...

    English: Yoo-hoo Chocolate Drink; Ten (10) 6.5 fl.oz. drink boxes, in package. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • Do you ever get into a food rut, eating the same meal over and over? If so, what’s your rut? How do you get out of the rut? See all answers
  • In a rut
  • Do I detect a note of negativity attached to the word “rut?” Because, frankly, I see it quite differently. To use YOUR term, perhaps I do go through “ruts” which to me are mere phases of delightful food choices. There are certain times when I eat the same thing for dinner, over and over again and it makes me happy or it makes me feel safe.
    These past few weeks I have needed comfort food so I have been eating a pumpernickel roll, butter and American cheese, Yoo-Hoo or Diet Vanilla Pepsi, Baked Lays and something, okay always something, for dessert (I AM flexible.)
    When I tire of this meal which could be weeks or months, sometimes days, I start on something else that captures my fancy. Another comfort food favorite: Scrambled eggs with cheese, a lightly toasted English muffin with butter and honey. (I had that several weeks ago.)
    Sometimes I feel like veggie burgers with cheese for a few days in a row. I have been known to go through a salad, goat cheese and avocado phase too. Sometimes I get a craving for a cheeseburger and fries (that’s a one meal sensation.)
    I have no interest in getting out of a rut when I am in a rut. Why, on earth, should I? It serves a purpose, for me. In the last few days all I have wanted were green grapes (in addition to the regular food) so I have had bunches of grapes satisfying my thirst.
    There is nothing wrong in being in a particular phase of eating, I know a particular young woman who ate nothing but grilled cheese sandwiches every day for several years in a row. I am so proud to call her my daughter. Don’t make a big deal about food, if they are hungry, they will eat.

Kraft American Cheese, Sleeping, Anxiety And Yoo- Hoo

Slumber

Slumber (Photo credit: weesen)

Some people drink when they are under stress, others turn to cigarettes, some to drugs. It soothes their souls and it may take the edge off of their anxiety. The people who drink red wine can boast that it is medicinally beneficial, heart healthy in fact. Others like scotch or beer or ooey- gooey sweet stuff with vodka in it, like a spiked punch. I do none of the above, when I am anxious all I do is get into my bed, surrounded by layers upon layers of blankets and sleep. Really, I do. The only food my stomach allows me to eat is a Kraft (orange) American Cheese Sandwich on soft bread with soft butter or margarine spread and a box of Yoo Hoo to drink. That’s it. I lose weight during this period of anxiety but really, it isn’t any fun and definitely not worth it, well maybe worth it a tiny bit.

There is nothing more relaxing to me than”hibernating” under mountains of blankets, snuggling with my pillows and escaping life’s problems. Do I know what I am doing? Absolutely. Do I choose to do this? Yes. It is my way of dealing with overwhelming stress without any addiction except the warmth of my bed, no alcohol or drugs needed. Sometimes I say I am just going “to rest” and we all know what that means…..

I acknowledge what my problems are, I’m not crazy, this is my coping mechanism. I can’t change the situations at hand for the better so I have to live with them and instead of being the hyper-oh-my-God-what-are-we-going-to-do person that I already have been for 24 hours, I try to balance that with pure avoidance therapy. It’s cheaper than a lot of other coping mechanisms and I can do it anytime I want.

There are only specific foods that I CAN eat when I am that, shall we say, out of sorts? American cheese (Kraft Individualized Orange slices) and bread, soft butter and Yoo- Hoo to drink (boxes). This is my comfort food and I will absolutely have it every single day, it is the only thing I WANT to eat and CAN eat when I am this upset. It soothes me. I can eat it five times in a row, even ten. It depends heavily on the situation. Tonight, I actually ate something different since we were at a restaurant but the only thing that appealed to me was ravioli stuffed with butternut squash. I couldn’t look at my husband’s rare burger though admittedly I did try a bite of my son’s steak. It tasted delicious. My own food was soft, mushy and comforting and it certainly was in the same genre as my American cheese sandwich. Club soda with lemon was definitely no substitute for my beloved Yoo- Hoo. They should really stock that in restaurants, don’t you think?

Things are a little better now, not completely but we are coping. I’m off the complete American cheese sandwich but am still into small portions of soft food like the baked ziti I made today. It wasn’t my exact comfort food but I’m trying to branch out a little. Even I try to be flexible after my 24-48 hours guaranteed American Cheese/Yoo-Hoo Festival. Sometimes. it even works. Sigh. Okay. Rarely.

*my admiration and thanks go out to Kraft and Yoo-Hoo companies.

And Now I Shake

ECG complex.

ECG complex. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

For the last six weeks I’ve felt light-headed; I’ve often brought this up to my internist and she has always said that it’s my low blood pressure ( 80/60.) “Salt your food” she murmurs, “stand up slowly from a seated position.” Then she adds: “That happens to me too!!” (Now I’m SURE we can be best friends because we have so much in common.) My husband insists that it has been happening more often and he has nagged me to see my doctor for a few weeks now, I’ve refused.

Yesterday I had an annual physical with my gynecologist who I like but totally FORGOT that she’s a worry wart like I used to be. Notice the PAST tense. I casually asked her if she thought I needed to see my internist about this small issue. She said “yes” and “that it might be a problem with my heart “valve.” The only “v” word I expected to hear from her was “vagina”( if there are any guys reading now is your opportunity to run) valve did not make me happy. I finally confessed to my husband, tried not to look at his smug face and called to set up an appointment.

I described feeling light-headed, having to bend my head down to prevent fainting, feeling very warm, getting a massive headache but never passing out. I could reach a chair or a bed and sit down and I’d be fine in a few minutes. It never happened when driving and obviously if I felt weak, I wouldn’t go out. It did happen going up or down stairs but I always held on to the banister. It was NOT, in my estimation, dangerous.

Now that I had conceded, a nurse gave me an EKG which was perfect with the oddest exception. My whole body started shaking. Once or twice lately I have noticed that my body starts shaking uncontrollably and I can’t stop it. I have asked my husband if he could see it and he has always said “no.” I think it’s one of those “guy” things. The nurse noticed it right away, I’m sure a best friend could as well.

So now, I could add “shaking” to my long list of maladies. Along with Fibromyalgia, almost passing out, Thyroid disease, Auto-Immune disease of the thyroid,  impaired hearing, I shook. I felt like one of those bobble heads except it wasn’t just my head that bobbled, it was my body wobbling. A nurse took five or six vials of blood and then the doctor told me (wait for it…) I had to go to the cardiologist for an echocardiogram and even worse, a stress test. No, No, No! Ugh, this is sweat and embarrassment  in front of others and I hate that kind of stuff. I gave my husband the evil eye, actually two evil eyes. They scheduled me in six weeks, obviously not a crisis situation to them (Thanks, honey!)

My doctor used this new phrase at least five times during my seven minute visit: “due diligence. In my language that means ” I’m running these tests to cover my ass.” For someone who used to get anxious for days, even weeks, I only got anxious for about five minutes which for me is zen-like (and that’s when they  told me I had to see the darn cardiologist.)

As soon as we got home,  I made myself my old standard comfort food, an American cheese sandwich on soft bread with butter, some salt-ridden baked sour cream and onion Lays potato chips( for medicinal reasons only) and a cold Yoo-Hoo to drink. For dessert, nothing speaks comfort more than a dish of really rich vanilla ice cream, softly melting in a red ceramic dish. No drugs of any kind were necessary. No jelly on pizza, I required nothing else. Damn, I was proud. But, I still have to do those stupid tests unless, as my sister suggested, I cancel?! What do YOU think?

Woman in Café with Yoo-Hoo and Cigarette, afte...

Woman in Café with Yoo-Hoo and Cigarette, after William Glackens (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Mellow Yellow Monday

Noodle Kugel

Noodle Kugel (Photo credit: ShellyS)

My goal is to try new things so I decided to bake a “Noodle Kugel” which is made with yellow egg noodles

milk, sour cream, eggs, cottage cheese, sugar (brown and white) cinnamon and raisins. It’s a very warm and comforting

dish; my sister has always made them before. While not perfect, for the first time, it came out very good, indeed. I

actually made it because my son, 20, loves it so much; needless to say he wasn’t “hungry” last night!

Noodle Kugel

Noodle Kugel (Photo credit: cjbakker)